Insecurities

I feel like I am ruining my relationship because of my insecurities.

I am insecure especially of my appearance. I always have to ask my boyfriend for reassurance that he is still physically attracted to me. And I have been doing this excessively to the point it irritates him. And I don’t blame him, it really is annoying. But I can’t help it.

But recently we have been having a lot of fights. Since November, he flew to another city (his second home) with his family because his mother was gonna get treatments and surgery at a big hospital there. It was a hard time for him because he loves his mother so much and he can’t bear losing her. I made sure to always support him even if we were long distance.

I don’t know what happened. Maybe he was just going through a tough time? Idk. But he started to hide small things from me. Like when I wanted to spend time with him, he would say he was tired and sleepy. And then I would catch him hanging out with his friends. Ofc, that hurt me a lot. Because why would he hide something as small as that? It was okay for me that he spends time with his friends as long as he doesn’t lie to me like say he’s sleeping and then I’d find out he really wasn’t. It did not even happened once. He explained his side to me and said he was having a feeling down lately and playing video games with his friends helps him. He didn’t wanna tell me he wasn’t sleeping at all because he didn’t want me to worry about him because he has trouble sleeping a lot lately. I understand him but I felt hurt ofc that he hid it from me, plus I got insecure and felt like he found comfort in his friends more than I.

Ever since those events, I don’t know what happened to me. We were still long distance, as he was still in another city to support his ill mother’s treatments. But I become more insecure. I became controlling, needy, easily jealous, I tend to pick fights with him because I easily overthink and get upset about anything he does. Our fights would happen almost everyday. It would lead up to the point that he cursed at me for the first time. And sometimes in our fights, he tends to verbally abuse me like call me dumb, the f word, etc. And it hurt me even more. He also started to sleep problems off instead of talking about them. Then I tend to spam him messages or call him a lot just for us to talk, something I never have done before in our relationship. I would chase after him, and beg him to talk to me and comfort me. But it never works. I always have trouble sleeping because I was overthinking a lot, I also have trouble eating. I got depressed due to my relationship problems.

We would get okay from our fights. But the next thing you know, I get sensitive again by what he does. Like if he interacts with a girl best friend, he goes out with his friends, when he replies late. This wasn’t me before. But I don’t know what happened. I always overthink if he is still attracted to me. If he goes to a bar with his friends, I overthink that he finds other women attractive and forgets about me. All my thoughts were becoming too much and irrational. I was becoming distrustful towards my boyfriend, even if he does not give me a reason to doubt him. I made a promise to him that I won’t expect him to be there for me when he is at the city where his mom was getting treated because he was busy taking care of her and living his own life as well. But I keep breaking that promise.

I always understood his enjoyment of his own life or being busy as a sign that he is losing interest in me. Or that he finds more comfort in his friends than me. I am aware that we have lives outside of our relationship. But I can’t help but have these irrational overthinking thoughts. I am struggling to live independently with my own life because now I’m more focused on his. I tend to get anxious about what he is doing. It’s really unhealthy. I have trouble eating and sleeping, and doing my usual things as a unique person. He even recently removed my access to his social medias because I snooped and got offended by a joke he made with his boy friends. And we fought about it. He joked that it was a good thing that there was a rule of social distancing in the bar otherwise he would go near the celebrities he saw there. But he told his friends that it was a joke, they shouldn’t take what he said seriously because he loves his girlfriend. But my irrational mind chose to focus on the joke, instead of the fact he took it back and said he loved me.

I was totally out of line. I am aware of that. And I am not proud of it. I am ashamed of it. When I calm down after throwing assumptions at him, I really get embarrassed for acting that way.

I want to change so badly. Because I am aware I was never like this before. I was more confident before in my relationship even if I was insecure, and I knew what to do with my separate life outside my boyfriend. I was also more trusting in him before. And I am aware that my toxic traits are suffocating him and possibly ruining our relationship. It is so hard to break off of this pattern. It has been three months, and I just want our relationship to be the way it was before. I am scared he is gonna break up with me because I’ve been like this lately.

That is all.