Words of Advice for Divorcing/Separating Couples with Children

Let's face it, sometimes a relationship needs to end even when the couple has children. To provide a backdrop, my husband and I have been together for 11 years and both have children from our past relationship/marriage. We have battled with his ex about his child for years now, however, my ex and I have always had the ability to be civil with one another, despite some resentment on my part. Through the years I have learned some powerful lessons about what it means to make decisions in the best interest of children when trying to co-parent with someone who you may not necessarily like in the moment.

Drawing on some of my personal experiences (yes, including my anger) when my ex-husband and I divorced, I wanted to post these words of advice in the hopes of helping other couples/single parents with ways to approach separation when there are children involved.

1. Children are not tools to torture your ex.

Knowing how much your ex, or soon-to-be-ex, loves the child/ren is not an opportunity to use children as ammunition to make your ex miserable or make them pay for whatever caused your separation. Barring circumstances of abuse do not stand in your ex's or your children's way of spending time together. While it may make the adult miserable in the moment, do not forget that it will also make the child/ren miserable as well.

If, or when, you are facing a custody hearing, it is important to remember that one of the things courts look at when examining custody cases includes (but is not limited to) the willingness of each parent to support and facilitate the children's ongoing relationship with the other parent. This matters to the court because they want to know that neither of you will stand in the way of your children's relationship with your ex" (Wolf, 2019, para 3). Most courts want to see parents making the effort to effectively and civilly co-parent. If you are deliberately keeping the children from their other parent, it will likely not end well for you if the children's other parent were to take you to court. It does not benefit anyone, and in fact, it is harmful to your child/ren, so dont do it.

2. Children have the right to a relationship with their other parent, whether you do or not.

Our own anger at our ex can create an undertone of resentment when we try to talk to our children about why we are no longer with their other parent. Try to remember that children are not equipped to bear the burden of our problems with our ex and children should not be put in the middle of our conflicts. Avoid speaking poorly about your ex in front of the children, even if you do not think they are listening. Trust me, they are listening. Now, it is natural to want to vent about things that are going on with adult family or friends, and your ex may be the King or Queen of Douchebaggery, but your children do not see him/her that way, and that is the way it needs to stay. Save those conversations for when the children are not home and there is absolutely no risk they could overhear the conversation. Talking poorly about your ex will only further confuse them when they are already trying to cope with the significant changes in their lives, and potentially foster resentment toward you for speaking poorly about someone your children love.

3. Children have the right to love you both.

Even if you ex is the biggest jerk on the planet, in your opinion, do not plant your opinion in your childrens head. There are three reasons for this. First, your ex may not behave like a jerk toward your children, thus, telling them their other parent is a jerk will distort what they believe a jerk is. Second, if their other parent really is a jerk, unfortunately, that is a conclusion the children will need to come to on their own. Finally, their other parent is the only other parent they have besides you. Do not try to damage that relationship by influencing how they see their only mom or dad. Even if you remarry, there will only be one other person who knows them like their other parent, and childrens love for their other parent should be nurtured. Children have the right to love both of their parents, and you have the responsibility to give them the space to do that – no matter how much you dislike their other parent.

4. Children deserve for both parents to be happy.

Now, I know full well that when we feel we have been wronged we have difficulty wanting our ex to do well financially or emotionally. When we are hurting, there is part of us that may want our ex to suffer the way we are. However, its important to consider how our exs suffering affects our children. If our ex has no way to pay for their own basic necessities, that will ultimately affect their ability and the quality of care they provide for our children when they visit. If our ex is suffering emotionally when our children visit, it will impact their other parents mood and behavior, which will ultimately affect our childrens experiences when visiting their other parent. No, this is not an opportunity to show your children how much better things are at your home than their other parents. You should want your ex to do well because it improves your children's experiences and relationship with their other parent, which influences the quality of your children's lives. Your ex's suffering should be sad to you because your children are paying attention to what you model for them in how to treat other people -- regardless of your opinion of them. You may not like what they have done in the relationship, but they are still a human being. More importantly, they are still someone your children love.

5. Children are not to be used as spies.

Do not ask your children about their other parent in the hopes of obtaining some juicy detail you can use to your advantage. Barring situations in which your ex puts your children in danger, who your ex is dating and what they are doing with their time is no longer your concern. Youre separated, remember? Asking your children questions beyond, did you have fun with your mom/dad, such as whether their other parent is dating anyone, or any other questions you would not want their other parent to ask about you, is an invasion of your exs privacy and puts your children in an impossibly awkward position. It is important to note, however, that if your child tells you about something that raises concerns about their safety and wellbeing while they are with their other parent, then yes, you need to ask more questions about what they are reporting. Otherwise, and assuming nothing nefarious is going on, allow your children to enjoy their time with their other parent without having to worry about what you will ask them when they return to you.

For more information, please review: Robert Emery's Children's Bill of Rights in Divorce

References:

Emery, R. E. (2010). Children's bill of rights in divorce. Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorced-children/201009/childrens-bill-rights-in-divorce

Wolf, J. (2019). Factors used to determine custody of children. Verywell Family. Retrieved from https://www.verywellfamily.com/factors-that-determine-child-custody-2997640