Insecure and controlling
Hello,
I’ve been with my husband for nine years and in that time I’ve always been insecure and controlling. He has his own toxic traits and we’ve been able to make it work by (probably unhealthily) catering to each other. To avoid triggering me, he has largely always avoided any female friendships and we’ve had no issues with this for years.
Well, about a year ago he became very involved in an online community and I found out he was behaving very flirtatiously with several women. I have no reason to think it went beyond that and he adamantly insists he’s not interested in other women, but it caused months of fights as he was unwilling to leave the community. It nearly even led to divorce as I couldn’t stand his continued involvement and was angry that he was suddenly changing the status quo, while he was angry at my lack of trust as well as me trying to make him give up his friends and community.
There’s a lot more to it but I feel like that’s a decent baseline. At the core of all of this is an intense fear of someone tempting him away from me and so I don’t even want to allow the chance. Yes, it also means I don’t trust him even though there is no history there. To my knowledge he has never cheated but he does gaslight and lie and I absolutely cannot stand the idea of being cheated on and not knowing.
He has stopped the flirtatious behavior and mainly only talks to male friends now, but he cannot fully disengage with women there and I know he shouldn’t have to but it continues to freak me out. Knowing he’s even capable of behaving the way he did has left me with heightened insecurity and anxiety and we end up fighting regularly if I get any sense that he’s talking to women.
I know this is extremely unhealthy and controlling and I see all these other people who have no issue with their partner having online friends of the opposite sex, some even openly flirting, but I just absolutely lose it if I see anything that seems even remotely too familiar. My brain immediately starts wondering if this or that might be happening.
I am looking into professional therapy but would appreciate any advice or tactics I could try for getting passed this. I’ve had the most success with completely disengaging because if I don’t see it, I have nothing to get riled up about, but something always inevitably pulls me back into the paranoia and I start checking in on him or questioning things.
How do people just… trust. The idea of not knowing what might be happening makes me crazy and so everything in me wants to just take away any scenario in which it could happen.
@Blissbabe
The line you started with stated you were and sounds like still are is insecure.
You both have been walking around on eggshells catering to each other avoiding toxic behaviors for years. Now that he had what most likely was innocent flirting after avoiding females for you for a long time.
It is NOT about talking with the opposite sex .. I know it is scary but maybe to learn to trust and let go of this anxiety is to communicate .... i would say talk but many couples talk but get no where ... to connect and share leads to a better relationship.
You will learn to be more secure in yourself, your relationship and your worth and that helps with your trust as well.
@Blissbabe
The way I see it, feeling secure in a relationship always consists of two parts: the first part being how secure you may feel with your partner, the second is how secure you can feel just being yourself.
You said you trust your partner in general and he has no history of cheating (either on you, or in his previous relationships) - what sounds good. But then you mentioned gaslighting and lying - which doesn't.
Nobody is a lonely island, so I believe you cannot prevent your partner from meeting other women at work, at the grocery, or at (non-dating-type!) community forums.
And I believe it depends on how wisely a person can take it, other people around can make his/her relationship more complete, or damage it.
I think what most people are looking for in opposite sex friends is either something similar to their partner (to feel safer when their real partner is not around), or something totally different.
For example: if your wife at home is a perfectionist, obsessed about cleaning and rules, usually dressed in t-shirts and trousers, you may be attracted by a spontaneous, joyful woman in a colourful dress, who gives you a short moment of excitement and fun. The difference is: if you are satisfied with just a friendly chat, or are you going to follow this girl in a colourful dress to her home...
But the other part is what is your self-esteem and how safe you feel being yourself. Speaking in a technical way - just to explain it - it is a question if you would have been able to survive and find someone another if your current partner left. These are questions like "Am I good person?", "Can other people find me attractive?", "What qualities I see in myself?".
Of course, we never want our partner to leave, and never expect it to happen. But it is asking "Am I anything more than just being a part of this relationship?".
It is about both your relationship feeling strong and your feeling strong as a person. And while you can never fully control your partner (and never should, I believe), you can always do something to improve your self-esteem.
What would you think about it?
