Guilt from a white lie
Hey,
I was originonally emotionally invested with a coworker at my job. I had set the boundary that I wasn't super certain if I wanted to date a coworker but I committed to going to therapy to figure it out. That put a lot of pressure on me. And for a brief period I said we should be friends.
While we were friends I got on dating apps. Matched with someone. I was was planning a date with this new person but I then pulled back from them because I found I still had feelings for my coworker.
I told the girl on the app I didn't have the time or the energy. This was the white lie. I wasn't fully honest as to why I didn't have those things.
I then hung out with the coworker for a while. Maintaining my boundaries. Being flirty. But it turned out that I had misinterpreted her intentions. I wanted a serious relationship. She wanted friends with benefits. Making us incompatible.
After processing this I came back to the girl on the app and we have gone on a few dates but my guilt surrounding what I did makes it difficult to always be present and to be happy with the progress I am making towards my goal of a committed relationship.
@astrdrw26
If it is guilt the best cure is IMO pulling the band aid off ... in a case like this sooner is better then later.
You met on a dating app do you know if she was matched with anyone else or if she had potential date able person in her life? If you frame it right it will go over better that you wanted to make sure other "maybe" person was out of picture and was difficult to figure out being co-workers.
I agree with you that going in to committed relationship we should be up front so find a time you can talk openly and yes there may be a bump in the road but do not see this as you described to be a deal breaker if you are connecting with this person.
We ended up talking last nighr, I got it off my chest and it felt great! This was the best conversation regarding relationships I've ever had.
There is one small hiccup I found afterward. I find myself falling into the same mental loop. If I personally feel I haven't told the whole 100% truth down to the last detail I feel as though I lied.
I told her about that person I was seeing. How bad it was looking back, the mistakes I made and the learning I gained from it. I said that there was never any chance of me getting back together with this person because she has explicitly stated we aren't a good fit and I have found reasons for myself that she isn't good for me. And hiw much hurt she caused me. All of this is true.
But deep down in my heart I still have this wish that things went differently. A wish that my effort gained me something. I think this may just be a symptom of heartbreak and not genuine feelings for this past person but it is something I can't entirely shake. It feels as though I told another half truth.
Part of me sees this as another mistake. But another part of me sees it as a typical response to being rejected and thst it is expexted and that I am working my way through it step by step. My perspective on this person has changed a lot over the past few weeks and may still continue to change in a more positive direction in terms of acceptance.
Do you have any advice moving forward? I unfrotunately have to see this person at work until the end of August at least and I fear it is going to be consistently triggerring to me.
Interacting with her at work does make me feel better however. And days where I don't I feel rather sluggish and sad. So perhaps I should continue engaging with her solely at work? Set the boundary of only engaging at work maybe......
@astrdrw26
You found a person who wants to build a relationship ... the co-worker is not a fit...
When things do not work out we may have already pictured a sort of what if future. It is hard to accept our vision went poof by simply she was not into it... that was in your mind and you do not need to confess of a thought to your GF ... i am glad you had a great conversation
