Looking for perspectives outside my blind spots
Thank you for stopping by.
After a few years of feeling "crazy" and defeated, I finally was able to put together a lot of the puzzle this weekend and see that I am in a controlling relationship.
Of course, I have plenty of my own stuff to keep working on, but I really don't know where to go next.
I believe my partner is controlling subconsciously and I believe they want to get healthier but not sure the wisest approach in the meantime.
@ahava4 Hello! How are you doing? I am glad to hear that you were able to piece some things together and realize that there's something going on that you guys have to figure out. Have you talked to him about how you are feeling? Obviously, please make sure you are safe before saying anything that could potentially be dangerous. Have you guys considered couples' counseling? That could be a good nonbiased place to discuss everything! I hope you guys are able to figure things out and please stay safe! We are here for you. ❤️
@fruityPond7887
Hey, thank you for your thoughts.
We were able to discuss through it yesterday and it seems somewhat productive, though it was very interesting to watch various defense mechanisms (recognizing them from my own use) come into play.
We tried couple counseling about 1 year ago. I learned that counseling was a trigger for her due to experiences with previous relationships. She was emphatic she doesn't want that.
Yesterday was the tenth time since we've been married that she has said she wants divorce. Two of them were over last week. This is what I tried to stay focused on in the discussion of how that affects me.
I am grateful to have a clearer understanding of what is going on, and my role in it, and so I can stand up to future manipulation games and not be as affected by it.
@ahava4 I am so sorry that she is treating you this way. If she continues to treat you this way, maybe divorce could be the best option so that you will be safe. You deserve to live in peace without being controlled by her. I am happy that you are gaining some clarity and things are starting to clear up. I hope things settle down and work themselves out. We are here anytime!
Hey @ahava4!I just wanted to appreciate this.. 😁
I think you did a great job on figuring this out, It's really hard to understand what's wrong in a relationship esp when one side is doing something subconsciously... A puzzling situation you said.I loved that you're taking a look on future path, this even gives me hope to become a more independent person. Cheers to that strength!❤️
Hey @ahava4!I just wanted to appreciate this.. 😁
I think you did a great job on figuring this out, It's really hard to understand what's wrong in a relationship esp when one side is doing something subconsciously... A puzzling situation you said.I loved that you're taking a look on future path, this even gives me hope to become a more independent person. Cheers to that strength!❤️
@ahava4
I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. Theres a term called gaslighting when someone tries to convince you that you are the problem and not them. It can be really hard to recognize this, especially if you really care for that person. There’s so many reasons people do what they do. It’s really mature of you to be so self aware. For that I’m proud of you. It’s not an easy situation by any means but I hope you know we’re always here if you’d like to share more. You are your own person and nobody deserves to feel like they’re being controlled. This would be hard on anyone. You made a great first step by identifying this. With any relationship, communicating is always key. I hope you’re able to overcome this, and I truly believe you are! You strike me as more then capable. Feel free to reach out my friend!
Thank you for the responses. I decided a month ago after multiple boundaries were willfully crossed and I was kicked out again, to take month separation. It brought enough clarity that when we met this weekend I asked for a longer separation since I’m too weak to continue.
It hurts so much to see her in pain and yet I ponder how much pain I am in also. I have learned so much from it and it surely sucks but I have hope for better things (whether reconciliation or not)
I have asked if we could pause living together and just be friends/business partners so that I can also offer support for her. I am sure I’m strong enough but I’m not sure if it is best option for her. She had already said she wants total separation so not sure if should step back or continue to try to offer friendship?
thanks for listening