He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
( I am 23F. My husband and I are both AD military)
About a year ago, I woke up to my boyfriend (my now husband) sexually assaulting me. He was touching me in my sleep. I confronted him about it the next day and was very aggravated. I told him that what he did was absolutely unacceptable. He justified this by saying that I was his girlfriend, so he should be able to do things like that without me getting upset. I never brought it up again after that day, and I don't *think* it has happened since then.
Fast forward to about March of this year. We got married in January. Our finances are separate. I found out that he had barely anything in his savings account, which concerned me, being his wife. I try to figure out where all of his money is going, and I find out in March that, for the entirety of our relationship, my husband has kept a secret porn addiction from me. He had been subscribing to females on OnlyFans, spending about $100 a month (a considerable amount of money in my opinion). This absolutely broke me. While we had talked about free porn sites (like Pornhub) being okay in our relationship when we were dating, we never discussed OnlyFans. In my opinion, this is a completely different ballpark to me. He was paying specific women of his choosing to see them naked and to interact with them, which is a deeper connection to me than just watching a free video.
I confronted him about it, and I cried. Like a lot.
He was embarrassed that I found out and felt guilty and almost cried as well. He told me that he had never told anyone this before, but he expressed that he has had a porn addiction for a long time. We had this sit-down heart-to-heart, and things were good for a while. But my brain keeps going back to it, and thinking that if he lied about this one thing, surely there is more he is lying to me about... I brought up my emotions to him another time, saying how, in my opinion, he cheated on me and I felt like we moved on pretty quickly from that conversation. He became irritated I brought it up again and told me to go to therapy because he didn't know how to help me "get over it".
I'm at the end of my rope... I still hold love for him, but I do not think I deserve the treatment he has put me through. It genuinely has contributed to depression, I believe. I have thought about divorce, but we have only been married for 7 months. I feel like I will look like a failure to my friends, family, and God. I am a Christian, and I feel that God will be angry with me if I divorce my husband. I also hate the idea of having to start all over... which I know is not a good enough reason to stay with him. However, I also think about how, down the road, I may regret not divorcing him (like, the behavior may come back later and I already have signs showing that he will do these things). Right now, it is just him and I and our two dogs. We don't own a house, we don't have kids, and our finances have always been separate.
I really need advice, because all of this haunts me on a daily basis.
Thank you for reading :) <3
HI hon,
I feel so much for you and I am so sorry you're going through this!!
Firstly things first, God will never be angry with you, he knows and sees your tears, he hurts when you hurt and is with you in this difficult situation.
About your family and friends- instead of thinking *what if* things go wrong, use *Even If* statements..
.E.G
- Even If things go south, your family may be disappointed for a bit, but they will eventually move on and accept your choice.
- Even if you "look like" a failure,it doesn't mean you are.
- Even if you're single again and may have to start from scratch, doesnt mean you will always be alon.
Such is Life, unpredictable...
On the finances- always better and much safer for this to always be separate. Is he pitching in for household expenses? Let him know that he needs to for it to be a proper partnership.
About the porn, I faced it in my relationship too, if he is watching and indulging these things in secret, he obviously knows at some level that it's wrong and it would hurt you.
On a side note, how is your sex life with all this going on?
A better solution for your relationship is for you both to go for couples counselling; it's not just a you problem to fix, if it's affecting both of you'll and your relationship, then both must make an attempt to fix this inorder to move on and come out stronger.
This behaviour is known as micro cheating, and he shouldn't be getting angry with you when you confront him.
However if he refuses counselling and makes no attempt to change, then you may need to think of how you want to and if you are fine to spend the rest of your life this way.
Sending you Love and prayers,
❤️
@Japanlover56 Hey sweetie I feel that deep down you may already have an answer of what should be done according to how it will affect your mental health down the line. Through reading your story I see that it’s taking a huge toll on you leading to depression which can’t be a fun or enjoyable way to live life. It shouldn’t matter what others may think because at the end of the day you’re the one who’s facing these emotions on a daily basis. God is loving, kind, and understanding I doubt he’d hold it against you if you so choose to divorce your husband especially if this relationship is becoming a burden to your happiness. So I just want to ask you what do you truly want? Out of life and out of a marriage.
@Japanlover56
Having your finances separate and early on cutting ties will never be easier. Waiting because of how it may look to others or because some thought of failure ... who is keeping score? you will be much angrier and disappointed in yourself if you stayed.
Addiction always has chance to fall back... even with separate finances partners need to collectively agree so some day when you buy a house or anything big it is not all your money cause he was providing a living for women who chose or have little option to let anyone with $$ watch them naked ... does he feel good about supporting someone that way instead of building a life with you.
How would he feel if you told family or friends about his expensive Hobby?
UPDATE:
So I went to a session with a military therapist. She said that I needed to decide whether I was invested in the marriage or not, because this is something that makes or breaks a lot of couples. I told the therapist that I wanted to fix our marriage. She told me I needed to be completely blunt with my husband and tell him how I feel, so I did.
About 5 nights ago, I was reflecting on what the therapist said, and my husband could tell I was genuinely upset. He sat down and asked me what was wrong. I told him exactly what the therapist told me, and I started crying as well. I told him that this addiction of his really effects my mental health and my self esteem. I told him I don't feel like I know him anymore, and that I feel like I have been lied to and cheated on for the entirety of the relationship. I told him that the therapist said that most situations like ours end up in divorce.
He started crying, and I have only seen him cry once before this. The first time he cried in front of me was the first time we sat down together and talked about this.
He said that he felt sad and guilty for bringing me such pain and hurting me, as it was never his intention. He said that he does not want a divorce, but he cares about my happiness over his own. He told me that I am his everything and I am the constant in his life, but if I am not happy that he would go and let me find my true happiness. Even if it isnt with him. However, he did ask that we give this some time. He assurred me that he would go talk to a chaplain, as this is what my therapist recommended for him. He said he would talk to whoever he needed to make us stronger and get us back to where we used to be.
So that is where we are at now. We will see where we stand in a month or so.
I truly appreciate everyone that has given me their advice and opinions. I have read every single comment :). I will update you all again here soon.
