The Past Haunts Me..
At 19 I was raped and told it was my fault.
At 21 I fell in love with someone, and at 26 he dumped me while I was having a nervous breakdown, and started dating one of my closest friends.
At 26I started dating someone else, and 6 months later moved 8 hours away to start fresh. When I was 29 he lied to me and dumped me for yet another close friend.
I spent time on my own, healing and just learning to be happy. I lost 100lbs, did Zumba and loved music.I was skeptical of love, but was getting lonely. Then at 31 I found someone. I took it slow, and didn't trust easily, he had to work for it. After a year, I decided it was ok to move in with him and his kids, after introducing him to all my friends and family to see if maybe if I was blinded, maybe they'd see something. And, nothing. They thought he was a great guy.
December 25th, 2013, I found out from his mother that he was with someone else. He lied to her telling her I moved back to the town where my job was. The whole year I was living with him and his kids, he was lying. He manipulated me emotionally, stole all my money to woo his new gf ( I found out later, wife - even his mother didn't know that part). He lied about having a job (any job), gained access to accounts by calling places pretending to be me (no idea how that worked either), and lied to people about me. I almost lost my car, I was homeless, bankrupt, and emotionally.. a mess. If it weren't for my family and friends, I'd probably not be here typing this. I felt like a lost, lonely, failure of life.
It's 1.5 years later and I had done really well. Kept my job and excelled at my job even though all of the fallout of that mess. Finished my bankruptcy, and I'm working on me. I learned a lot from that experience, a LOT. I also gained trust issues and I'm scared of relationships and on some level men - or maybe it just rekindled that fear, I'm not sure.
Almost 2 months ago, I was feeling awesome. Happy, bubbly, worry free. Full control of my bills and finances and my own happiness. Did yoga, meditated and was making progress - was just struggling with weight issues, and winning for a change, so that was great, but that's another story.
Then I got a call from a collections agency. Whoa. Stop the bus. I shouldn't be getting a call from any collections agencies, that's the purpose of that bankruptcy!
Turns out my recent ex, signed up for a power bill in my name - sort of. Used part of my name and part of my birthday and made this whole new person, and gave them my work number. Because I had lived with him for 11 months -I had to come good for the money owing. Thankfully, because of the timeframe, it was able to be rolled into the bankruptcy.
But the damage was done.
I'm anxious now a lot of the time, I'm working very hard to keep away depression, some days I just want to stay in bed all day and either not eat anything, or eat everything. I've gained the weight back, andeven more weight in the last two months, and I'm scared.
I'm scared I'll be haunted by him forever. I want to move forward, focus on the good and succeed. But after that event 2 months ago.. everything reminds me of him. Everything.
I need to figure out how to be free of him, I don't want to feel the pain of missing his kids who called me Mom, I don't want to feel how worthless he made me feel, I don't want to feel afraid of him controlling my life even after he's been gone so long.
I need to get rid of the past, and I'm not sure how to anymore, and I'm scared. I don't want to be mad at myself for that fiasco forever, and I don't want to be stuck in this fat body forever, or alone. And, I'm scared that's what awaits me.
Hello,
First, let me just say that you are so brave for undergoing so much trauma and pain throughout your life and still coming here to share that with us. It takes courage to address how you are feeling and open that up to the world, so thank you for being here.
The past is a difficult thing to get rid of, most of us here are haunted by some decisions and actions from our histories. The memories of painful incidents can bring a lot of emotions to the surface, and that's usually detrimental to us when we want to move forward. Healing is a process, it's not something we can force or try to create. Healing means taking little steps every day to validate your thoughts and feelings. Healing means opening up your mind to new experiences. Healing sometimes means trusting blindly, healing sometimes means guarding your trust. You have to experiment to heal if you think you cannot wait as long as it will take naturally.
You should also try forgiveness. That includes both you and the people who have hurt you. Forgiveness is what sets us free, and it's incredibly difficult to forgive those who have traumatized us, but we do it for ourselves, not for them.
Many bad things have happened to you and I'm very sorry for that, but I hope this journey is one that ends well. You are welcome to send a private message to me at any time if you'd like to talk.
From the start i was the middle child, i was also the one that was told that my dad was not my real dad. When I was just a child maybe 5 or 6 I watched my father physically abuse my mom and nana. My dad than started dating a lot of woman, I watched him do drugs and bring me places I shouldn't have been. That's when it happened. My own blood father prostituted me for money. He didn't care what they did to me or how they did it as long as he got the money. My father then also started raping my older sister and I. I watched my father beat, cheat and lie to all of the women he dated. Some of the women would be nice to my sister's and I and other werent. After years of moving all over the country never staying long enough for me to finish any friendships. My father also had me on ssi to get extra cash. At the time I was promised things if I failed the test so I did, some tests I really did fail. My father got tired of his ways and started having my sisters and I have sex with one another. I can't ever forget what happened to me, he is the reason I need all of my meds. The reason for me to have all of my mental illnesses. But he is the reason why i will not allow him to define my life by living scared or afraid. I am haunted of the things I have gone through every night when I go to sleep but I am a better person then he will ever be.
