always burned

i havent been here for a while, I was trying to get my life back but it hasnt really worked. I have been in a relationship with what i know now he is a narcissist. I come from a long history of abuse and seem to achieve a normal loving relationship. Before i met my current bf. i was single for at least 8 years, he sucked me in , the love bombing, the promises, the build up,then drama happened, he was forced out of our house, due to other reasons. I have been trying to remain positive for the last year and a half. I learned about narcissism from my therapist because my ex and my dad are one. Long story short, ive been battling his drinking, cheating and lying, i know now hes a full blown narcissist,im looking back and seeing all those red signs i should have caught.But my heart wanting just one person to truly love me blinded me. Today i did something i never thought i would. i snuck into his place, he normally answers my call, but today he was passed out drunk on his bed with a cigarette in one hand and a cell phone i had suspicions about in the other, I watched that phone light up with text and calls one right after another. I sat for maybe 15 minutes took pictures to prove when i confront him if i get the nerve to. i left and cried all the way to work. I hate myself more than anything, i have no one to turn to because ive alienated every one in my family. I have never been so crushed.