Afraid of Love when It is what I want most
I'm a twenty-one year old girl who has spent a large part of her life daydreaming about finding a wonderful person to be in a relationship with and be happy. I have had one toxic two year relationship that lasted from when I was sixteen to eighteen years old and I've learned a lot about what to do better since then. It was with my best friend at the time who was very loving and kind towards me despite my many insecurities and anxieties.
I have tried to date and talk to new people since then but because of my history with one relationship where I did things so devastatingly wrong, I'm afraid of being responsible for another person's feelings and hurting them again. I struggle with bipolar disorder, ADHD, severe anxiety, and either full blown or traits of borderline personality disorder. My last psychologist wasn't completely sure about that last one.
Either way, I think my severely low self esteem really gets in the way of finding someone because every time a guy has had feelings for me, I have been afraid and self sabotaged. Every time I've had feelings for someone, I've been extremely anxious and self sabotaged by spamming them with texts and making them feel responsible for my neurotic emotions. I noticed that the type of person I tend to fall for is very realistic, I have a huge thing for sensitive guys who are into music, film, or some other type of soft hobby... and feel comforting to me. I don't mind if the person doesn't make a lot of money or isn't gonna agree with me on everything... but I prioritize passion for whoever I like more than anything and that feels dangerous because all my neuroticism comes out when I allow myself to be passionate.
I've met a handful of great guys I could've had potential with off tinder but I couldn't believe anyone would actually like me so I lashed out at them and drove them away over the years. I'm so afraid of being alone forever but I'm also so afraid of dating because I feel like I talk too much, I analyze too much, and I fall in love way too fast. I want to believe there's a person out there for me and sure, there's a lot of people who could have chemistry with me but how would I have the strength to wait for them or control my anxiety while waiting for them to text back? I wish I could be in a happy relationship more than anything but I keep self destructing and cutting people off.
If anyone's been through anything similar or could offer any advice to get better at attracting love without ruining it, I'd appreciate it.
You sound like my partner, who is not my partner at the moment, sometimes it all gets to much for her and she lashes out. Possibly keep how you really feel written down, and trust yourself..
@vlostatseav glad someone with my issues can have a partner although I hope she makes an effort to treat you right. Writing it down, yeah, that's one way to deal with it...
@PoisonCupcakes I have a long way to go till I can actually trust myself but hopefully that happens eventually.
I will.always be there for her and love her, and she has done some terrible things, at the moment she does not want me, so I wait by the phone, it is not healthy for me. If you can't stick to your own rules, it's not time.to.iimvolve some else. I suggest practice...
@vlostatseav Hang in there, I hope things get better. If she doesn't come back, another girl will but you're a loving person and deserve to extend that empathy and kindness to yourself too. And that's true, you're right.