Hurts that he seems to be ok
Back story summed up concisely: I was struggling with depression for about 6 months and then I had three separate family deaths over the span of 5 weeks. It was at the same time as the holidays and I think that made their absences that much more painful. Boyfriend was acting incredibly supportive and I asked him to join my family for the holidays. Despite us dating for 3 years, this would have been the first time I did that because my family is so traditional and no one can come unless they are family or practiciallly family. He came to my family christmas celebration, he also came to my work christmas party. He plays a big role in supporting me through the holidays and through this difficult time. Fast forward to a week later. On New Years Eve, he says he needs space. He says he's unhappy because I am not as affectionate and I'm not as bubbly as I was before (before the depression, before the grief). I tell him that I'm going through a hard time. If he needs to leave when I need him then he can't come back. He leaves anyway. I am devestated with his decision and I regret the choice I put on him because instead of getting him to stay, I pushed him away.
He's right that I haven't been as affectionate or as happy but that feels out of my control. I was still trying to show him how important he was to me by bringing him around for the holidays. I thought I was proving my dedication to this relationship by introducing him to friends and coworkers at the holiday party. Now I feel like an idiot because the next time I saw most of those people, I had to admit that I was dumped by the person I had just introduced them to. I was just abandoned by the person I was talking up and telling everyone how strong he has been through this emotionally draining time for me.
Between January and now he has reached out a few times. He wanted to get back together but my trust was broken and as much as I miss him and love him, I can no longer see how I can rebuild a relationship with someone when I will always be thinking about how he left me when I couldn't handle losing another person. I don't think I can build trust with someone who abandoned me at my most vulnerable. So as hard as it was to hear him say goodbye to me, it hurt me so much more to have to say it to him. It hurt so much more to know that I wanted him and he wanted me but what we wanted wasn't realistic or attainable.
I thought I was making progress with the heartbreak but valentines day brought up a lot of feelings I thought I had moved passed. Tomorrow is the anniversary of when we were first paired on a dating site. And thanks to him, I have the dates memorized for a lot of small milestones in the relationship that most people don't celebrate but he loved to: the date we exchanged contact info, date we had our first phone call, date of our first date, date of our first kiss, and finally date of when he officially asked to be my partner. All spanning over the course of tomorrow to the beginning of april. I think I'll be stuck feeling this way until the last anniversary is behind me.
Today he messaged me out of nowhere. When I restarted my phone, I guess one of my old texts that were stuck in limbo (still said sending but was never sent) finally went through. He responded with "That's funny"; obviously knowing that it was an old message. I didn't mean to contact him, he didn't need to respond but the way he chose to do it irked me. "That's funny" as if we're old friends reconnecting rather than recent exs still hurting. As if he wasn't just begging me a couple weeks ago to get back together and I wasn't just crying over the holiday weekend missing him. If the roles were reversed it would have hurt to see a message from him. It would hurt to read something sent to me from a time when we were still together. But it didn't hurt him, to him it was "funny".
I shouldn't have done it. I know I shouldn't have. But I looked up his social media profile. I hadn't looked at since we first broke up and the pain was brand new. I don't know why the text message made me go to social media but it did. When I clicked on his profile, he had a new profile picture. He was standing in california adventure making a silly face and sporting a big smile. A new wave of sadness washed over me. He looked so happy. Happier than I had seen him in a long time. He looked happier there than he had in any of the recent pictures he had taken with me months leading up to the separation. He looked like he had healed completely. The picture was new. Posted just this week, the same time I was still crying over him.
Accompanying the sadness is anger. I feel like this breakup hurt so much more when he asked if we could get back together. He added so much doubt and confusion and so much added pain to a situation that already had those things. Maybe I would be in a more stable place if he hadn't reached out. Maybe I wouldn't have spent last weekend missing him so much. Maybe I wouldn't STILL be thinking about how I can make this work: how I can overcome the trust issue or how we can grow from this event. All the while he seems happier with me gone. He has come out the other side and is fine. He is at a point where hearing from me is "funny". He probably doesn't see the irony in going to california adventures when he had claimed that was going to be my birthday present (not my last birthday but the year before) but he never followed through because of money.
