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Polyamory/nonmonogamy difficulties

User Profile: sarahuman
sarahuman 1 day ago

I am so sad and anxious and not sure what to do. 

I've always practiced nonmonogamy and am in a nonmonogamous relationship of over two years. 

However over the past year whenever my partner persues new relationships I get overwhelming anxiety. We talk about things but are sort of going around in circles about what our issues are. We have done a lot of good work but once again he's started talking to someone new and im overwhelmed with anxiety. It feels like a trauma response because it's so overwhelming but im not sure to what and im not sure how to go about processing/sorting through it. 

I'm not sure if we need to try monogamy to work on our issues, break up, or something else I'm not sure of. 

In an ideal world, we could work with a nonmonogamy councilor, but we really don't have the money for that. 

3
User Profile: jacek73
jacek73 1 day ago

@sarahuman

I think it is a question of choices made by two people, but I believe it's often about two things: maximizing safety and maximizing satisfaction.

If you are about maximizing variety of experience and satisfaction, non-monogamy may work quite well. However, if you would need more balance between satisfaction and feeling secure, monogamy could be a good thing. Especially if you were considering having any children...

I think it is also about taking some responsibility for your partner when he or she suddenly gets ill, or (not so suddenly) older or maybe less visually attractive. For me that is a question of balance between just being lovers and becoming lifetime friends.

User Profile: Aayla
Aayla 23 hours ago
@sarahuman I'm sorry that counseling is not a possibility at the moment. The most important thing now would be to figure out what happens to you when your partner starts a new relationship: that event surely triggers something inside you, it's a matter of figuring out what (some time of fear, insecurity? What would it be related to? Something that happened in your past?) and how to deal with it.
Maybe there are some things that can be done to make you feel more reassured that your partner cares about you and would not leave you behind for someone new. What is something meaningful that would make you feel more valued and loved by your partner? Perhaps there's something else missing, like not spending enough quality time together, or feeling like he doesn't rely on you enough?
I realize it's not easy to figure it out without counseling. Maybe you can take some time to be just the two of you and figure it out together. Switching permanently to monogamy might not be the solution, as whatever fear you have might still be there even if he doesn't actively pursue new relationships.
User Profile: Blissbabe
Blissbabe 14 hours ago

@sarahuman To me it sounds like maybe you've found yourself in a relationship where you don't want it to be non-monogamous? If you've always been non-monogamous and the anxiety is specific to this relationship, there's definitely something behind that feeling to explore. It wouldn't hurt to ask your partner if you could try it for awhile.

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