No Strings Attached

I am feeling so overwhelmed and I need help and some advice.

a little back ground about me I am 26 yrs. old female, recently divorced from my abusive marriage of 5 years.

A few months ago I met this amazing guy who we will call Lee. He is also recently divorced. Because of this we decided to do a NSA (no strings attached) relationship. We instantly connected and fell into step with each other. Due to this I ended up falling in love with him. I think he felt the same and it scared him cause he called it quits.

he told me he still likes me a lot and cares for me but, he just isn’t ready for a relationship. Not wanting to drive him further away I told him I understand and wished him the best of luck with everything. Now during this whole time I was talking on and off with this other guy we will call him Brad, I’ve known since elementary school.

I kept the communication open between us because I wanted to have a distraction from my feelings with Lee. I was feeling really lonely and heartbroken after loosing Lee that I connected with Brad. He invited me over one night and we ended up hooking up. This made me feel worse than I did before because it wasn’t Lee and it made me realize I didn’t want anyone but Lee.

Flash forward to a month ago I cracked and texted Lee I missed him. He responded quickly saying he missed me too. One thing lead to another and we started talking again. I agreed to NSA thinking I could pretend the feelings weren’t there and we also told one another to not be afraid to pursue other people. I wanted to tell him about Brad but, I didn’t want to upset him or make him think poorly of me.

Things quickly went back as they were before I would dare say even better. I felt myself falling harder and faster knowing that I honestly was in love with him. As I stated before I was in a abusive marriage for 5 years. I didn’t realize how bad things were until I started opening up to people about what went on in my marriage. I’ve opened up to Lee about it more than anyone, including my family. And he opened up to me about his marriage and his mistakes. Lee is everything my ex is not. He is kind, sweet, caring, he makes me feel beautiful and heard. He makes me feel like useful, and smart and funny, and he remembers the smallest things about me. How could I not fall in love with a guy who has made me feel more than my ex ever did in our entire marriage? I panicked cause I didn’t want to drive him away and I felt myself getting clingy. Up to this point I was still talking to Brad but it was mostly shameless flirting nothing serious. Plus, I was trying to do what we both agreed too with the whole NSA.

The other day I started feeling overwhelmed with emotions. My heart was breaking cause I knew I needed to be honest with Lee about my true feelings. I’m just so scared to tell him cause I don’t want to loose him. I was talking to Brad flirting back and forth I have to disclose I was a little tipsy and so was he. I stupidly invited him over to come look a the new house I’m living at with my parents as I save money for a place of my own. He agreed.

I had a small feeling that maybe I would hook up with him. I’m sure it was the emotions and the alcohol that was due for that. My mind kept going back to Lee and I knew I couldn’t go through with it. So I told myself I would tell Brad to leave and that My heart was committed to someone else. Brad came over and he instantly started to remind me of my ex. His pushiness, he roughness, his lack of listening to the simple nos. I got scared. That trigger something in my brain. And instead of telling him to go home I fell back into my old submissive mindset. I didn’t want to get him angry, I didn’t want him to think I was being rude. I was back in my marriage I fought so hard to get out of. I shut off and just let it happen.

He started to get physical rough and left me with bruises. I still didn’t say anything and still didn’t tell him to stop. And when I did speak up about him hurting me he brushed it off. I was stuck in my mind and as if I wasn’t in control. After, he wouldn’t leave. I begged him and pleaded with him to leave but he wouldn’t. That’s when he made the mistake of insulting my two children and that snapped me out of it. I finally got rude and he left.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I could remember. So it was no surprised I went into full panic attack. I felt dirty and used and awful. But mostly I felt horrible, horrible guilt. I felt like I betrayed Lee. I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up knowing I had to tell Lee what happened. I texted him if he would meet me so we could talk.

We met and I told him what happened with Brad. I left out the part of me being in love with him. He told me her understood that things happen and that He was sorry for what Brad did. I don’t think I ever say sorry so many times in my life. I asked if was mad or hurt by what I did and he told me he was a little hurt and not really sure what he feels. I want to give him space and time to think things over. But my brain won’t let me. I asked a few more times and he reassured me he still likes me and that he wants to continue to see me but, wants to put a pause on anything physical.

I just want honest opinions, would you forgive me if you were in Lee’s shoes? Do you think I was wrong for what I did? Do you think I messed things up beyond repair? I just need help and advice. Real honest advice and opinions.