Feeling Weak and Broke

Here I am only age of 22... Feeling like my whole world's been turned upside and my life's been thrown off track. They say give it time, go out and meet new people, it'll all pass by eventually. But how does one do that when I don't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone about anything. My phone rings, I just watch it ring through as family members or close friends wonder what I'm up to. Holiday's I especially dread, the thought that I could be with her makes it all that much worse. This has be ongoing for about 9 months now, and we'll just as my fragile heart started to mend itself back together little piece by piece at the the 6 month mark my ex and I went out on a date for so called closure. (note this was after she got back from basic training in Korea) It was like it was the first time I've ever saw her again, my heart just filled with warmth, I had this stupid like grin i normally wear whenever feeling overly pleased, and the night went amazingly incredible and we were both oh so scared of that. I could see her in eyes how she despised how much she enjoyed the evening and she could see in mine how deeply I still loved her. From that very moment it was like the first day we broke up, I tried contacting her day to day only to get short meaningless text, phone calls were never answered, then eventually all communications were lost. Time to time I see myself begin to type her emails or letters only to feel so foolish for even trying anymore. A woman so strong willed could never come back to a guy that was so blinded in his own self-pity. You see we had a very good relationship, almost all the same interest, same humor...it was too good to be true some might say. But in my heart I always knew this is the girl that'd I marry and have a beautiful family with one day. Now just turning 18 at the time we were both still young but she had set herself goals and she was right on top of them. Me... I was still living the only life that I knew job to job and selling/ doing drugs. She never approved of it, not ever once. She knew what I did before we got together, but back then I managed to keep it separate, not that it made it any better but we'll just say it was much easily managed. As she grew on and matured doing bigger and better things "joining the army/becoming a CPA" my habits grew worse, her success scared me. All I could think to myself is that theres no way she can continue to love me while I fall back so far behind, and these thoughts drove me to do unthinkable things. I was getting so high day and night It didn't matter if she was there or not. The only time i really knew was when I was coming down, and then we would just fight horribly because I'd be so sick or grouchy. And the sober days I had I would just go out and spend hundreds of dollars on her buying her her favorite things, cleaning the house, making dinner, doing anything I could to show her my appreciation and trying to make up for my addiction. It's like everything around me led me back to a pill or some way of making the pain go away...she'd see something she like that I knew I could never get her, I'd get high, she'd be stressed because of finals and I'd think it was my fault, again I'd get high. It hurts me so deeply to this very day to think that I could put my very best friend through all that. And to this day I still hope that maybe one day somehow we can be again. But I know the difference between reality and fantasies now due to losing my best friend, my love. And I'm happy that she finally had the strength to move on from a dead end, but I hate the fact that that dead end was me. I know no matter what we will both always love each other, there's no doubt about that, it's just been incredibly difficult for me finding peace within. I've talked to other girls, I've dated...I've even fell back into my old ways in my darkest moments. But now even being clean, I've deleted all social media networking, going so far to writing impossible to remember passwords, changing and deleting them, then burning the papers so I can just be a ghost. I've reset my phone to factory settings so I have no numbers, I don't respond to anyone about anything and it's really hard to even get a full conversation from me. I find myself here because I just feel like I've lost it all, I'm currently couch surfing and can't even keep a job because of my new found anxiety I have. My life's become a wreck and I'm the cause of it. How do I find the strength to get back on track, how long will I hurt like this? Why couldn't I see all the wrong I was doing before it was to late. These are often thoughts that haunt me through my sleepless nights. -Trev