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Major Guilt trip!

aquaChestnut3262 August 11th, 2022

I have had complicated relationships, my first bf was a control freak and 2 nd one cheated on me(who I believed was the one)


During covid, me and my bestie( from last 10 years ) got really close and became a thing! He has always loved me but for me he was just a friend but we started dating!


it was amazing the first days but slowly i felt that he’s a different person as a bf but ignored the fact bcoz i loved him! Then he left for Army training as he got selection as an officer… i was heart broken but was supportive!


However as days went i felt more comfortable that he was not there near by and i can just be myself!


after 2 years of staying with parents, I went on a trip and made a mistake of making out with another guy! And he was a narcissistic manipulative person! I was so stupid and blindly trusted him, he persuaded me to break up with my officer guy and convinced me that he is the best for me !


i was blind and I believed him and later realised the true colour!


i sat down and tried to introspect why i did what i did and figured that there are differences in the way me and my bestie thinks! I am an open minded feminist and he is a male chauvinist but his love for me is endless! And i was not comfortable being under him , but i wanted my space and independence! And i feel covid might have pushed my vulnerability to be with him! But i don’t know!!!


i have major guilt trip and regret for all this and making my bestie officer’s life hell! I feel like i should take some punishment for the mistakes I’ve done!


Yesterday ( after 1 year) officer g ot a break from army and we met when he said how much he loved me and how much he want things back with us and he’s ready to change anything to work this out!


i didn’t tell him the fact the i cheated on him but mentioned it in a subtle way that i was fooled!


i dont know what to do now! I am having anxiety attacks ! I know no one will love me like him but i dont know if its fair to do ! And I don’t know how to build the spark we lost!


or i should just let him go! Please help

4
ilovebooksandbaking August 11th, 2022

@aquaChestnut3262

hello there, I just wondered whether you have considered taking some time out and just allowing yourself to be you?

You said that you felt able to be yourself again, well we should be able to be ourselves even when in a relationship.

I think it sounds like a very stressful situation, and my advice would be think about you, think about what you want, think about your plans, your dreams, your wishes and most of all always be you. If someone doesn't like that then they shouldn't be in your life.

Hope this helps

toughTiger6481 August 11th, 2022

Lots of information to take in there. I would suggest you spend time being you and do not adapt for any BF. Sounds like you had a few BFs who sought control or tricked you.... the more confident you are in you the less likely you will be fooled or manipulated.

In my experience many a friend turned into partner do change a bit it is a different dynamic.


reliableWest8997 August 12th, 2022

Hi, sorry if I can interject for a second, I would like to say, I would not be too hard on yourself because how do you know for sure that your "officer guy" is being honest with you. I think you are being too hard on yourself, and it does not sound to me like you were really that interested in him as a partner, and also the second guy.

CatzInTheCradle August 13th, 2022

@aquaChestnut3262

Seems like You’re more in love with the idea of ‘being in love’, than the actual reality of a relationship. Thats why you pursue lots of flawed relationships, but none of the partners have much genuine lasting potential. And even now with your officer who does have some potential, you allowed someone else to convince you to abandon him and influence you to cheat on him, and not only that you said you were more comfortable with yourself when he is not even present.

So most of that indicates that you might become intimately involved with people because you think that’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do. But then all of the people you choose are flawed and not at all compatible for you, all the relationships end up ‘complicated - Because that is what might happen if we choose partners simply because they are there, rather than choosing partners based on how well we fit together, based on common values, goals, maturity levels, needs and expectations.

Essentially, we need to have the right motivations to begin with to have a relationship in order for it to grow and thrive. I think if you look more deeply and truly into your fears and motivations for wanting to be with a person, you will progress towards having more stable long term relationships.

Wishing you all the best with everything ~!

CatsInTheCradle