I don't really have a question. I am just so angry and sad and I wanted to vent.
I find it really hard that my ex is so fine I want him to be happy , hes the father of my children , but he is always going away , attending gigs loads of fun things. He wouldnt do anything fun when we were together as always claimed we couldnt afford it. Its hard not to resent him at the moment. A x
So basically you forgot how supportive he was in the past, and all you care about is for him to not be happy, just so that you can be happy with the fact that he's not. Because if he is, that hurts you. I don't know if you realize what selfish means. You should look it up.
He's done his part in being supportive in the past, up to a point where he couldn't handle it anymore, because you're not offering anything back. You're just waiting for him to do all the work and be supportive. Have you ever thought that he also needs something from this relationship, that you're not delivering? It's obvious that someone is gonna bail out, in that situation. He's not your little puppy, he's a human being, and he also needs to have his needs met.
So I think you should apologize to him, because for someone that's been supportive to you in the past, he doesn't deserve now for you to wish him moments of unhappiness, just so that you can feel a little bit above him. That's just wrong.
@versatileOak4049 I'm sorry that you feel that way towards me and my original post. I think there might have been a misunderstanding beween what I was trying to convey and how you interpretted it. I don't want to pry (so ignore me if you don't want to answer) but were you in a similar situation with a previous relationship? It seems like you are really indentifying with my ex that I mentioned. I'm sorry if you have been in a type of relationship where you were providing more than you were recieving. That isn't a partnership and I can understand why you would be frustrated.
I haven't forgotten how supportive my ex was in the past. He did many kind things for me when we were together just as I had helped him through rough times he was going through. I would say the difference is that I have never given up on him or our relationship during those stretches of time where he was struggling. I would carry more weight to lighten his burden and I would try to be a consistent form of support for him. Yes, my ex was able to be there when I wanted to cry about losing my grandmother. He was there a few times when I had an anxiety attack and he managed to calm me down. One of the reasons I loved him was that he could remain calm in the face of one of those types disasters. However he couldn't be a consistent support to me like I was able to be for him. He was good in a disaster but after I was grieving for over a month he was tired. He couldn't behave in a way that I would (and I imagine many would) expect a life partner to behave. I don't think that makes me selfish but if you do, we can agree to disagree.
I simply believe that if I can support you while you grieve, you should be able to reciprocate and support me for the same duration. He shouldn't have rushed me and expected me to be better after such a short time because he didn't like the lack of affection or my loss of bubbly-ness.
You're probably right. I wasn't matching him in what was being put in the relationship towards the end. As I mentioned I was struggling with depression and grief. I did as much as I could but I was in a sensitive moment where I needed him to support me a little more. Carry a little more weight like I have done for him in the past.
I never thought of him as a puppy. I thought of him as my rock. I asked him to help me stay grounded during such a confusing time and I felt lost. That didn't make him my puppy. He was always a partner in my eyes.
Again, I want to reiterate that if you were in a situation where you felt you were taken advantage of, I'm truly sorry. That must have been terrible and you didn't deserve it. I wouldn't describe my previous relationship that way. And I don't think he would have described our relationship that way. For that reason, I don't think I need to apologize to him. I couldn't control that I was suffering for depression (I was getting help, I was trying new medications to combat it) and I couldn't control the grief (my grandmother had JUST died and I need time to mourn that loss). I was in a position where I had to simply accept what was thrown to me rather than control the events around me; our break up included.
I'm not angry that he is happy. I would hope that he would find happiness someday. I was just upset that he was happy so soon after he broke up with me. I am annoyed that there seems to be a mixmatch on how much we meant to the other person. I love him so much and I that's why this has been so difficult. But he obviously didn't have that same level of love towards me otherwise he wouldn't have recovered after only two weeks. I don't want to feel above him. I even think I would be ok if he recovered faster than me in general. It was only the shortened amount of time and the fact that he instigated the separation at the time that he chose to do it.
I hope I did a better job explaining myself this second time around. I hope that you can see where I am coming from. There is no pressure but if you would like to share your story, I am here to listen and empathize. It's the least I could do after you took the time to read, not only one, but two long posts from me.
