Stay or leave?
Sorry this is long, I hope someone can help me.
backstory
My current boyfriend and I have been together 11 months. He is my first ever boyfriend. He love bombed me at first and told me he loved me within a month. I said it back although we definitely did not know enough about each other to actually love each other. He would constantly criticize me, start fights, but then apologize after and compliment me etc. it felt like he was playing with my feelings now that I look back at it. When we first met, he knew he was going to travel far away 2 months later and possibly not come back, but he failed to tell me for many weeks, also after I ‘gave him my V-card’. I was devastated. (Although he did come back after 2 months because of me and has been living here since. (He often brings this up))
now
He lives 4 hours away which means we can’t meet often. We’ve had many big fights, 90% of the time it’s because of something I said or did that he doesn’t like. I have trauma from my childhood that makes me triggered by many thing, for example yelling. This means I’ve been crying every single time we fought after a few minutes, not on purpose. He doesn’t look like he cares that I’m crying, whereas if he cries I instantly feel horrible and rush to comfort him.
I have to say that in general he is very loving, supports me, compliments me. I am always happy when we are together and we often go out and do fun things together, going to the park for a picnic, travel, go for walks.
Another problem is our age gap, he is 10 years older than me, has a stable income and a full time job. I’m a student and only work part time. But still I’ve been paying for so much, more than 50% of our expenses on the times we’ve been together. I even bought his $400 bed and gave him all my furniture, kitchen stuff, bedroom stuff that I was saving for when I move out. This means basically everything in his apartment is mine. This makes it a problem if we break up. I feel really stupid when I list all these things because honestly it sounds like I should break up with him. But I love him and I would be devastated if I was left alone. But maybe that is just how it is.. I struggle with depression and anxiety, so the thought of not being with him scares me. I always miss him and feel lonely when we’re not together. All my friends and family loves him and says we are such a good match, he is so charming etc. I really feel lost because I love him. There’s just so many red flags and I only listed a few….
