Heavy Heart

My heart feels so heavy. I have dreams about him, think about him everyday and his family. He cheated on me, sometimes it clicks in my head and sometimes it doesn't make sense. I find out he never stopped calling me during all this time (almost 4 months) I don't know to believe him but he says he left the other girl because he realized that he still wants me and that doesn't make sense. Why did he leave me then? He's been trying to contact me, he has other people contacting me, but I don't want words through a dumb phone I want actions. I don't want to see him because I'm scared if I still feelings for him or don't (today would make 8 years) but then I do, something in me wants him to find me. I'm not healed and he is not healed and I know I can't be with him now because it's not fair. I think about working it out sometimes like getting professional help because I don't want to give up but I know I can't be the only one. Why did he destroy everything? Last year he was telling me "let's go to every wedding that we are invited to so we can see what to do and what not to do. You are going to be a beautiful mom." He convinces me to buy an RV because his plans was to get me out of my mom's house, get engaged and get married. But the time was getting really close and he leaves me, but takes some of my things with him? I feel so lost