How does a woman’s mind work?

@Trex1983 Hello. Certainly, I am not a woman, but I've read a few of your messages here, and I am terribly sorry to hear about what you are going through, being the sole remaining part of your marriage.

Let's try to reverse the roles: Let's imagine you are the one who cheated on your wife. You decided to try something different, being bored, feeling not admired enough, losing the connection. You met with another woman in her car. Later you let your wife read the messages between the two of you. When she asked you why did you do that, you said you wanted to get "excited". Now you see there is nothing to repair on your side, and you behave in a cold, rejecting way towards your wife. And you said (or didn't say at all!) the story with another woman is finished, but you expect your wife to behave in a special way - then maybe it helps.

How would you see that if such a situation happened to your best friend or to a stranger?

Judging from your description, your wife seems to not be a giver type. Rather she looks like a passive person, demanding love, support and admiration, but maybe giving nothing in return.

Someone who was replying to your previous posts said that starting or saving a relationship takes two. How would you like the idea?

I agree with you the sensual and sexual parts of a relationship strongly depend on a "chemistry" working between two people. When there is another person, there is another chemistry. The problem is when the fire in a wife or a husband is out...

I am sorry, but the "YOU must change, to not make ME do it again" smells like some kind of blackmailing to me. I imagine you might feel guilty about being not caring enough, not devoted enough or too caring about some other things than your marriage (work?). But what makes you want to put all the blame on yourself?

You seem to be a nice, caring, thoughtful person. What could have happened if now you took care of the feelings and well-being of the closest person you're ever going to have: yourself?

Hi Trex1983, 

Just read your story. I'm a woman and wish I could give you some insightful advise on this... 

Of course I hear the story from your side now and can only react to your view on the situation. And yes, women and men both think in different ways, which sometimes makes it very hard to talk about everything you would want to be able to talk about with your partner... I know firsthand that it can be a real struggle to build a deep connection with the one you love.

What I would like to know is if you are able to have good conversations together? 

I would say it's normal to both give and take and make it a good balance. So when it comes to making love you should both feel free to enjoy and also it should feel great to give your partner enjoyment in return. That should not even be something to think about (in my world). Is this something that happens lately or has it always been like this? (You giving and not receiving).

Men tend to be more solution driven and rather analyse situations to see what they can fix (I think) and women tend to search for mutual ground, understanding and emotional connection a bit more.

When things go wrong it's often because of lack of communication or (and this is killing) assumptions and expectations... If you expect something from your partner you should say so and you should feel like it's okay to discuss everything in the open about anything, anytime. If your partner has giving you the impression (past experiences) that that's not possible, then you should really discuss just that (that you don't feel free to talk about everything together and why).

It's a matter of trust and keeping an open mind. You should praise your partner when he / she takes up the courage to talk about a very difficult subject, that they are ashamed of or of which they dread your reaction... Often partners will react bluntly without actually thinking about the other person's viewpoint or feelings... They react from their own viewpoint and (possibly) limitations or values/principles. 

I cannot judge your situation from a few lines and examples, and don't want to. I can just say that it's important for you to realize that you're the star in your own life. Life is not as long as you might think it is... (I'm 46... I'm starting to feel old, haha). Besides: you only have one life! Live it!

If you feel stuck or limited by someone elses boundaries: talk about it if you really love that person. If you don't: go and live your own life and make it worth it.
And if you do raise the subject with your partner try to keep it open minded from your side too. Acknowledge it if she doesn't understand and reach out to find eachother in the middle. If you feel like you're the one making all the effort: that will give you some valuable insights into how your communication together works (or doesn't) ... 

Making your life about you is not selfish. It means that you consider yourself important enough to want to be happy. And if you're happy the people around you will feel that. The ones that really love you for who you are will never begrudge you your happiness and will help you. Those are the ones to keep in your life.

Hope this helps somewhat... Good luck!

reading your story i feel a little bad for the situation you are in and i understand it. i am not supposed to give you advices as it might stop your growth but based on your situation i remembered some of my personal observations that i would share and you can extract information from it.

1. relationship is a 2 way thing , a person will only change when he/she wants to

2. in your case , when dealing with your other half you dont listen to believe , you instead follow other person actions as to how this persons action/schedule changed that either gives you hope or proves like some change is happening what other person said.

3. you are strong even though you might feel weak now , do not transfer your emotional control to else , its never good in the long run as some may call it love with boundaries.

4.  it is observed usually by me (based on my experience(reason : maybe harmones)) personally that men remember picturised version of memory , while women remember memory through experience , so happiest memory comes first then happier memory then others until they experience any other strong memory to adjust the list.

i know you are in a difficult spot, not sure if counselling might , but if possible take personal counselling for yourself either proffesionally or with a friend . i wont ever want you to come to a conclusion in unstable mental state.

Up to 2 years ago things were amazing… our sex life was amazing, both giving and receiving. Then it felt like we hit a brick wall, she’d been chatting with and calling another guy. I didn’t find this one out, she told me… only because she was falling for him, he claimed he was separated. Turned out he wasn’t, and she only found out when planning to meet up and he turned her down. Said he was working when he was actually going on a weekend break with his partner. She realised he had been gaslighting her. She called him and confronted him in front of me. She told me at this point that she loved me but wasn’t in love with me anymore.

From that point things changed and everything from her stopped, almost overnight. No snogging, no sex, avoiding touch, even turning away from kissing and cringing when I go to hug her.

Communication is a huge problem for us now. When I try to talk, she gets upset, crying and very angry. I don’t like seeing her upset and that makes me not say what I’m thinking.

I suggested using the paired app to try to get us to open up and talk more in a non-confrontational way but she’s not trying with that and stopped answering any of the questions on there. I figured if she can start to feel more comfortable about talking honestly then we can then move on to verbal, but she won’t try and I’m struggling for ideas.

It’s not all one sided, I went for a fully naked massage after this thinking we were over and wanting to just not feel repulsive. There was no sex in that and I specifically searched for someone that was professional and didn’t offer that service, but she found out about that and tried to put blame on me, despite what she’d already done, was still doing and had told me.

I can’t help but feel like other guys have manipulated her and broken her and I don’t know how to fix her or help her. I just want my wife back, the woman I love so much. 🙁