He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
( I am 23F. My husband and I are both AD military)
About a year ago, I woke up to my boyfriend (my now husband) sexually assaulting me. He was touching me in my sleep. I confronted him about it the next day and was very aggravated. I told him that what he did was absolutely unacceptable. He justified this by saying that I was his girlfriend, so he should be able to do things like that without me getting upset. I never brought it up again after that day, and I don't *think* it has happened since then.
Fast forward to about March of this year. We got married in January. Our finances are separate. I found out that he had barely anything in his savings account, which concerned me, being his wife. I try to figure out where all of his money is going, and I find out in March that, for the entirety of our relationship, my husband has kept a secret porn addiction from me. He had been subscribing to females on OnlyFans, spending about $100 a month (a considerable amount of money in my opinion). This absolutely broke me. While we had talked about free porn sites (like Pornhub) being okay in our relationship when we were dating, we never discussed OnlyFans. In my opinion, this is a completely different ballpark to me. He was paying specific women of his choosing to see them naked and to interact with them, which is a deeper connection to me than just watching a free video.
I confronted him about it, and I cried. Like a lot.
He was embarrassed that I found out and felt guilty and almost cried as well. He told me that he had never told anyone this before, but he expressed that he has had a porn addiction for a long time. We had this sit-down heart-to-heart, and things were good for a while. But my brain keeps going back to it, and thinking that if he lied about this one thing, surely there is more he is lying to me about... I brought up my emotions to him another time, saying how, in my opinion, he cheated on me and I felt like we moved on pretty quickly from that conversation. He became irritated I brought it up again and told me to go to therapy because he didn't know how to help me "get over it".
I'm at the end of my rope... I still hold love for him, but I do not think I deserve the treatment he has put me through. It genuinely has contributed to depression, I believe. I have thought about divorce, but we have only been married for 7 months. I feel like I will look like a failure to my friends, family, and God. I am a Christian, and I feel that God will be angry with me if I divorce my husband. I also hate the idea of having to start all over... which I know is not a good enough reason to stay with him. However, I also think about how, down the road, I may regret not divorcing him (like, the behavior may come back later and I already have signs showing that he will do these things). Right now, it is just him and I and our two dogs. We don't own a house, we don't have kids, and our finances have always been separate.
I really need advice, because all of this haunts me on a daily basis.
Thank you for reading :) <3
