Stay or leave?
Sorry this is long, I hope someone can help me.
backstory
My current boyfriend and I have been together 11 months. He is my first ever boyfriend. He love bombed me at first and told me he loved me within a month. I said it back although we definitely did not know enough about each other to actually love each other. He would constantly criticize me, start fights, but then apologize after and compliment me etc. it felt like he was playing with my feelings now that I look back at it. When we first met, he knew he was going to travel far away 2 months later and possibly not come back, but he failed to tell me for many weeks, also after I ‘gave him my V-card’. I was devastated. (Although he did come back after 2 months because of me and has been living here since. (He often brings this up))
now
He lives 4 hours away which means we can’t meet often. We’ve had many big fights, 90% of the time it’s because of something I said or did that he doesn’t like. I have trauma from my childhood that makes me triggered by many thing, for example yelling. This means I’ve been crying every single time we fought after a few minutes, not on purpose. He doesn’t look like he cares that I’m crying, whereas if he cries I instantly feel horrible and rush to comfort him.
I have to say that in general he is very loving, supports me, compliments me. I am always happy when we are together and we often go out and do fun things together, going to the park for a picnic, travel, go for walks.
Another problem is our age gap, he is 10 years older than me, has a stable income and a full time job. I’m a student and only work part time. But still I’ve been paying for so much, more than 50% of our expenses on the times we’ve been together. I even bought his $400 bed and gave him all my furniture, kitchen stuff, bedroom stuff that I was saving for when I move out. This means basically everything in his apartment is mine. This makes it a problem if we break up. I feel really stupid when I list all these things because honestly it sounds like I should break up with him. But I love him and I would be devastated if I was left alone. But maybe that is just how it is.. I struggle with depression and anxiety, so the thought of not being with him scares me. I always miss him and feel lonely when we’re not together. All my friends and family loves him and says we are such a good match, he is so charming etc. I really feel lost because I love him. There’s just so many red flags and I only listed a few….
@shySailboat6690
Hey! Just reading your post I saw so many red flags. They were screaming at me and they're screaming at you. You are asking us if you should stay or leave but I think you already know the answer. It can be difficult because abusers make you love them and it can be hard to separate these feelings of love and the feelings of fear, knowing you deserve more than what you are getting. I can't make a decision for you, but I definitely think you seem to be struggling with the decison. He's your first relationship ever and he is ten years older than you. You will probably be hurt a little if you were to leave him but you can quickly bounce back up and have more relationships. You're young. What do you think would happen if you tried to leave him?
Thank you for reading my story and responding. I think you’re right in everything you’re saying… I’m also afraid it could escalate. I’ve seen him throw things before during a fight and tell me to leave his apartment. He promised he wouldn’t do that again but…. The things people do out of anger….
To be honest a few months ago I broke up with him. We had a huge fight, where he blamed me for something I was a victim of, and then proceeded to make himself the victim, saying I cheated on him etc. we fought for hours on the phone and we broke up. He instantly blocked me on Insta and told me to get my stuff because he doesn’t want it. Only a few minutes went by before he called me again and convinced me to stay.
He ofteb tells me how neither of us can find someone as good as the other and no one can understand us like each other do. he seriously makes me doubt if I can ever find someone else, who would understand me and love me. I know deep down it’s not true...
we almost broke up again one month ago because he again blamed me and started a fight. He said I treat him like a toy and just play with him, so I said I want to break up if you really feel like that( because I give him my everything, Ive opened up, crossed boundaries, always loved him, supported him) He quickly took it back and started crying and of course we ended up staying together.
I think my biggest problem is that everyone around me loves him. I also love him; but I feel like he has abused me and used me. He is holding on to me and convincing me to stay. I feel so happy a lot of the time but other times I find myself constantly wondering if it’s time to break up because of my mental health in this relationship.
It definitely sounds like it is affecting your mental health. I can understand it being hard when everyone likes him but it is cause he doesn’t show who is he to your family. Abusers never let anyone else see their true colors. If you’re worried, try to talk to an officer. See what kind of protective they can give you. Have one take you to get your belongings maybe.
@shySailboat6690
And regarding your stuff, see if you can get it back before you leave him. If not, don't worry about the stuff. It is just materials. Your life is important. If he is showing these red flags, it is only a matter of time before he hits you.
