I need advice for relationship

I really need advice about my relationship. I feel so confused and don’t know what to do. I can’t ask my close friends or family because it would only make things more complicated…

I got back together with my ex-boyfriend. We originally dated for eight months, but for the first two months, we were in a long-distance relationship. Later, he came to my country and lived in my house for five months.

One day, he confessed that he had cheated on me while we were long distance. I was completely shocked because my previous ex also cheated on me, and I had shared that pain with him. He had always been supportive, so I felt deeply betrayed. I struggled with what to do, but since he confessed on his own, had done many good things for me, and still loved me, I decided to stay with him. But it was the hardest time in my life. Over time, I developed trust issues.

It was difficult to act the same as before. Deep down, I was hurt, and unconsciously, I became colder and more distant. Slowly, we drifted apart.

Then he started hiding his phone when I was near. I felt something was wrong, so I asked him about it. He admitted that he wanted to break up because he felt stressed by the responsibility of the relationship. He also told me that, while he still loved me, he had feelings for another girl.

So, we broke up and decided to stay friends. But the problem was that he still lived in my house. He had come on a tourist visa to see me, and this country was his dream place to live. I still had feelings for him and wanted him to have a good experience here, so I let him stay. Also, it wasn’t technically my house(it was my parents’), so we pretended to still be together in front of them. If they knew the truth, they wouldn’t have let him stay. I regret this decision, and I feel so guilty toward my parents.

During that time, I met someone else. He was kind, and we had a great time together. We weren’t in a relationship, but we went on dates, and I started to like him in a romantic way.

Then my ex told me he wanted to be with me again. He had also dated other people, and I had supported him since we were friends. But in the end, he realized that what he really wanted was me. At first, I was angry. After all, I had been doing my best to move on, and now he was saying this. So I rejected him for a month.

But he kept trying to change and become a better person for me. And the truth was, I still loved him. When I was with him, I could be myself. So, we had a deep conversation about why things didn’t work before and what we would need to do differently if we got back together. We both decided to try again, and now we are together.

However, I haven’t told my friends because they know he cheated on me and saw how much I suffered. When I once mentioned that I was thinking of getting back with him, they were furious.

On the other hand, my parents think he’s amazing because they never knew we broke up or that he cheated.

So my friends only know his bad side, and my parents only know his good side. And I still sometimes talk to the other guy I was dating before. Because we are still friends.  I don’t know what I want to do with all of this.

I feel like I’m trying my best to keep everything okay, but I’m lying to the people closest to me. I don’t like the person I am right now. I know my actions have been selfish, and I regret a lot of them.

I just don’t know what to do. I know I have to make a decision, but I feel so scared—whether it’s ending this relationship or continuing in this situation.

If anyone has any advice, I would really appreciate it. And I’m sorry for the long story. To anyone who read this, I hope you have a great day.