Affair advice

I’ve been married for 20+ years. My husband is an alcoholic. We have grown up children. We don’t have sex and haven’t done for over 10 years. We are more like brother and sister than a couple. 

In April 23 I met a man at work. We hit it off straight away. We became really good friends. We spent a lot of time together at work and shared personal stories. He is also married but for less time, and has a 7yo daughter. He told me his wife is very controlling and he lives with his in laws. He also has a son from a previous relationship who he doesn’t have contact with. 

We became really close. He asked a couple of times whether our friendship would go any further, but I always brushed it off.  I had some surgery for an ileostomy in April 24 and he was really supportive. In June 24 he told me he’d fallen in love with me. I told him he didn’t mean it and was being silly, that he was not to say it again. One day in August 24 I came into work and it was just us two. He kissed me and it led on to us starting an affair. 

He would send me messages at home from his work phone, telling me how much he loved me, how I was everything he’d ever wanted but we both agreed we could never leave our current spouses. I could never leave my husband as I know he would drink himself to death and I couldn’t look my children in the eye knowing I’d let that happen. He couldn’t leave his wife because she had already told him during fights he’d no see his daughter and he has hated being separated from his son and does not want to repeat the pattern. I was fine with this arrangement. 

We slept with each other end of September and have done so 3 more times. We’ve managed to go on little dates during the work day to restaurants and cinema. When we’re together it feels amazing. 

However his behaviour since mid December has been odd. He stopped messaging me at home. He stopped making an effort to see me. I asked him about it and he denied it was happening. I knew he’d be taking 3 weeks off over Christmas because his wife was having a hysterectomy. I didn’t expect any contact from him given his behaviour leading up to that point. He sent me a merry Christmas text but forgot my birthday. 

He had previously arranged to spend his first day back at work with me. I waited for him in the office. Then about an hour later he sent me a message saying he was supposed to come in but he was feeling poorly so he decided to work from home. I didn’t reply. 2 hours later he said he was on his way to the office. I’d already left at this point as I was upset. We talked but it was strained. He didn’t seem to recall planning to spend the day with me. It was as if he’d just said it but nothing was confirmed so it didn’t matter. I just let it slide as I was too upset and didn’t want to lose my temper. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I realised anything we did was always on his terms and when it was convenient for him. He’d often ask me to come into work on days i was working from home, and I would make an excuse to my husband and go in. I never asked him because I think I knew deep down he wouldn’t do it. If he messaged me at home, it was always when his wife was away. The messaging was inconsistent and always from his work phone. He said he couldn’t message from his personal phone as she regularly checked it. I told him about how to do locked chats on WhatsApp but he still wouldn’t do it, he said he was too scared. 

I guess what I’m wondering is if I’ve been an idiot and he doesn’t love me at all. Has he just been saying this because he wanted to have sex with me. Does he keep me around because I boost his ego. All of it has really made me question my worth and doubt myself. I feel stupid and used. I don’t know what to do.