How can I Move forward

My husband and I separated under chaotic circumstances last November. It was after years of feeling afraid to to really speak my heart. Walking on eggshells, being resentful and finding other solace in my life. Almost seven months later I agreed to let him move back in. We had gone to counseling - he felt heard - I felt "emotionally battered" in the sessions.

I spent so much time while separated trying to understand what he says to me. Often felt deeply hurt by his statements preceding and during our separation.

During the time apart I began to feel normal again, find peace in myself and look towards the future possibly being alone. The reality of divorce was so overwhelming for many reasons, myself being retired and him feeling entitled to years of my hard earned retirement. The reality that if we got divorced it would all be on me. I would have to figure out all of the financial equations and "hand it over" to him.

It would mean either giving up what I had worked over 30 years for in our small community, or handing over a large portion of my future income. It really ate at me for months. I finally started coming to terms that I could essentially walk away from my home and start over. Did it once and could do it again.

So now he is back, and my head and heart are confused. I spent so much effort visualizing life without him, possibly moving away from my community. Giving up my lifestyle here where most people dream of living. Selling my (our) horses. Everything would change. Except me.

I am relieved we are finally getting along better now, but I am finding it really hard to feel inspired about the future. I care for him. But there are parts of him that I actually hate. Not a good way to feel about one's husband.

I just wish there was something I could feel really excited about right now. This is the time of my life that should be calmly settled. Perhaps I am just bored with our relationship.

Anyone else out there go through similar circumstances? We will be married 28 years this September.