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Defending My Actions
K3NEOH December 8th, 2023

I'm having a really hard time with my wife. I'm not the best communicator. I'm not the best initiator with the intimate times. I also have an issue with defensiveness. I have been working on this a lot lately but I find myself faltering. My wife has had it. I've also had enough of being told I'm lying about things. And that 'I don't know' or 'I don't remember' are not valid answers. I don't know what to do. My wife is on the brink of leaving. I really need help. If someone has any advice or things to do to better my actions to being called a liar or that my answers are not valid please, please, please let me know.


Please shoot it straight to me. I'm not afraid of reading something that might help or answering tough questions.

1
December 8th, 2023

@K3NEOH Don’t defend your actions. Period. Listen to your wife and as you listen (listen carefully) for the truth in what she says. There IS some truth in what she is saying and your job is to sincerely FIND that truth! AND it WILL make you feel defensive just as it does for everyone who truly listens in a conflict. You don’t have to find 100 percent truth in 100 percent of what she says but you have to find the true thing. Focus on THAT and DO NOT argue about what in her statement is wrong! Then tell her what truth you herd her say. Then use your true words to tell her you love her and appreciate her. Make her feel safe in this conversation. You are not to judge or make her feel defensive herself because if you do you WILL shut down her desire for communication. Then tell her how you feel. 

1. You hear her words and feelings 
2. You agree honestly with what truth you have heard her speak and you repeat that thing you heard (in concept, don’t be a parrot)
3. You make her WANT to stay in this and future conversations by reassuring her that you love her
4. you tell her how you feel
5. you prepare before AND during this conversation to NOT DEFEND YOURSELF. This isn’t a trial where you argue “the facts”. It’s about hearing her thoughts and feelings. And that is NOT easy to do by a long shot because humans are hardwired to argue and defend - why do you think reality TV with Judge Judy is so popular? Because it taps right in to our nature to argue and defend. Great for TV lousy for real relationships. 

My tone has been harsh and lecture like in this post. Only because I want you to hear loud and clear what I think you must do. I had to learn this the hard way. If you’re able to do this it may help a lot. If you’re reading this and think maybe following this will make you “weak” in the relationship, it’s that hard wired “got to win” reaction. You don’t have to “win” you have to be “open.”
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