Really depressed over how things are headed

Things were going better for my partner and I when we were on the road coming back from a quick outing to run an errand. Recently I felt like we’d been focusing more on what we do have in common instead of that which we don’t, but that went awry.

It started with him seeing an RV/camper van type vehicle; where we are a lot of people seem to own them. When my partner was younger his dad was into camping and it was their best family

time the weekends they’d go camping before his parents got divorced. So he said how he wished he had enough money to have that and whenever he sees houses with them he thinks how cool it is they can afford one. I immediately thought how that’s never been something that interests me in the slightest and just said “yeah that’s cool, I’ve just never really cared when I saw someone has one.” And we got into our differences and how we don’t meet in the middle and we’re not compatible. I knew that was probably coming from the tone of the convo and expected it, as we were blatantly discussing something we see completely

opposite on.

THEN he started saying how he wants to have a kid of his own and how at 25 he feels he’s getting older. We had discussed this in brief before, never as much as a couple should; I think it should be discussed before getting together and becoming serious but of course I took the easy way out and just went along with whatever vague stuff he said at the beginning which just leads to misery/heartbreak/problems later on down the road. I had mentioned I might want to adopt a kid one day and he seemed on board and had even been deployed overseas where he saw an orphanage so he seemed to have a real tie to adoption beyond just the sheer idea of it. However I also knew that his reason for not wanting his own child was not valid as one time a year or so ago he said he felt he wasn’t good enough to be a dad or to have good genes (stemming from his own troubled childhood/divorced parents). I knew he’d probably change his mind and now today he’s telling me how he wants his own kids and to take them camping in an RV just all these ideas that I’m not really on board with.

i hate myself for being so weak after my previous partner died for jumping into this relationship. We’re almost three years in and my partner died three years ago after he and I were also together three years. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than that; I feel my late partner and I would’ve been had it not been for his passing.

sometimes I love my boyfriend so much and just know God put him in the path for me and he helps me and values me and whatnot and no one may ever love me or be as loyal as he is. My parents love him too but my mom knows how I sometimes regret jumping in. Mr dad is none the wiser to these thoughts and I’m assuming takes comfort in that I’ve found such a solid partner. Other times I hate myself for getting into a relationship and not giving myself time, not being strong enough to have been alone, having felt like I would’ve rather died than be alone. I wish I could’ve been stronger. Now when I try to focus on myself my partner gives me harsh reminders that I’m in a relationship and we have to meet in the middle (and though I get upset, I don’t blame him). I just feel these differences will keep rising up to the surface (if they even go back down after this).

The conversation ends with some sort of compromise or some “small step” it sounds like I’ll be taking in the right direction (the right direction being the middle, where I’m supposed to meet him and where he feels he’s already standing at). I just have too much in my head. For example my late partner’s friend I heard just reached out to his sister and she gave me his number. His friend and I were always close but we haven’t talked since his passing. I feel like I’m not even allowed to talk to him like I’m honoring my past relationship too much. Idk I just wish I never had jumped into this sometimes because it seemed to take away the hurt back then but now like it’s going to cause more hurt in the end.