I'm really struggling this time...

Me (33 F) and now-ex-BF (50 M) had not really been close friends but knew each other for years before getting together (we were never single at the same time until when we ended up getting together). Together for 5 years, we were going on 6 this year (May if you count when we first started hooking up, October if you count when we were "officially" a couple). We lived together part-time. I'm really close with my mom so I would usually spend a couple of days a week at my parent's house, but I had my own room/space at his house. Even though we slept in separate rooms usually, our sex life was great. We had sex frequently and it was good, we were super comfortable with each other. Things weren't always perfect -- we would argue about stuff like his drinking and my anxiety/insecurity getting the better of me -- but overall, when that stuff wasn't coming up, we were really happy and comfortable. We really enjoyed traveling together and when we were at home, watching movies and binging TV shows together, or just doing our own thing but being in the same space. I'm super introverted, so being comfortable with someone like that and not having it drain my social battery at all is a big deal, and I'm absolutely hating the idea of having to get to that point again with a new person.

New Years Eve weekend was pretty stressful. He owns a bar and I worked there. He has a problematic relationship with drinking which he sometimes acknowledges and sometimes does not. The last two years, we took this holiday off and had a lovely night at home, but this year an event was scheduled at the bar and so we had to be there to work. He drank too much and it led to arguments. An employee ended up quitting because of how he mean was acting while he was drunk. We argued about all this but made up the next day. We had a vacation planned this week, which I was looking forward to getting away after the stressful holiday season. Because of the employee quitting, though, I guess things got busy at work and he didn’t feel like he could get away anymore, so he canceled the trip. He did this without telling me he was even thinking about it, I just woke up to a text letting me know it had happened. I had payed him for half of the hotel expense so I was extra upset that I had not been consulted. I called him, we talked for a few minutes, and then he ended the call while I was in the middle of panicking and being upset about the trip being canceled.

I should have just tried to calm down and talk about it later, but I was very upset so I went to try to talk to him. He was at work (outside of business hours, so nothing time sensitive, but I still probably should have respected that) and did not want to talk. I was crying and he didn’t want to deal with it so he was trying to push me out the door. I did not want to be pushed out the door so I resisted, and in the struggle, the door bounced back and chipped his tooth. He was understandably upset about this, and I felt very bad, but he absolutely did not want to hear from me after that. I left. I tried calling and texting to apologize, but he blocked my number. After a day of not speaking, I came to try to talk in person again. He said we were done and that he would get me my stuff from his house. He refused to let me go get my things myself either with him at home or when he was away.

We had one other argument previously where he was not speaking to me, and when he did, it was to say we were done and he would get me my stuff, and refused to let me go get it myself. And then a few days later he acted like nothing ever happened. I guess either he didn’t mean it and just thought that was an appropriate way to ask for some space, or he changed his mind. I have some hope that that is what is going on this time, but I don’t know. Some things are different, some things are the same, so it’s hard to tell if it’s really a pattern and I should be hopeful or not. I offered that if this was what he really wanted, I could get a police escort to come with me to pack up my own things so he wouldn’t have to worry about me starting an argument or trashing the house or anything, and he did not respond — I can’t be sure whether he got the message or not, though.

So now I’m in limbo and miserable. He was just talking about wanting to drink less and now he’s been out late every night this week. I’ve been told he hasn’t done anything with anyone or even really been talking to girls, so idk what to think about that. If we really are done I don’t really know what to do with myself. I don’t have a lot of close friends. I’m out of a job. Intimacy, love, comfort. So many things we shared together, now they remind me of him so they make me sad. I’m lost.