Sex life struggling.
I'm struggling with depression for 9Y. 3Y ago it was intensified by postpartum depression. My housband is my first lover, and we are struggling with our sex life for past 9Y. His libido was much higher than mine to start with, but mine is nonexistent at times. This lead to many arguments resulting in compromises where I performed sex activities when I didn't feel like it. That led to me disliking sex, but felt the need to satisfy him. Now I know that the pressure for sex led to me hating the act altogether. My housband had many complaints of my non happy face during sex and me treating it as a chore.
1Y ago I stopped breastfeeding to start different meds (psychotropic) in hopes that they would bring my libido back. Turns out my problems are more complex and ofc that did not work. I'm starting psychotherapy with sexuologist, to cover my dislike for sex.
Housband wants a divorce, because in past 2 months I did not bring him to ***.
I don't want to hurt my child with divorce and cause him attachment problems.
Should I just go back to having sex (including oral)?
Maybe a divorce is a good idea?
Any ideas for other fix to satisfy my housband? He pushes for divorce on daily basis now and wants me to agree to shared custody, but since I'm the main caregiver to our child I don't agree on that being a good solution.
@calmLunch2881
Some medications lower your libido so look deeper into side effects. Have you had any medical appointment and discuss low libido with a doctor as it can be a hormone in balance.
I can see how when you feel it is a chore or just for him you may have a mental block. you also need to have communication with spouse that it is not fun or enjoyable if it is ONLY for him and you get nothing out of it .... once he sees it is not a you issue but a couple issue perhaps you can work through the disconnect.
Yes I mentioned it to my psyichiatrics. That's why she proposed bupropion since it should have more stimulating effect. Since even higher dosage did not work I'm getting more bloodwork done and enlisted in therapy (but will start in 2 weeks). But housband does not believe that will change a thing.
@calmLunch2881
Honestly it might or might not there is no guarantee
if a hormone or chemical imbalance you might feel better and less depressed.... but the relationship between you two needs more work and understanding. I have seen many husbands that for them they think if we could only get back to when we were the closest and were so connected and for many men that is / was during intimacy. If he is just concerned for himself it will NOT work as his lack of understanding or consideration of your needs is a big deal breaker.
@calmLunch2881 I may be alone in thinking this, but always performing sex acts you don't want to do or are not in the mood to do is not something I would consider a compromise. Pressuring you for sex or for you to do this or that for his sole pleasure is not a loving thing to do. I do believe sex is important in relationship as it brings people closer, but it should always be consensual. I truly believe you should never have to do something you don't want to do as it can just lead to resentment and pain. Just as sex is important, so is intimacy and intimacy is something special that brings closeness. Compromise is seeing that you are battling depression and going through a tough time right now and wanting to do something to ease your burden. ♡ It's not one sided. Again, I'm sorry but I just feel you should never feel obligated doing sexual things you don't want to. And you shouldn't feel guilty for saying "no" when you don't want to. I do hope whatever is causing or contributing to you feeling the way you do gets worked out. Having to hear about how your partner wants a divorce because of this or that on top of your mental health struggles and life's stressors has to be draining. I really hope things get better for you! ♡
I am late to this discussion, but have very similar problem and was skimming to find out if there was somewhere to talk about it. I spent most of my marriage with a lower labido, but after my daughter ran away I suffered depression and anxiety. My husband wanted me to perform sexually and it was always unwilling on my part, but he persuaded me and argued if I didn’t. I have woken up to being fondled, and he can’t even put his arm around me at bedtime without trying to remove my underwear.
I come to realize that A) I was never going to feel in the mood as long as I was feeling this resentment and B) it is wrong. No one should ever force you, coerce you or shame you into it, not even your spouse. That is still abuse. Mine doesn’t want a divorce and is fighting me more now that I do. Im afraid of my kids hating me for it. Especially the daughter the just returned a few moths ago. But I can’t mentally handle this either. How do you explain that reason for leaving to your kids?
My point is if he can’t support you and know that he’s hurting you, do you really want to be with him? I’m in the same boat and having all the same difficulties making the moves. Sending you support and strength to do what’s truly best for you.
