Husband being an a-hole for no reason
I’ve been married for close to 2 years and despite this post’s title, my husband can be very sweet and caring when he wants to be, but there are times when he’s an a-hole for absolutely no reason. It took me some time to catch on because I was too involved in my own anger and frustration in the past, trying ti figure out what I did during those times for him to act that way. I’ve started realizing there really isn’t anything I’ve done to trigger it/him, by his own admission in the past, meaning there’s nothing I can do on my end to prevent it.
He was making ‘dinner’ by the time I got home from work and he asked me to just sit and relax for a bit while he finishes up. I did end up having to make additional stuff because it was literally boiled veggies with bland chicken and he said he doesn’t want to eat anything because his stomach is upset. I just made some additional stuff and some cold food to soothe his stomach which he had no problems eating, and getting seconds. I had just gottten off the phone with my parents (who were at my uncles funeral)) and his parents as well, and was sitting on the bed on my knees for literally 2 mins (might be tmi but I’m on my period and didn’t want to accidentally stain the sheets), and he started telling me off for sitting on my knees and how it’s compressing the mattress and will make it lumpy, etc. I told him I don’t want to stain it accidentally and he just continued with his tirade about ruining the mattress and that it won’t even last for a year that way, and how I always do it. I asked him when I do it and he gave me an example from yesterday when I was on my hands and knees on the mattress for 30 seconds while he was putting a sheet wher I had been laying on it, and that’s the only example he could come up with. Unsurprising as I’m only ever in bed for the 6-7 hours that i sleep, I’m not even home most of they day, he is (works remotely). Anyway it’s things like this, completely unprovoked and that lead to utterly pointless arguments with no resolution over and over again. We spend at least one day every weekend just fighting, many times just because he wants to be d*ck for no reason. I’m trying to not get worked up over things because I have blood sugar and blood pressure issues and fights only drive my blood pressure up. It would be fine even if there’s a purpose for them or we learn to make sure the same thing doesn’t repeat but there’s no resolution to this, the most I get is him admitting that he was being a d*ck but he doesn’t know why, and then he goes down the self-pitying rabbit hole of “maybe I’m just a bad person” and I have to spend the next hour convincing him he isn’t and it’s something he needs to work on.
I don’t really know what to do about it other than either detach myself or give him *** for it, but I do sometimes wonder if he’s a narcissist based on some of the things I’ve seen from him. Advice would be nice.
@neonSummer8296
I am sorry you are having this disconnect and i think that is what you are going through...
It is not about the small things you are fighting about it is deeper... when we have unresolved things small items like knees on mattress become a " you always do this" issue.
Perhaps you both need to look deeper and if in a good place talk about real issues... not the small stuff that blows up.... trying to label his actions is not going to help ANYTHING... only adds gas to a smoldering fire
so you work a lot ? and he works from home... working remote sounds good until you see they do not have the human interaction people do at workplaces ... perhaps he is craving conversation / interaction...you talking with both parents etc what was he just told after then fact ... talk about feeling left out.
you come home....... he is trying to cook dinner for both of you .........you are on phone and other things and he is alone ... Maybe his dinner did not come out well so you made other things how would you feel if reversed unappreciated or insulted ... we all have had less then perfect cooking results ....... you making other things and saying bland etc maybe was not supportive.
then comes the bed thing ..............he loses it about a non issue to vent his frustration... we do not tell our spouse things and instead ....let small triggers get blown up.
This may be an item you can work on in counseling or if you feel you can both use "i feel" lines and not the "you always do XYZ things " .................you can open up about the real issue behind the built up resentments.
Otherwise this goes on and on ... we need to speak up and find out what is getting under their skin.
@toughTiger6481
hey thanks for the reply and advice! I’m sorry this is so late, I just logged on after a long time.
You brought up some really good points and I thought about how I would feel if the situation is reversed. The thing is though, the situation often is reversed and I handle it much better than he did. The situation from last time, he was also on the phone with his parents the entire time I was talking to mine and also when I got on the call with his parents, we spoke to them together. So there’s no reason for him to feel left out. If anything, I usually call my parents once in 2 weeks or so, while he talks to his mom every morning and every night regardless of where we are. It’s not always for long but at least one night a week, he’ll go off into the bedroom when she calls and they talk for anywhere from 1-3 hours. I used to feel bad about it, especially if we were in the middle of something but over time I just reasoned that maybe that’s their relationship and let it go.
