Can’t let go of someone I haven’t seen in years
a little over 10 years ago, I was forced to walk away from someone who I really genuinely liked because they were two years younger than me and, since I was still living at home at the time, my parents felt I shouldn’t be spending time with someone younger than me. They didn’t want me to “ruin” this person even though I had never done anything to give them reason not to trust me and I was strictly just friends with this person. I continued to see them at work and we continued being friends through the summer of my senior year, and once school started back up things changed in my personal life and we never really saw eachother after that. This person was my best and only friend at the time and I was forced to let them go without explanation.
fast forward to now, I’m in a failing marriage with someone else who has been emotionally unavailable for years and is not putting in any meaningful effort into the relationship. We’ve been tinkering around with the topic of divorce and the reasons he has given me on staying are because he is afraid to be alone and afraid of the unknown. Which is kind of hurtful in itself. I have get emotional neglect for years and I am quite frankly tired of feeling alone and unloved.
occasionally I have run into this old friend and whenever we do see eachother, I’m always greeted with a warm smile and a hug as if no time has really passed between us. I have never stopped thinking about him and cheering him on from behind the scenes, and I still feel the same way I did about him over a decade ago even though our paths rarely cross anymore. No matter how hard I try to shove it down and dent it, I can’t push it away even when I want to. Just the mention of his name brings everything to the surface and I can’t figure out why I can’t move past someone who isn’t even a pet of my life much anymore. A few years back we talked briefly and I apologized for the way things had come to an end with us and he thanked me for the explanation and wanted to stay friends but we haven’t really seen eachother since. As far as I am aware he is still single and I am finding myself wondering if I should accept defeat in my many fruitless, one sided attempts to save my marriage and see what opportunities present themselves.
it’s not like I haven’t tried to fix my marriage, but it’s pretty hard to do when the effort is one sided. I find myself wondering if I am really crazy enough to end what I do have, although it causes much heartache and leaves me feeling empty much of the time, to risk a chance of possibly reconnecting with this old friend. There’s no saying he’d even want to reconnect as friends or anything more than that. But I have never been able to fully let him go or come anywhere close to it. This person literally haunts me in my dreams and I suddenly am hearing the song he showed me and saved to my iPod everywhere I go. The song is yellow by Coldplay and I never got an actual reason as to why he played the song and saved it to my library for me. It is a love song but did it really have any meaning?
I also am feeling undeserving of even speaking to him in a platonic way, and I don’t know how I’d ever be able to be around him or his family if I tried because I feel so unworthy even though they have only ever been kind to me. I just feel like I am used and he would deserve someone better than me.
anyway. I’m lost. I’m confused. I’m torn.
@placidPineapple1350
When you are in an unhappy situation we can be looking for the one that got away....
It is also a one sided situation as you have put a lot of thought into "what if " about this person ... and "does adding a song on your playlist meant something more?" .... we may take even the smallest gesture as they feel the same way too.
It feels great to have the idea of a long lost love reignited after you had an unsuccessful situation..... that is what so many love story novels and movies even new stories of older people who reconnect after decades .... i feel that clouds our judgement too.... can you step back and evaluate if you really want that thrill of getting to know each other and being new and excited about what if...... because you are unhappy in marriage.
That’s what I keep trying to tell myself. I could totally be overthinking it and I don’t know anything about the other persons pov. I guess it’s hard for me because looking back I have always been in relationships where I am either abused or just plain neglected/ignored so little gestures have always gone hugely noticed for me. I definitely have always enjoyed those types of almost redemption like stories where people who were destined to be finally find eachother in the end. I am trying to brush this off as “that’s not reality and you have to be totally ok with being alone for an undetermined amount of time if you decide to let go of your marriage. And totally ok with this person not feeling the same way if that were the case. “
I am really trying to reflect on what my life would look like if I were to be alone and I think I’d be ok. I am an introvert and I have lived alone and spent much time by myself. I’d say 80% of the 5.5 years I’ve been married I’ve been physically alone and mentally alone 90%. The day after we got married he left town for work and that was our life. Only together on the weekends and then he’d be too tired to even talk to me. And I had been lied to and almost manipulated into marrying him and didn’t find out til 6 months after the wedding and my trust has never been the same. I try to picture how I would feel about him moving on and me being alone and all the possibilities that could happen and I think it’s just giving me more to worry about and be confused over. But I think I’m ok with being alone
@placidPineapple1350
I think it is good to be aware and OK to be alone.... but in reality many things change when we leave that situation .... often we need to meet new people and build our lives over again.
True. There’s a lot to think about i
@placidPineapple1350 What about asking your friend to hang out and catch up? And I’m sorry, if your husband’s reason for not letting you be free to find happiness is because poor little him doesn’t want to be alone then maybe he should step up or step aside. Why do you have to live your life in this b.s. limbo state. Sure you might leave a bit of turbulence in the wake of making new choices, but really should you be condemned to muddle through a life of dissatisfaction? Maybe you’re afraid of losing your current status quo because it feels safe.
I’ve recently thought about reaching out but I am not sure what to say or how to even begin. I’ve never been good with making friends and I overthink a lot of things so it’s something I have to work on.
i feel the same way about everything you said. If the only reason to stay is so he doesn’t have to be alone, that’s not fair to me and honestly not a good reason for either of us. This limbo is taking its toll on my mental health. I’ve even asked him to “step up or ship out” as I say because even though I don’t feel worth much right now, deep down I know I deserve to not feel this way in my own home.
it does feel scary making that choice and I feel like I need to just make one and roll with it. I’ll be uprooting everything
