There goes the last of my trust

We'd been together for 3 years but I've known her for over half my life (15+ years)

She was like my sis and I was her bro. We could talk about things that you normally couldn't. We had massive amount of trust for each other. Even when we hadn't talked in 2 years - we got right back to where we'd left off.

Fast forward to when we reconnected and i said it must remain platonic friendship as i had trust issues and maybe I want ready to love. Scared of heartbreak. 2 weeks later i felt so much of a strong connection that it happened naturally.. i couldnt believe it! We just got each other and life went awesome - i was basically her kids father figure and have never been so proud of myself. Ialways wanted to adopt. I was content but always willing to further and better all of our lives. I loved hard. We laughed heartily.

Fast forward to this September..

I was in between jobs for 2 weeks.. after leaving an awesome job because of carpal tunnel. That shot my nerves and I ended up shelling inside myself.. i was in a rut. I'm not used to that feeling at all. First time in relationship I didn't want to open up.

I had a bad morning and we had a small argument in the kitchen which quickly and for no good reason ended up heated. I said maybe I should go and she agreed.

I sent message less than an hour later to explain its my fault not hers (it's in the middle i know but im comforting her fragile emotions at this time) and she says she needs time.

I say we still should communicate how we both feel.. even if its just for closure.. but its a no. Now we don't talk unless I message asking for my sentimental things out her house but she never brings them when she says she will. I don't think she wants to see me at all. But she says she'll always have feelings for me and I believe this. I'll always for her.

Been over 3 weeks now since we split. I kinda seen it coming for a while before it happened.. feel like theres nothing I could do about it. I tried in many ways and I think that's why I started getting anxious and irritated in the morning. I didn't feel valued.. pretty much ignored.. lost. Numb.

Im guessing theres basically no chance trying to rekindle this relationship if we cant work out the root of the problem and we're not going to talk? I feel under the back burner rn. I know she's still clubbing. I started hitting the pub to talk. Once my Job situation is sorted I'll hit the gym instead XD

Should I give her more space.. Or show i still care? Or give her the ultimatum of 'if we can't speak now then we shouldn't speak again'?

I feel like abandoning my stuff even my fish I can't go back round there.

I don't think I'll want to be near her if this silence keeps up. Ghosted in street other day. My rut may well become a canyon. I've gave everything up one too many times and this may stop me trusting for a looong time.. if ever again. So much for honesty and trust.. it always seems to come back to power and control - that's where my mind is right now.

Apologies this is all rushed. Peace and love :)