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Trouble Creating and Maintaining Healthy Friendships
TealTempest27 September 13th, 2020
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Hi everyone!

I'm Teal and I'm new to 7 Cups.

My longest and closest childhood friendship was with a very controlling person, we were friends from when I was 7 or 8 until a huge blowout at 20 years old. The rest of my friends revealed they always felt our friendship was unhealthy but were scared to say anything to me.

Looking back I realized how much I experienced gaslighting and manipulation and how much of my friend's damage had been passed on to me.
This being my most influential friendship I experienced a deep feeling of betrayal looking back. Since then I have struggled with self isolation and difficulties forming healthy friendships.

I've been in therapy for a few years now and learning about healthy relationships has helped me understand what I went through more clearly, but I still struggle with healthy boundaries, believing that I am unwanted easily, having difficulties trusting others, or bonding too quickly with new people. I constantly question if actions are red flags, if my own behavior is appropriate or not, and long for a comfortable connection.
Being in quarantine has made isolation worse of course.

I hope to learn more from all of you members and listeners and maybe flex some social muscles that will have me a bit more comfortable as I can get out in the world again!

Sending love to all of you!

Teal

3
Tyedyedbutterfly65 September 13th, 2020
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@TealTempest27 I am so relate to how to handle relationships and with friends can be so hard for them and me ..

I am the type that gives and gives and it seems people love to take and take.. we can spend years with someone and think we know them and find out we really don't....

I have learned to put me first and then them because they worse me out and some still can .. I think it comes down to setting healthy boundaries for you and for them .

There will never be a perfect relationship sadly we all will have ups and downs and ins and outs .. but true friends make up and forgive and find their way back to each other.

Be open and honest always and just be true to your self and to them.

Best of Luck and please know no one is gonna perfect we are all humans..

Tye

TealTempest27 OP September 15th, 2020
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@Tyedyedbutterfly65

Thank you for your reply. Being an empathetic and loving person can leave you vulnerable to some toxic types unfortunately. I didn't have good boundaries growing up so it's harder to build them now. I can't hold hate for my former friend because she was only a child as well, and her own rough background led her to behave the way she did, it doesn't make it okay though.

I'm trying to build a healthy way to befriend people, and I hold hope that with a little practice I'll get it right eventually. So I keep working on it.

Tyedyedbutterfly65 September 15th, 2020
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@TealTempest27 Oh for sure those of us that are very empathetic and sympathetic and people who wears their heart on their sleeve we will be the ones that are there for everyone and people will sometimes use this against us because they know they can..

It is good that you realize that shehad went through things also and you can move on from this.. You really do have a big heart which is a really good thing of course it comes with some down sides sometimes but I would rather have a big giving heart and my empathetic and everything else then be someone who uses people up and spits them out ..

I believe that you are on the journey of healing and you will get there and learn how to set boundaries and know when to walk away from the ones who use you. or emotionally abuse you .

The biggest thing for me was learning to say NO .. the big NO and let people know I am not gonna do what they think I should do or should not be doing... I no longer allow the guilt trips put on me... Tuning people out works for me it is like a shield.. You know when someone is talking and you really are not hearing them but you are shaking your head or saying yes or okay ,right etc.. sometimes we do have to tune people out and just take our mind someplace else ..

Hang in there you are taking steps just by sharing what you have here.. !

Tyeheart

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