Feeling of Emptiness After Breakup
Backstory: I ended things for the last time with someone I had been on and off with. We'd ended things and gotten back together probably around 4 times, I don't know why we kept expecting different results. I'm just trying to ditch this empty feeling now and move forward. I don't think talking to my ex is a good idea given that our past attempts to be friends too soon has led us straight back into dating. I've isolated myself from people a great deal the past few years and don't have many people to confide in. I'm scared of straining those few wonderful friendships by speaking of this empty feeling too often.
Question: What has helped you all, ASIDE from talking to friends, to feel whole and focused again?
@Nosleeptilbrooklyn Sorry to hear you've been struggling these feelings and are worried about sharing them too much. First of all, it is completely fine to be feeling bad after a break-up. There is no need to immediately snap back as if nothing happened. You experienced a loss and you need to process it. As far as the path to feeling more complete? I would say start to get some focus back to yourself. You've probably been doing things with someone else in mind for a while now! Perhaps sit down and outline some goals you have, or new things you'd like to try. Plan things for yourself. Starting a minfulness routine like meditation may be helpful as well, because that is something that can help a person to sit and just BE. www.headspace.com offers a free 10min/day 10 day program, and 7Cups has free mindfulness exercises as well: https://www.7cups.com/exercises/mindfulness/?showlist=1
Self-focus and self-improvment give you something to do (which can keep your mind off of the breakup), as well as provide a grounding point for a better life (which can give you something to enjoy in the moment or look forward to, instead of looking back).
@Nosleeptilbrooklyn
The end of a long term relationship is hard and I'm sorry you're going through it right now. I understand feeling empty all too well. Cutting ties with someone you care about and that you've spent so much time with is difficult and it's easier to fall back into a relationship with someone than to sever the emotional attachments you have. It takes time to move past the loss of the relationship. For me, chatting 1 on 1 here on 7cups helped me when I felt particularly lonely. My daily routine was disrupted, a huge void was suddenly left where my relationship once existed, and I didn't know how to function. Eventually, new routines developed and while I still don't feel whole, I'm slowly learning how to be on my own. Exercise is something I didn't need anyone else around to do and helped motivate me to at least get out of my apartment. It took a while to try to establish a new routine, but it's definitely helpful to try something new, pick up a hobby, or meet new people. And if it's something you can do regularly, it'll have that much more of a positive effect. It really sucked for me to feel like I was a burden on my friends but sometimes being around friends, even when I wasn't saying much, helped me pick myself back up and keep going. You'll get through this.
@Nosleeptilbrooklyn Sorry to hear that, however all that you can do now is to stay strong. Do remember that broken hearts gives you the best life lessons, so take it as a lesson. Since a picture is worth a thousand word, here is a quote that might help you.
So I was seeing a guy for almost 3 months and we talked everyday and then one day he just stopped. Like I was nothing. I finally told him I got the hint and asked wtf was up and he said 'he was sorry and didn't know what he wanted.' I've been with a guy for 7 years before (I'm 22) but this hurt me because it was so out of the blue. I'm pretty sure he went back to his ex and also started doing things I probably wouldn't stick around for, but still??
I'm in a better place now, but this really messed me up for 2 weeks. Super bad depression/anxiety.
@TheWednesday I'm sorry that happened to you. It just sucks we can't have a say in our partners' decency or know why they choose to be evasive or hurtful. I ended things and got back together with this ex a bunch of times because he'd have stretches of days where he was just yelling at me and wearing me out out of nowhere for the most meaningless nonsense/bringing up my insecurities then he'd apologize so profusely with so much explanation and become an angel again and it would just start all over. It really threw me for a loop everytime I thought things were going great and it drove me crazy not knowing where it was coming from/why. It made me feel worthless too. Like others have said it's just a battle we need to face of getting back into self focus and not losing our feeling of agency. Some people don't have the decency to work on relationship closure and it takes two.
@Nosleeptilbrooklyn I can relate to a lot that is being said in this conversation, however I am still with my partner and have been thinking about breaking up with him. Today, I triggered an insecurity of his by accident and he really took it out on me, I offered to talk things out but he then wound me up by talking down to me and opening up old wounds. He is now out with his best friend who he had a crush on and kissed as a teenager. I called him and couldn't help myself and had a dig at him, and he acted like I didn't even annoy him and put the phone down on me. I've been crying ever since. Now...İ hope you're all thinking, thank goodness I'm not with my ex! I just wanted to let you all know your stories give me hope for the after of I end up doing this.
I don't have many people to confide in and also feel I'd be straining the existing friendships I have. İ also fear being judged by my friends, as we've been having problems on and off for years.
@nazakaru I've talked very briefly with my friends this time and just said basically, "this is it, I know I've said it before and put you all through a lot of listening, but I'm just letting you know so you know what's going on with me.". I know it's frustrating for them to feel like they were talking to a brick wall all this time. Relationships can be like an addiction. I think just letting other people know that basic part still gives me more accountability, but I've been forcing myself to talk about only interests with them now and it's becoming a bit easier each day. No ex talk, just the old me coming through. Just bringing up a few things here and there like how they're doing/keeping up with them or a news article or a good poem is doing a lot of good...pushing me in the right direction away from ex-centricity while sending them the message that I appreciate who they are for more than just listening to my woes. I think it's important to not get back into the pattern of feeling like an ex is the only person who knows us in the present. Taking a bit of time to think about what you want to work on for just you is the first step and then sharing it with friends/people who wish us the best. The mindfulness exercises someone mentioned earlier in the comments has been helping a lot for the lonely/extra low times and it's been easy to follow as a beginner. You sound ready for a change, and I wish you the best with whatever you decide that change should be.
