omg I need advice asap
So almost 3 years ago I was 18, in college and in a really dark place mentally and I took it out on my two best friends that I had known since we were 2. We had literally gone though everything together, good and bad and they were the light in my life. But April 2018 out of nowhere, I started a huge fight about something stupid and before I knew it the friendship ended. Instead of taking the opportunity to fix it and apologize, I didn't answer nor speak to them for a whole year.
April 2019, out of nowhere, I send each of them a long ass word document giving them an explenation. Long story short, no matter what I said, the fact that I completely stonewalled them for a full year hurt them even more than what I did in the first place. Too much time had passed, they had moved on with their lives and didn't want to fix things. A couple weeks later I apologized again, expressing how much they meant to me and thanked them for always having been such good friends and for all the memories. How honestly sorry I was that I had destroyed our friendship like this and respected that they didn't want to forgive me. So if they ever wanted to reach out later in life and be friends again, they could and I would be ready with open arms, no matter what. No reply. A couple weeks ago I deleted both of them off all my socials because it just opened the wound every time I saw an update from them and I really needed to heal.
Fast forward to 6th November 2020. It's my 20th birthday, I'm at work and I get a message request on Facebook. It's one of my ex best friends. She said "Hi, I wanted to congratulate you on your big day, I see you've deleted me on facebook and Instagram so you probably don't want to hear from me but I wanted to tell you that I still care about you a lot no matter what and I hope you have a great today <3 " and I replied "Hi, thank you so much for reaching out it literally made my day! I unfollowed you guys because it was hard seeing updates because I miss you so much, I hope you uderstand. But thank you so much and also happy birthday to you the other day! I hope you had amazing day! I wanted to wish you a hb but I didn't think you would want to hear from me again. But I still care about you too so much and it feels so good hearing from you again <3 <3" and she didn't reply. It's been eating me alive literally I can't stop thinking about why she didn't reply, does this indicate she wants to maybe become friends again? Was this a "I'm still not ready to become friends again but I still care about you so happy birthday for now" thing? She didn't wish me a happy birthday last year so I don't know what changed. I really want to talk to her more and ask if she wants to meet up for coffee or drinks but should I just let her take control of the situation and see if she reaches out again later? I'm scared that if I send another message I'll come off too strong and scare her off again so I really need advice over here asap before I explode. I really have grown so much from this and learned so much from this and truly believe that I could be an awesome friend to them. What should I dooo????
Let's say I would send her a message saying "hey, I know this is random but I just really feel like I need to ask you this. Would you maybe like to catch up soon over coffee or a couple drinks?" or idk just any message really. Like, wouldn't it be weird if I would send that randomly days later? Shouldn't I have taken the opportunity when I got it and replied her message? Or am I being too pushy by asking her right away if she wants to meet up? Maybe I should start by having a harmlessly texting with her and slowly build up to suggest meeting up face to face? I Literally haven't seen her face to face since we went to see a movie together in January 2018, the whole fight and everything 3 months later happened over text. I don't want any expectations because I really don't want to get my hopes up. My healing journey has been hard and I'll probably never fully move on. I feel like I've lost two family members and been in some sort of grief for the last 3 years. Because I had always known them and no matter what, they were always there my whole life and suddenly they weren't and my life has felt very empty since all this. I'm still trying to learn to forgive myself for causing all of this. Most days I'm fine but then something happens, I'm sad or I get an anxiety wave that I get sometimes and the feeling reminds me of the fight and then I remember how much I miss them and I get even more sad and just argh I can't sleep my mind is spinning bad. Like I'll 100% cry if I meet her face to face it's going to be so embarassing lmao fuck.
