Surviving Breakups

1. Have you ever been through a difficult breakup? What was it like?

I don't have a lot of experience with difficult breakups because I rarely feel romantic attraction to people. However, there was a time when I had a rather convoluted friendship-romantic-involvement-thing with a person close to me. I can't really call our breaking-off a "breakup" since we were never officially in a relationship, but it hurt all the same. It was hard to accept that my life now was not going to have her in it, and that I needed to move forward and face a future where she wasn't a factor.

2. What kinds of coping mechanisms can you use to deal with a hurtful breakup?

Most of the coping mechanisms I use are similar to those I use to deal with other bad feelings... journaling, writing, playing soothing games, drawing, ripping paper, taking hot baths, wrapping up in blankets, etc. I also think it's important to look at the past and learn to view the memories without feeling sour about them... to cherish the times gone by but accept there won't be more.

3. What are some markers we can use to identify unhealthy relationships?

I think fear is usually the biggest factor in unhealthy relationships. Sometimes the fear can be conscious whereas other times it's more pervasive... In an obviously abusive relationship, fear manifests in the terror that a partner will hurt the person. But sometimes fear can seem more trivial, like being scared to speak up because the partner will shut you down.

1. Have you ever been through a difficult breakup? What was it like?

Yes, I dated a boy from my freshman year of college all the way until my senior year (this year). So about three years. We had talked about marriage, kids, careers, the future, everything. He was my first love. I sacrificed so much for him and was completely smitten with him. We broke up because I caught him in a silly lie that exploded into something major and he actually ended up dumping me for being a "psycho girlfriend" but in reality, he was abusive and had been for a long time but I had not come to terms with it. I thought "oh, if I just do better, he won't do this to me anymore. If I give him more gifts, if I go see him more, etc. etc." I was totally in denial. It wasn't until he broke up with me that I was able to step back and see how unhealthy he was for me.

2. What kinds of coping mechanisms can you use to deal with a hurtful breakup?

I coped really poorly for a good month or so until I finally went to see a therapist about everything that had happened. She suggested writing letters that I would never actually have to give to him where I could express all my anger and hurt. I also journaled a good bit and went on walks whenever I felt really overwhelmed by emotions.

3. What are some markers we can use to identify unhealthy relationships?

For me, I noticed that the longer I stayed with him, the worse I felt about myself. His insults about my body or my personality began to become my reality. I began to see myself as someone who was only worth someone's time if I could please them. I didn't see relationships as equal anymore.

Why do break ups suck?
Nobody likes goodbyes. It's important to acknowledge that all relationships are meaningful to a degree. When we choose a romantic one (being more than sexual), we implicitly say to ourselves, "this person could possibly be someone I spend the rest of my life loving." Dating can just be a sexual relationship, whether exclusive or not. Romance is when we volunteer our whole self to another person, expecting them to do the same, and show each other who we truly are at our core. Naturally, this makes us feel vulnerable; that this person sees and judges our true self. This is why honest and open lines of communication are critical to relationships; no one wants to be judged for being something they aren't. So whether mistakes were made or things just didn't work out, it hurts to say goodbye to such a meaningful relationship. However, the most important thing after a break up, after the crying when life goes on, is to not let it affect our behavior negatively. A weak person let's their past experiences hold them back because of what other people (the next relationship) might do. A strong person makes the past experiences teach us about what we will do next time. Moving on, forward, and up is all we can do to be healthy again and start anew.