break up? or will i regret it?
hi all, i've essentially been emotionally tormenting myself over this decision and really need some help
im 20, in my junior year of college and i've been dating my boyfriend (also 20) for three years (we met in high school). to put it simply, things are good. he's a perfectly nice boy and has seriously been my safety net during some of my darkest moments. that being said, i feel like im losing feelings for a number of reasons that have sort of piled on top of each other.
for starters, i've sort of realized that we have basically nothing in common. im really into nerdy *** like anime, cosplay, kpop, etc etc. he doesnt mind that i like these things but he doesnt enjoy them and doesnt make much of an effort to enjoy them with me. hes more into videogames like rocket league and r6 siege, which i have tried out but cant get into. we just dont ever seem to have anything to go do together, as he prefers to stay in and is the anxious, introverted type. i usually am the one taking the lead and i dont really prefer to be in that position. but i have made it work because i love/loved him. he does do things for me, small things on the daily like picking up takeout for me, grabbing a treat on the way home, which i appreciate so much- but i wish there was more romance involved. once again, i feel like i always end up falling in the decision making role. i dont want to have to be the one to plan dates ALL the time. ive voiced this, wanting to go on dates, dress up, etc, but things have more or less remained the same in my eyes. even with things like political ideas, hes very wishy washy and doesnt care much about social issues. not that he opposes my views, but hes just indifferent. i sort of have to push him to want to vote or care about anything in that realm
more importantly, we dont have similar goals. i really want to travel- i would love to move out of the US some day, if possible, and he really wants to stay put. i wouldnt even consider myself the adventurous type, but i just feel like hes very content with a very simple life, and im not so much. i gave up a better university to be close to him, and i really hate it. by no means is he unintelligent, we have different strengths and weaknesses, but i tend to do better in academics. i like to read, i enjoy creative writing. he doesnt. i think that this puts us on different wavelengths a lot of the time. sometimes i just want someone that i can discuss a book with, you know?
i hate to word it like this, but i feel like im settling at such a young age and maybe im holding myself back? but then on the other hand, am i really the type to leave a perfectly good boyfriend just to 'find myself' or 'adventure?' i just dont know. i definitely LOVE him, i want the best for him, ive never been closer to anyone- but it doesnt feel like im IN love anymore, and i wonder about my happiness in the long run if i have to keep making sacrifices and settling. ive been in two serious relationships almost back to back, 2 years and 3 years respectively. so the last time i was really single was when i was like 14, and i think that may be part of my restlessness.
but what makes this so incredibly hard for me is that he loves me so so much. i was his first girlfriend and he truly has eyes for no one else; wants to get married and everything. he's always there and i know i can count on him. he truly hasnt done anything WRONG i just dont know if we are going to be compatible in the long run... but i also know im the only one in the relationship thats thinking this. i just feel like im the worst for feeling this way, like im entitled or deserve more than something thats already good. i dont know. maybe i feel like i owe him for not running from my depressive episodes and mental struggles.
the big question is do i end things? i keep telling myself its better to do it early than wait another year and feel really stuck, but i worry about feeling regret. or maybe guilt, moreso. i know im going to be lonely without him- i have a hard time making friends, especially at this university. i depend on him so much but.. would this be a good thing for my independence? maybe it would get me out there. i dont know. i dont want to shatter his heart. i seriously want him to be happy, and i dread having to look im in the eye and tell him these things. i just dont know if i have the strength.
@calycocat
It’s okay to feel conflicted. You’re at a crossroads, and it’s completely normal to question what’s right for both your happiness and his. You care about him deeply and respect what he’s brought to your life, but love isn’t always enough if the foundation doesn’t align with the life you want to build. Feeling like you’re settling or growing apart doesn’t make you selfish, it means you’re self-aware. You deserve to feel fulfilled in your relationship, and it’s okay to admit when things don’t feel right anymore. Sometimes staying in a relationship out of guilt or fear of hurting someone can lead to more pain down the line for both of you. It’s possible to end things with compassion, focusing on what you’ve shared and how much you care about him, while still being honest about your needs. If you choose to stay, it might help to have an open conversation about the things that matter most to you and see if you can meet in the middle. Whatever you decide, be kind to yourself. It’s not easy to make decisions like this, but it’s okay to prioritize your happiness and growth.