Understanding My Feelings

I feel like i’ve talked about this so much that i’m questioning this post, but I haven’t made progress so here I go.

Dated my ex on and off for 4 years. We got back together 2020 and dated for another year. I found out he cheated when we were previously together. He says it was during our “off” moments but he kept in contact with her even after it supposedly happened. I was extremely hurt because although their friendship caused problems in our relationship, I didn’t think he would physically cheat. Anyways, I couldn’t look at him the same and it affected my relationship. We broke up a little less than a year later. We kept in contact for 4 months after. He decided to end things officially bc he saw me messaging a guy, but keep in mind he was doing the same. I held a lot of anger towards him after and we didn’t speak. I messaged him for his birthday. Everything was cool. I can’t remember exactly who or when the next person sent the next message but we began talking on and off. If I’m being honest I might have been the person messaging him. We hung out a couple times but he acted like we were dating and I simply reciprocated. It felt so right, but I couldn’t help but keep in the back of my head what had happened. I messaged him this month to hang out bc I saw a tik tok but I was secretly hoping he would agree to hang out. He ended up saying no. He wanted to move forward and I still haven’t moved on from

what happened if we got back together, so we would

only repeat a cycle. I understood completely.

A couple days later im trying to understand how i’m feeling. I’m waking up anxious. I’ve cried. It’s only been a couple days but why is it that I was doing fine when we weren’t together and not speaking vs now. Is it bc I know it’s really

over this time? Is there some other underlying issue? I don’t have friends who I can speak to about this so I just hope

someone can help me understand my feelings.