Confused
I have been with my husband for 26 years married for 22. We have always had problems in our marriage because he has an avoidant attachment the result of having a narcissistic mother and I have an anxious attachment . We both have been self reflecting and realized that each have been horrible spouses. He told me he loves me but he is no longer in love with me. He says he no longer likes me as a person. He tells me he wants to try and work it out but I don’t know if I can. I don’t really know what he truly feels. He gives me mixed signals. About a year ago I have realized he was verbally and mentally abusive towards me. I have met coworkers that show me more appreciation than I ever got from him. My husband has a hard time having a work life balance. He is there for with boss, coworkers, and employees. He will take the time to fix problems with people at work but not at home. I feel like we have come to a place where we are too far gone but in the back of my mind he is my person. The one I had 3 children with. Is it worth saving? I have a lot of anxieties that I have put on him over the years. We both came into the marriage with childhood traumas. Would like some insight.
@Enough23 quote "I feel like we have come to a place where we are too far gone but in the back of my mind he is my person."
many of us have been there or still are. what you describe sounds very familiar .... i was always never priority always behind work no matter what .... i feel he is safe and my person BUT i no longer love him or the person he has become. While childhood traumas must have contributed to your situation but some got here just from growing apart.
I stayed and have regretted every year since and when you get older the options to start again wither. we all would want to change our habits or have small resets but sooner or later we are back at square one.
I too have 3 children...... Mine are young adults and the last thing you want is what happened to me as a child had a relationship fail and when people encouraged him to stay he said "I do not want to fake it my whole life like mom."
It is scary to think of ending things ... to take a chance ... you will always cherish those memories and that chapter in your life. Maybe talk it out or even try counseling to decide where to go from here in a civil way ... sharing children you will always have a connection with each other ... you can always be friends and a support person.
@Enough23
Sad to say I've had an experience of living in such avoidant vs. anxious attachment style relationship, and it was me who was the anxious one. We looked like a perfect match: intellectually, emotionally, spiritually and physically. But I got very mixed signals sometimes, from her being thankful to tears for me appearing in her life and feeling like being totally off her priority list in just a matter of hours.
We both loved each other very much, but it was a rollercoaster, and later I learnt the kind of mixed communication I was receiving some psychologists call a "double bind". And I realised how much of a burden my anxious style was for her, too. After we split, she relaunched her social media profile with words like "women at my age start to be invisible". I reacted by saying she was _very_ visible and always at centre of attention for me.
It looks like sometimes the good feelings we have to another person and the fact if we can stay together are two separate things...
@Enough23 i also have an abusive marriage, and the main issue being, my husband has trust issues with me..to make him understand that I am not what he is doubting, i had deleted all my social media accounts just to make him believe me. It all went to trash.. its been 7 years into my màrriage and everyday is like as if I am guilty for everything what is happening in his life..He has questioned about my family, my parents, my relatives and he thinks I have come into his life just for his money, since he used to work full time and I was a house wife..
Keeping in mind all this, I also can understand your issues, but all I can say is believe in yourself, that is what I do if I cry everytime he abuses me..
Have faith in God..
Best Regards,