He hit me

I ended the relationship because he physically hurt me during an argument. Although he once promised to protect me, that promise was broken in the most hurtful way, and I’m struggling to process it. It’s delved into my childhood and caused some wounds to reopen. It was the one thing I asked him not to do - to beat me. He wasn’t just my partner but also my best friend, so the loss feels overwhelming. I keep wanting to reach out, but I’m aware that these patterns of aggression often escalate. Even after he hurt me, he checked in to see if I was okay the next morning, and even immediately tried to console me and cuddle me, but I couldn’t bring myself to reply nor reciprocate. 

I feel a mix of fear and love. He admitted he didn’t recognise himself and agreed to let me go, yet said he’d always love me and couldn’t imagine himself with someone else. I’m torn because I used to see him as having such a good heart, but in hindsight, I notice signs of narcissism. He controlled so many aspects of my life—what I wore, where I went, and insisted I come home straight after work and then stay at home. He constantly needed to know where I am and would call me randomly to check where I am. I barely went out and when I did, it was awful I couldn’t even enjoy myself, I was made to feel guilty. The early days of our relationship were so beautiful and I don’t understand how I’m here now and how we’re the same people at this point. He said he’s never hit a woman before and I just don’t understand why he hit me over something so small. Even regarding intimacy, he didn’t care if he hurt me because he believed he owned me and could do whatever he wants so I beared it. 

I have lost so much weight in the relationship and I’ve become suicidal with heavy anxiety. I’ve entirely lost myself. I don’t feel happy anymore. I don’t feel like life is for me. I feel like if he can do this to me, anyone can. I don’t remember what a relationship should feel like and I can’t remember what normal is anymore. 

Looking back, I feel ashamed. I compromised so much of myself to please him, receiving only the bare minimum in return. Communication was poor; he often stonewalled and gaslit me, but I stayed, hoping we’d return to those “good old days.” His love became increasingly controlling and obsessive and absent, and I found myself trapped and needy, unable to walk away.

I hate myself, I still want to check on him, but I know reaching out isn’t safe. I feel betrayed, as though I didn’t see this coming. It’s hard to find the strength to move forward, and the pain feels unbearable. No one knows anything and I feel alone again. 

Sorry guys - I know this is a heavy one :(