Hurt

I met the most wonderful woman I have ever met. I loved all of her and I thought she loved all of me. We were having such a beautiful life until the pandemic slowed our momentum. We weren’t able to do all the things that made us happy as freely as we did. Things started to get a little bumpy when I started losing confidence in myself. I gained a little weight after having been in the best shape of my life. The gyms were closed, I live in Chicago so I wasn’t able to run outside because it’s too cold and I just needed to put my body through a break. I lost 100 pounds in a short amount of time... Eden (the love of my life) and I got into such a stupid argument on the Saturday before St. Patrick’s day. Everything was so great and in one moment it all changed so quickly. I started therapy because I honestly knew that I was dealing with so much stress... I lost my job, my bills piled up, rent and my loan, also a car and rent.... it’s just a lot of fucking stress on my shoulders and I’ve been trying so hard to handle it with grace and lately I haven’t been able to do so. I will not act like a saint and say that my self esteem wasn’t the issue because it was. But I was really working through life with all the cards stacked against me. She doesn’t believe in my potential anymore. I can see it. I can hear it when I last spoke with her. She lost hope in us and that hurts more than she’ll ever understand. I did EVERYTHING I could in my means and realm of being able to deliver as a partner. I just feel the “honeymoon phase” was too good for her to just be grateful for our normal life with each other which has been anything but normal because of COVID. I talked with her last night and she told me she was sorry about me having to deal with all of this. But it wasn’t just a sorry, it was an I’m sorry I can’t be there while you’re dealing with it... I’m hurt that she just didn’t have enough perseverance and patience for me to get myself out of this rut. I never lost hope in her. She lost it in me. I told her that I was sorry that she will miss out on the life I wanted to give to her because she just couldn’t wait a little longer for me to get my shit straight. She just couldn’t understand that there’s a world of issues going on and sticking by your lover’s side is a virtue not an excuse to run at the first sight of adversity. I truly just wanted to be loved. That’s all. It was all going to be better than it ever was in such a short amount of time. I’m about to start working with a great reputable company (Johnson & Johnson) as an Operation’s Manager. Covid is becoming less of an issue as vaccines are being given. Weather is about to get beautiful... there was so much potential in what we had but she will not even try to understand who it is she’s losing. She thinks that only she was the prize. I’m offended that she doesn’t think I’ll strive the way I will. That I will succeed the way I know I’m going to. I just feel so deeply hurt by someone I love so deeply.