Fresh breakup

I’m a couple days into a breakup. It was an on again off again relationship… mostly due to my indecisiveness. After 4.5 years he made the difficult decision for us to end it for good. He always knew what he wanted- a future, a family, a life with me. I for whatever reason couldn’t see it. And the further we dove into the relationship, the more scared and doubtful I got. I still don’t know the reason for this. We of course weren’t perfect but we loved each other. He especially loved me. I found it hard to reciprocate his devotion. Long story short I don’t think I knew what I had until it was gone. He was very patient and stood by me for as long as he could. Now that it’s over and I’m starting to really look at our relationship, I feel so guilty. So guilty for basically leading him on when I knew I couldn’t live up to what he envisioned for our future. I was often very critical of him. I’m coming to find I can be somewhat shallow. I judged the way he dressed, spoke, interacted with people. And the man simply loved me. Of course there were other issues with communication, anger on his end, apathy on mine. But I’m starting to feel so very guilty for how I judged him and made him feel less than. When now I’m realizing how wrong I was. I know there’s no going back for us. But at what point is it appropriate to apologize? Right now I’m blocked and trying to respect that. I have a feeling the answer is years down the road once we’ve likely healed. I guess I’m just trying to vent. Hoping anyone can offer advice for healing or simply relate.