I’m at a loss!
My husband and I have been together on and off for 8 years, married for almost 6 months now. Things have been EXTREMELY stressful lately and it has put a strain on our relationship more than there already was. He cheated on me once about 3 years ago, and since being back together he always turns to porn or Snapchat behind my back when we start to argue. I made the common mistake of tightening my hold in an attempt to make things work and instead it made him feel like a child and that I thought less of him as a person which continued the vicious cycle.
I discovered he spent almost $200 in 2 weeks on subscriptions and would make a new Snapchat every time I’d find one and ask it be deleted. I began to think there was another woman he was consistently and seriously talking to, but he insists there isn’t and I have no proof one way or another. Again, my hold tightened and he said he was done and “didn’t have any fight left in him” to make things work between us.
As stupid as it sounds, I’m devastated. Simply because I love him enough to continue working through our problems and getting help and everything, and to not see that same want in return hurts. We finally discussed things and decided to give it all we’ve got on this last try. My anxiety is ridiculous, so I’m mentally freaking out praying that he doesn’t make another account and keeps his word to talk to me when he has the urge to do so that way we can get to the deeper problem. I agreed to let him know when my anxiety was really up there and why instead of saying a sarcastic comment or accusatory statement like I normally do.
so far it seems he may be refraining from doing so but I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to get a divorce and start over, but I almost feel like his mind is made up to leave and get divorced, he’s only doing what he has to in order to make the time it takes get on his feet easier. Please help!
@friendlyTriangle8092
I'm sorry that things have been so stressful. 💜
If I'm understanding, whenever there is an argument, he has a habit of turning to Snapchat and creating subscriptions. You really don't like this and have asked him repeatedly to stop doing it. Whenever you ask him to delete it though, he'll create a new one. You'll try to get him to change what he's doing, but he'll resist and try to sneakily do things behind your back. He eventually felt tired of this and said he wanted to divorce, which really hurt you to see him giving up so quickly when you were willing to try to work on things. After some discussion, you're back together and both trying to make some changes, but you're not sure how long it will last or whether he's already given up and is just going through the motions of pretending to fix things in order to create a buffer to emotionally prepare himself for a divorce. I can imagine it's scary not knowing whether things are going to work out and maybe not being optimistic given his past track record.
I like the things that you've mentioned where you are trying to be gentler in your communication and make it as easy as possible for the two of you to sit down together and discuss things when he feels urges. It fits with something I've seen in a lot of general relationship advice out there, which is to try to approach conflicts as a collaborative problem-solving effort where the two of you are working together to try to find a solution that works for both of you and respects each of your needs/feelings. I hope he's able to successfully restrain the Snapchat habit, trust in you when he's feeling urges, and respect your expectations for the relationship.