As far as the food goes, I completely understand that someone who put effort into a meal would feel bad if their partner didn’t like it, and I’d have eaten it happily if he was also going to eat with me, but that wasn’t the case. He made food that was quite literally inedible and then said he has an upset stomach and doesn’t want to eat it. Knowing him, he would have gotten out of bed around midnight and munched on snacks because he couldn’t take the hunger any longer. When the situation is reversed, I come home after 10-12 hours of running around at work, to spend another 1.5 hours in the kitchen making dinner for the night and next days lunch, and just as I’m finishing up, he will take one look at it, tell me that it looks terrible, possibly yell at me about it and walk off, then try it and realize that it actually tastes really good (by his own admission later). This exact situation has happened at least 3 times in just the last 2 weeks. It’s the same fight every time and he says the same thing every time, that he won’t pass comments on it next time until he has tried it, and he ends up doing the exact same thing again.
About the work, don’t get me wrong, I used to work from home myself during covid and I get how it can be to not have any human interaction, but it’s also soooo much less stressful than working in person. This isn’t just for me, hubby has social anxiety so working in person takes a toll on his mental health and productivity, so working remotely is an ideal situation for him, especially since he interacts with people over chats and calls, which is just enough to make him feel like a part of a team without the drawbacks that come with it. Meanwhile, the reason I pointed out the difference is because while he is mentally exhausted at the end of a work day, I am both mentally and physically exhausted because I often have to run around a lot for different meetings and deal with the anxiety that comes with my boss sitting directly behind me.
it’s not that he doesn’t do any chores, but I feel like I end up doing the ones that are more frequent, more time-consuming, and take more effort. As in, I do the cooking on most days of the week, and he does the dishes, but I have to cook everyday or we don’t have a dinner or lunch for the next day, while he can get away with doing dishes every 3-4 days, when they’re starting to spill out of the sink. He doesn’t even bother helping me get the dishes and cutlery out when I’m done cooking anymore, something I always do if I’m not cooking that night. Or he’ll do the laundry (stuffing them in the washer, then in the dryer, which takes 10 mins overall) and then dump all the clothes on the bed and it’s my responsibility to fold them all (which takes at least an hour). I brought up this unequal distribution of labor and he put up a fight but said that we can switch and he’ll prove his point. It’s been 3 weeks and the clothes are still piled up on the guest bed and wrinkled.
I think it’s time to see a counselor and work on these issues before they get worse. I definitely have a chip on my shoulder from watching my parents’ marriage and the mistakes my mom made, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable with my expectations.
@neonSummer8296
Remember a counselor is NOT a cure all .........and many times if both of you are not willing to talk deep down about your issues. together ... how comfortable will you be in front of a stranger? ...just playing this he did this / she did that out in front of a counselor IS IMO like two kids trying to tell on each other to a parent ( counselor) for a big $$$ fee.
i just had spouse make me "my favorites" except first of all he no longer remembers my favs and he did not know how to prepare what he bought very well .........so frankly he may have made me rethinking ever eating those items again.... it was so bad.... he snaps at me now and tells me "ewe" on items i cooked.... not because it was......... but he is still angry his "surprise dinner" was so bad.... embarrassment/ pride and feeling like he failed has spurred bitterness... and i NEVER even said it was bad ... but he knew it was and became defensive..... we talked so he can OWN his things good or bad and move on not end up with remember that time moments.
these are putting people in competition or test of wills..... to see IF the dishes flowing out of sink will pushes you to snap and be the "unreasonable " one. Finding balance is finding what deep down is pissing you off. It is incredibly hard but we need to OWN our own feelings and say it .......not act passive aggressive in return. my trigger was not what i thought it was and when i dealt with it things were better.
Stress and anxious is different for every person and people think especially with partners ' this is easy for me so they must find it easy too'... BUT we are used to looking as we are a couple and he or she is not doing what we expect.... look at them as a person who may not feel his needs/ wants are being considered ....... and show him you want/ need somethings.... it is the small things
i drink coffee in morning he does only a few times but he is always up first and to just turn on the coffee maker was not too much to ask ... his thought was he did not want some so .....when i calmly said " i do things for you ( insert example) and was not doing just cause i wanted to" ... the coffee switch is turned on now with no issue, small nice gestures seem silly but really can anger someone and when we talk about our problems and if we say he did not flip the button on they look at us like "wow you are a problem " the small battles are the real fuel for the big ones.