Depressed, Alone, & In Love

Hi. I’m new to this. Idk if I’m in search of advice, a place to vent, a listening ear, words of wisdom or what, but I’m here.

My ex broke up with me a few months ago. It’s been a really hard time for me, but what makes it really difficult is that we both still love each other however, he’s been out with other women and I’m still stuck. His reasoning for breaking up at the time was that he hadn’t gotten everything he asked for, he wanted me to be a little more fit and wear my hair differently. When it comes to the fitness aspect, my partner was not in shape and did have health issues but expects his woman to “keep herself up”. I lost a lot of weight while I was with him, and it’s dramatically different from where I was in my 20’s at almost 300 pounds and I’m now around 216 and I love it, but it wasn’t good enough for him. I’m not yet where I want to be, but I am really proud of my progress from where I was. My hair, he preferred natural hair like “twists” and dreads but I’ve always liked to incorporate extensions. Weeks later he’s seemingly talked things over with a few friends and some have mentioned you’ll never get 100%. Then after some deep dive convos I’ve come to the realization that he’s essentially afraid commitment because he doesn’t want to make the same mistakes his father did which was to be unfaithful to his mother. He can see himself getting married to me, loves me, has said I was his best friend, I’m amazing, I’m beautiful, I’m a great person but does not know if he can be with one woman for the rest of his life. Yet on the flipside, he wants a family one day?

Ive grown into a person that will try my hardest to empathize with those I love. I know he loves me, but then I also try to understand his side and that marriage can be scary for some. I have always said that I cannot be friends with my exes because it is hard for me to get over it. With him and I we love each other so much that we still talk all of the time.However, It’s all fun and games until I’m not able to reach him at night, get a message that he’s busy and can’t talk (which I know what that means) And I start feeling terrible. I always a vowed to be there for him, I always vowed that I wouldn’t be like the others in turn my back, that I would be patient. But this is really been hard for me.

I have a past with depression and the last couple weeks have been really tough . The past couple of days have even been worse. I love him to death, but I’m afraid this whole entire thing is taking a big toll on my mental health and I don’t want to end up where I was before. I told him yesterday after getting that last “I’ll call you back when I’m free again” text message and told him I can’t do this anymore. We need to have a conversation that either we are going to move forward in a relationship or either I’m going to have to walk away completely.

My ex makes decent money, and he feels there are so many women out there, it’s a challenge for him to think about committing but he’s “never felt this way” for someone. he says that our connection is so pure and that if we were to get back together, he knows that that next step would be marriage. I genuinely love this man and at this time, do not have a desire to date anyone else. We laugh together, we have fun together, and we have an honest bond. When we were together, I took care of him, which you don’t find a lot of these days I cooked, I cleaned, I let him stay at my apartment, without asking for any money, because I genuinely enjoyed his presence, and I never asked him for anything but him.

The pull and tug however, and the indecisiveness is making this process unbearable for me mentally, and emotionally. I just don’t know what to do, or how to feel in this moment?