still moving on from a 9 month relationship after 6 months (vent)

my girlfriend of nine months broke up with me out of the blue in december. i'm still trying to move on in june. i can't stop missing her and it's killing me. i loved her so deeply, she meant the world to me. even with the intense hatred i feel for her, i can't help but love her still. having autism, adhd and bpd traits, a breakup was always going to be hard but i can't help but feel silly for taking so long to move on from a nine month relationship. i think it's the lack of closure and insensitivity on her end that makes me bitter.

our relationship turned slightly toxic (mostly on her half) towards the end due to our clashing mental health issues, she began criticising me daily to make us understand each other more and didn't give me room to speak in turn. she broke up with me at 3am over text message. we called at 4am, me crying/bawling and her completely fine. in the following week she would text me daily asking how i was and telling me about how good she is and all the fun things she is doing. i was still reeling from the abrupt breakup and was extremely pissed at the way she treated it. i had no closure and i was alone. i was checking her instagram about 4 days after the breakup and saw she had changed her profile picture to a photo of her head in man's lap looking up at him. it absolutely broke me.

she messaged me one day asking to meet up and exchange belongings, she was so sweet about it. when we met i didn't speak, only smiling and then asking if we were done once the exchange was over. she looked surprised and said yes, i think she was slightly offended i brushed her off so quickly. she began walking away and i felt bad. she stopped texting after we wished each other well. it hurts me that she moved on so insanely quickly, within 24 hours. a week or two before she was holding my face and saying how perfect i was and how in love with me she was.

something that still haunts me is a situation in october; i got suspicious and paranoid about her friendship with her male friend, she reassured me that he knows she has a partner and that she's a lesbian. i felt awful for accusing her and apologised profusely, it sending me into a psychotic episode. i now come to find out that they started dating about 2 weeks after she broke up with me, and i suspect she was actually cheating on me with the same guy.

i allowed myself to cry and i came to terms with the bad parts of our relationship. i wonder sometimes that the reason she never reached out/never explained was due to my behaviour but i'm not sure how else i should've reacted. we have one class together, she sat with her friend and i found a new friend group. i didn't look her way, i met new people and on the outside, i had completely moved on by janurary. sometimes i feel like she is having a bad day and i want to go up to her and ask what's happening.

i hate her more than i've ever hated anyone but at the same time, i want nothing more than to lay my head in her lap again. i love her so much and i miss her dearly.