@versatileOak4049 I had to rush away earlier so I didn't get a chance to mention one last thought in my reply.
I noticed that you are new to 7 cups and I would like to welcome you to the site. I hope you find the support that you are looking for through connecting with listeners and communicating in the forums. (Again I'm here if you would like to talk but I understand if you decide I'm not who you want to speak with)
As a new member, I think its important that you are aware of the community guideline (https://www.7cups.com/about/communityGuidelines.php). Not just you specifically, I think we should all be made aware of these guidelines when we first join. I mention this because it is expected that we show each other respect and kindness in our posts and replies. I understand if my post triggered some insecurities or if you simply misinterpreted what I was attempting to say. But your reply had many hurtful comments that I think were unfair.
I, like many people on this site, reached out to the community because I am struggling mentally. When people reach out looking for advice or empathy, it isn't helpful to read hurtful comments that attack them instead. You don't have to agree with my post or like me, but I would appreciate it if you told me in a that wasn't as insulting as you did. Much like how I refuted you reply. I'm thankful to you for letting me know that my message could be misinterpretted. If you said simply that, it would have been constructive criticism. If you simply asked if I have looked at the situation from my ex's point of view, I would thank you for suggesting the thought exercise (and then I would probably mention that I already have). There are many prefered ways to express your concerns to my post in a civil way.
I don't want it to seem like I am attacking you in return. You are new here and you don't have much experience on the site's forum. I understand that you are learning and I simply wanted to point this out to you for future reference. I again hope you get the support you are looking for. Maybe we'll chat again on another thread. I look to seeing you around the site.
@SecretlyMe
I forgot my logins to the other account so I had to make a new one, to reply to you, because there's something at least 'suspect' if not more, in the manner in which you replied.
First of all this is not about me, but about you and your post, and I haven't had an issue in which 'I gave more than I received', or being taken advantage of, as you tend to assume, and it seems that you try to hide behind that assumption and 'the guidelines', when someone doesn't validate what you're looking for, which is people to agree with you and your lack of fairness. Your post is called "Hurts that he seems to be ok", and then you go and elaborate why it hurts that he seems to be okay. If it hurts you that someone seems to be okay, by common sense, it would delight you if he would not be okay. Simple as that. Now you do the math and go figure what does it mean when someone would be delighted if another person would not be okay. My statement about your selfishness still stands, and I won't withdraw it.
Secondly, being kind is not what you describe there. Being kind is not offering a false amount of sympathy towards a person that is obviously expecting people's sympathy in an issue like this. Your demand for kindness is actually manipulation, because what you mean by kidness is actually validation. And when someone doesn't validate you, you try to act as if you're a victim, and then jump right behind your little guidelines, to get some cover. I don't know if you're aware of this, but selfish and manipulative in a subtle way, is what you're acting as, regardless if you're conscious about or not. I do not associate myself with such petty tactics, because I don't need it. I will tell you exactly where you're mistaken in situation, based on what you describe, because I value fairness and honesty, and I couldn't care less about pampering someone.
Now going back to your relationship, because you elaborated more in your 2 replies, I can just tell you that a relationship isn't made for 'support'. Your partner, is true, should be a support for you when you go through difficult times. But, you have to keep in mind, that difficult times shouldn't be the standard that define either life or the relationship. The relationship is made to be an enjoyment for your partner, and he should be an enjoyment for you. When you let yourself dragged down, into the hardships of life, and all your relationship becomes just a struggle for support over long periods of time, this is what happens. It ends. And it also ends because you put too much pressure on this partner to be your support. He doesn't need to pamper you. That's not why he's there for. His support is optional, and not something to be demanded. When you demand support, and on top of that you let yourself dragged down, and you turn your relationship into this struggle against the life's hardships, it becomes boring for a partner, it becomes unexciting. And it always ends.
A relationship is about passion, is about desire. Life is about encountering it's hardships, and dealing with them, not lending them to you partner. If you want to have a fulfilled life and relationship, respect these two 'guidelines', and everything else will fall in place without much effort.
