I feel so stupid.

I never thought it would hurt this badly.

I've been emotionally and sexually abused by another ex-partner in the past, but this break-up feels like the world is ending. There is a void in my soul. I just found out I've been self-harming in my sleep. I authentically loved this guy and was with him for two and a half years. We broke up once in March for four days. He cited his reasons as having commitment issues and being unsure about his life. He came back and said he was an idiot.

We dated again for about a month. During that time he kept expressing doubts over and over again if it would work out or not. I got very angry that he kept expressing doubts. That night he went on a dating app. We broke it off the following day. I immediately came here to seek out advice. One of the pieces of advice I got was to wait a while. Also, see once covid restrictions lifted if we could hang out in person to repair the relationship or just start new. I have been waiting for close to two months now. Only for his new girlfriend to post something on his Facebook page and for me to find out he had moved on through there. He had messaged the Wednesday night prior keeping me updated about his life. Which he needs major surgery soon. He said we could maybe hang out soon when I asked.

His new girlfriend is from the Phillippines and it appears he gave her the blessing of commitment. It makes me so upset, why does this girl get all that I was barred from? What makes her so special? He has never even met her! All she can do to maintain their relationship is post "inspirational" quotes to his Facebook page... I live 20 minutes away for the love of all that is good and green! 20 minutes! I spent my college years with him! We've been through so much and there she enters.

On a side note, the post that I had found out through had been removed by him. She pushed the issue of commitment in that post and it appears he did not want that on his page. She posted another love quote thing with a few sad faces. Almost like asking someone to forgive them for wrongdoing and she reminded him that she "loved" him. I'm waiting to see if he will remove it too. So it is possible I do not know the entire story and what kind of circumstances they are in. It is also possible she is trying to unsuccessfully manipulate him into something. He also hates it when his family has knowledge about his love life and when anything is posted on his profile. If that is the case I don't see both of them lasting past a few days. Given she has ignored this twice. I have been tempted to comment and ask her why she is so special? What makes her think she can change the commitment issues of a guy when his 2 and a half year ex could not?

But I feel so stupid. I feel like I have an inability to move on. I feel stuck because there might be a chance she gets dumped and I want my position back. But do I want my position back? Is this worth it? I am self-harming in my sleep! I have broken blood vessels all over my arms and bruises. I feel like throwing up every ten minutes right now. I don't want to sustain myself. I really want to binge drink, and after all the progress I just made on my mental health too.

I feel scared to move on. Like I will never find someone who was as good as him. I'm scared and terrified of strangers. I'm scared of social situations. I enjoyed his company and felt so happy with him prior to everything. I feel like I won't find it again. I'm scared to move on in the event my spot is freed. But it's such torture (and equally comical watching this girl fail. But I know I should not take pleasure in it. It is a low-life thing of myself to do when I am in such a low position already.) going back and forth all of the time.

I know I should leave and settle the issue for good. That would be the smart thing to do. But I feel if I don't wait a little while longer I will end up regretting just getting up and leaving. Not just waiting out the inevitable failed relationship between mrs. inspirational quote and himself.

I so far plan to keep my mouth shut for the next week. Because I did get snippy when I asked him about the girl I will apologize for being potentially nasty and offer him assistance if he needs anything for his surgery, I'll see exactly what is going on if she disappears by then. If not well I guess I'll keep my mouth shut and try to come to more acceptance and attempt to find closure.

I have tried to find anyone else who has experienced this but to no avail, there seems to be no one.

Any advice? I could use lots I am so conflicted.