feeling numb - a confession

After my partner made me realize that i am controlling him and I'm emotionally hurting him I vowed to make myself a better person. not through words but actions.

but now i kinda feel so numb, embarrassed, and undeserving. He has given me a second chance and i am so grateful for that. but now i just feel different. i dont bring him up anymore. i shy away from conversation about him. when I'm with him I'm fine but when its just me and my thoughts i keep thinking i dont deserve him.

I think I'm embarrassed of what I've done and so ashamed. i dont want to talk about him because i dont think i deserve to. I started having unhealthy thoughts again. that hasn't happened since i was 14. I want to bring it up to someone because i just need to let it go but I'm just so embarrassed and ashamed that the problem was me.

I don't think i deserve to feel this way. I'm not the hurt one. he is. so why do i feel like this. I'm not allowed to feel like this. i just wish i could tell someone. and i guess in a sense, I am. here. so thank you for listening.