I want to leave, but guilt is holding me back....

I met my boyfriend about 4 years ago when I had moved to another state to "start over". Mind you, I pushed for this relationship and I got it! Boy did I ever. When I met (we'll call him J) J, I was more of a "party girl". I was 46, kids grown, finally let go of a 22 year old marriage that I had been out of for nearly 8 years, and was removing my self from a very stormy "I can't be alone" relationship with a man who drank more than most people drink water. I had decided one day to just pack up and go visit a friend (female) in another state for a week and to decide if it would be good to start a new life there. Well, after that week, I went back home, put all my belongings in storage, and off I went to start over. I did really well for about 2 months. I had gotten my own place within 30 days of starting my new adventure, had a new job and was well on my way to supporting myself, and living "my life" for a change.

I have to say that I am nurse for any of the remainder to make sense. For the first time in my life I felt completely free. Free to do what I wanted, free to do things I always wanted to do, and as life goes, when you are finally let out of the "prison" for the first time, well you go a little wild. I guess you can say I was having a major mid-life crisis. I found myself wanting to go out but afraid because I didn't know anyone in my new area. My friend, who help make it all possible, well she was married and I was single and I didnt want to cause her issues by always calling and have her hang out all the time. So I started using social dating sites to meet people. I very soon learned that as a single female, this was probably not my wisest choice. Long story short, I met J there. We became fast friends with benefits and where hanging out (mostly at my house). After a while I got to know some of his friends and then we all began hanging out together. J had told me in the beginning that he had chronic kidney disease and would need a transplant and that he wasnt looking for a relationship becuase he didntwant to bring someone into his life and not be there emotional for them. I told him I understood and agreed that I wasnt really looking anyone either.

Well let me tell you what happens when you suffer from depression and feel like you cant be alone. The minute you cross that line to intimacy, there is no coming back, or so was my way of thinking. Another long story short, I kept my feelings hid from J and we proceeded spending nights together. I began to wait for his call. I got excited when he wanted to see me and I always made myself available when he called. I was hoping that he would make the first move and want more than a friend with benefits. Not so. Ended up I quit the job I had, with nothing for a back up, so I got this crazy idea, and I mean crazy. Why not give the exotic dancer thing a try. I did, and I did this for over 2 months, only relizing later that I was only demeaning myself, and if I didnt already feel bad enough, this only made it worse. To top it all off, I applied for another nursing job, and with almost certianty, knew I had it. They even slipped me the hint that the job was mine and I would hear something within the week. I thought this was wonderful. I could get back to being proud of my job.

Well as life always seem to intervene, I was going to be disappointed yet again. While I was in the interview for the new job, I saw a guy that had been one of my customers at the exotic dance clubbed where I worked. I tried to politely nod as he recognized me, and wouldnt you know, he knew the ladies that I was interviewing with. Needless to say, I could never get in touch with the nurse manager I had the interview, so I can only imagine why I didnt get the job. So now, J comes to me and says, "how would you feel about having a roommate?" Well it was better than not having anything so I agreed. So now we just walked down the hall to each others rooms, instead of driving across town to have our "benefits". Then in a night of drunkedness (I was really boozing it up every night now) I told J I loved him. Well then it just kindaevolved from there to him sleeping in my room with me all the time.

I later found out that the real reason he ask me about being roommates was not for the reason he had originally told me. (thinking that helping me with the bills would take some of the stress off of me and would be easier for both of us) What had happened is that he was asked to move out of the townhouse he rented and needed a place to go. Let's just say that things have completely gone downhill since then, for me anyway. I dont think it really bothers him. I catch him constantly in "small white lies" not intended to hurt anyone, but then again, it kills the trust. And if you are like me and have trust issues anyway, well, that is not a good thing. So, here I am, moved back to the state I originally left (and swore to never return) for his transplant. My depression is 10-fold, my stress is thru the roof because I dont want to be here, dont want to be with anyone, miss my new life I had started, and now I am financially unable to do anything about it, due to him being on disability until the transplant and I am the main financial source of our home. You should also know that when I got ready to leave a couple of months ago, his mom reached out to me to see if I "would just live with him as a roommate until he got his transplant, he is really going to need the help". REALLY!? I sat and listen to "friend" after "friend" tell him why they couldnt be his roommate, and all of a sudden, I understood. He was a user, someone only in it for how it benefits him. But at the same time I felt guilty about walking out on someone who didnt seem to have anyone to get thru the transplant. So here I am, falling apart in ways I never thought possible. I have lost everything nice that I had worked for to start my new life and now I sleep on an "air mattress" in a 900 sq ft fishing shanty, and I am pure ashamed for anyone to see how I live now. I am so done....I just need to find my strength once again and do what is right for me. And this is only the last 4 years of my life, I am 50, and the other 37 sucked just as bad! Pretty screwed up dont ya think?