Damaged

Hello, all.

I've broken up so many times, I feel like I ought to give out consolation prizes the minute anyone asks me out. And it's always me. Most people view me as happy, and in many ways, I am. I see the good in others and try to appreciate it. Unfortunately, that same thing that makes me appear happy seems to make me seem to be "the one" to whatever person/people I'm dating. (I have been in polyamorous relationships before; hence, the occasional plural.)

I left my first husband after seven years because he was a sweet and adorable Peter Pan sort, living in Neverland, just wanting to play instead of being responsible. In retrospect, I almost wish I had given him longer to figure things out. But he was almost thirty, and I was tired of waiting. My second was verbally abusive; I stayed with him for the kids, and I left him for the kids. My hird was uber-controlling; when things worked, it was idyllic. When they stopped working, it became an untenable nightmare.

These represent a big chunk of my adult life; twenty-seven years, in total. And I just broke up with a wonderful man, whom I dated for five months. While I wouldn't characterize him as Peter Pan, I would say that he was/is not well attuned to deal with the world, and I was not the one for him.

I read over those paragraphs, and can't help but notice that I'm the common element in every chapter of my story. I don't like hurting people; I don't like being alone; but I always end up hurting someone (even if it's gentler in the long run) and alone and hurting myself. I think intellectually that I just need to learn to "Do Me" and stop worrying about relationships for a while, but I keep instinctively reaching out for an Other, a partner, someone I can curl up with, chat, laugh, play, and love. But right now, all I'm feeling is hurt; all I want to do is sleep and protect myself. On some levels, I think those two conflicting desires are leading me to pick partners who are in some way inaccessible or unavilable...and I don't know how to stop. I almost feel like a relationship junkie of sorts...and I hope to learn how to forgive myself and make better choices, both for myself and my future partner, going forward.