Hello @limeLychee9289 I'm sorry that you couldn't recover your password. That must have been frustrating to have to start over on the site. I hope that wasn't too much of an inconvenience for you. I know that if it happened to me right now I would be saddened to have temporarily lost the contacts I have on this account. It would be exasperating to reconnect with my listener friends and resubscribe to communities and threads that I am a part of now under a new name. I hope it is all sorted out for you now.
You're right, I shouldn't have assumed you related to my post. You seemed so passionate and I jumped to conclusions. But I shouldn't have. I'm sorry for falsely reading your intentions (or attempting to predict your intentions instead of simply asking you). I hope I didn't cause you any harm in doing so. I will be careful to not make assumptions when I speak to other 7 cups members in the future. Thank you for showing me that I was doing something wrong.
However, even though it was wrong of me to assume, I don't think I am hiding behind anything. I have tried to be incredibly open about my situation, my emotions, and my recovery. Again, I'm sorry if you think I am being "suspect" or if I come across as ingenuine. I have been doing a lot of work in regard to opening up to others so it's still a bit of a foriegn action to me.
I also didn't mean to hide behind the community guidelines. Like I said I am new to voicing my thoughts to others and my thoughts to your post was that it was unnecessarily harsh. So perhaps I haven't found the proper way to voice those thoughts in a way so it doesn't seem like I am hiding. I really just wanted to tell you that it was painful to read your comment not because you disagree with me but because you included so many insults directed to me as a person. I have been working on my depression for a while and for that reason, I think I am in a position to read those comments and not allow your words to send me back to the deep end. But as I mentioned, many people on this site are not at that point yet. Therefore we all as a community need to be mindful of how we express ourselves on the forum. That was the only reason I thought it was important for me to bring it up. And its the only reason I feel the need to bring it up again now; because its so important that you keep this in mind when speaking to others.
And I don't need you to validate my feelings. As I mentioned in my original post, I didn't have a question and I was simply looking to vent. To be honest I wasn't expecting this thread to receive any comments but I didn't turn away the people that were kind enough to leave a few kind words of encouragement. I have posted threads in the past where I was specifically looking for feedback on my actions and I listened to both sides carefully. I didn't argue with people who suggested I should have done x, y, or z differently because they were all able to say it to me in a kind and civil way. I am here to improve upon myself and the best way to do that is to listen to advice given to me by others that have dealt with this before.
I won't ask you to withdraw your statement of selfishness. You are entitled to your opinion and I originally thought the opinion was based on a misunderstanding in my original post. However you were kind enough to read two of my long posts and your opinion is unwavering so that is fair. As I mentioned before we can simply agree to disagree. We have different beliefs about relationships and that's ok. I hope you find (or you have found) the type of relationship that you are looking for and I hope I can one day find a partner who I will be happy with someday.
Thank you for replying once again. I know you went to a lot of trouble of making another account and then looking up this thread. And I thank you for being kinder in this reply. I appreciate you expressing your thoughts and opinions in a way that didn't involve hurling insults. I'm sorry that we couldn't reach an agreement but not everyone on 7 cups need to agree. I'm just glad I had the opportunity to speak to you about how I feel and you had the opportunity to voice how you feel.
@SecretlyMe
Hello, I just read the last 2 posts only. The first one had some awesome relationship advice, and the last one was so elequintly written. I saw the best out of both.
I got this out of readin both; Hard lessons must be learned and compassion must be present in any relationship. Both are 100% correct. We should be more kind when bring up a point. But it was fair, and your responce was wonderful. We are all different, and we all can have a different point of view and perceptions do change even when reality doesnt. We should all give eachother a free pass.
Blessings😊
@juliak1968 Thank you for saying that. I appreciate you taking time to read such long posts from each of us.
@SecretlyMe
Always! We all should care more!
Imagine what a wonderful world we would live in if everbody treated everybody nicer. Please don't let what they said slow you down ine single bit. You're entitled to express your hurt feelings. Im not one to hate, but i understand Im not happy seeing my x happy without me. Its a fair statement. You handled that like a really awesome kind intellegent, and compassionate pro!
Blessings
