Advice please
It's been 2 weeks since my ex and I split. I contacted him again after we gave each other time on our own to think about our own wellbeing. He said he can accept our status now and can let go but still wants me to be happy and healthy in mind, body, and soul. I really want to meet up with him once more so we can have an open discussion about what's next for us. Here's the problem. I emailed him telling him I going to prove him wrong and show him the better me. (We went through some things that some of which I was responsible in needing to fix and he wanted me to find the better identity in me). Anyway. He read that and found the "proving you wrong" part to be insensitive and extreme but i meant it in a way to let him know actions speak louder than words. I didn't mean it to be as if I'm targeting him. No, i care about him and his feelings dearly and i feel terrible about this misunderstanding. I felt like a just took 10 steps back from trying to rebuild connection. I emailed back explaining the misunderstand and how I only want him to be happy and that i would like to talk in person about possibly having a friendship...he hasn't replied back yet. I feel like i'm failing to make a new start with him. I know he needs time too to heal, and i think he's over the breakup but still isn't ready for a clean start. So what do i do? Wait for his reply? what if he never replies back to me? should i email him once more? it pains me to see him in pain too. He says he's "happy where he's at" and that he wants me to be happy "either with or without him"
@duate
Hey there, Thank you for posting your situation, I would like point out some things.
It's been 2 weeks since my ex and I split. I contacted him again after we gave each other time on our own to think about our own wellbeing. (I don't know who breakup with who first, but if he breakup with you then it would have been a better idea to let him contact you first, if you breakup with him first then it would have been okay to message him, but I could tell there was some sort of anxiety going on here). He said he can accept our status now and can let go but still wants me to be happy and healthy in mind, body, and soul. (This tells me he was not ready to hear from you yet, but the best response for "I can accept our status and im ready to let you go" is with "Oh okay I understand, you know how i feel about you, i want you. Call me if you change your mind") I really want to meet up with him once more so we can have an open discussion about what's next for us. Here's the problem. I emailed him telling him I going to prove him wrong and show him the better me. (I could understand where you are coming from, however you would first want to do this for yourself first, for your own happiness and well being) (We went through some things that some of which I was responsible in needing to fix and he wanted me to find the better identity in me). (What kind of things? the way this was all said and done its as if everything is your fault, when it probably isn't) Anyway. He read that and found the "proving you wrong" part to be insensitive and extreme but i meant it in a way to let him know actions speak louder than words. I didn't mean it to be as if I'm targeting him. (He definetly misunderstood you, he made it all about his feelings, focus on it to the point where he didn't understood properly what you said. This has nothing to do with you, it's has to do more with him. You can't control how a person is going to react and do with what you say) No, i care about him and his feelings dearly and i feel terrible about this misunderstanding. I felt like a just took 10 steps back from trying to rebuild connection. (The misunderstanding has nothing to do with you, it has to do with him. It wouldn't surprise me that he behave this way to sabotage things and create space from you). I emailed back explaining the misunderstand and how I only want him to be happy and that i would like to talk in person about possibly having a friendship...he hasn't replied back yet. (I could tell you are going through separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, so it makes you reach out to him to calm down your anxiety. You are willing to go the friendship route to not lose him, it's not a good idea to go the friendship route when you want something romantic with him, it will be tourture for you). I feel like i'm failing to make a new start with him. I know he needs time too to heal, and i think he's over the breakup but still isn't ready for a clean start. So what do i do? Wait for his reply? what if he never replies back to me? should i email him once more? it pains me to see him in pain too. He says he's "happy where he's at" and that he wants me to be happy "either with or without him" (You should wait to hear from him, right now i think you are going through a lot of anxiety, your body is on melt down, so more than likely it'll cause you do things to calm down the anxiety whether is positive or negative. If you send another message without him replying will cause him to probably ignore you, and most likely to back away from you. Your answer is to do absoletly nothing)
@freshLight64
I don't know who breakup with who first, but if he breakup with you then it would have been a better idea to let him contact you first, if you breakup with him first then it would have been okay to message him, but I could tell there was some sort of anxiety going on here).
-He broke up with me first and admitted he still had feelings depsite breaking up with me but was willing to think about friendship. 2 weeks later, he now has let go of the past and just wants me to be happy. I messaged him first bc he told me to take time to figure out myself then i can contact him once more. i had intentions to move forward and start fresh but the misunderstanding really hurt
This tells me he was not ready to hear from you yet, but the best response for "I can accept our status and im ready to let you go" is with "Oh okay I understand, you know how i feel about you, i want you. Call me if you change your mind")
- i see...wow that hurts. bc from his email i can tell he still carried some emotional pain since our break up. i care about him. i loved him deeply. but i cannot force him to feel the same way
I could understand where you are coming from, however you would first want to do this for yourself first, for your own happiness and well being)
-it's hard bc waiting for him to reply is so difficuly. but i know he needs time. i spend 2 weeks repairing and working on my heart, my mind, and i reached that point where i began to love myself, to look to the future with hope and optimism..but this circumstance did dash some of that courage
(What kind of things? the way this was all said and done its as if everything is your fault, when it probably isn't)
-one big deal was a trust issue. i had anxiety of losing him bc we're going to college in diff states and i wanted to spend as much time as i could with him. so i kept my worries and anxieties inside. i was stupid enough to hang out with him without letting my parents know because i was that scared that i was going to lose time with him if i didn't make time for him. he saw that and how i was crumbling from this fear and that led him to break up with me bc he couldn't trust that i would be truthful to him about my fears.
He definetly misunderstood you, he made it all about his feelings, focus on it to the point where he didn't understood properly what you said. This has nothing to do with you, it's has to do more with him. You can't control how a person is going to react and do with what you say)
-i know. i can't control any of his responses. it hurt so much to see him react that way though..i think he wasn't ready to hear from me again that his feelings were the thing that he had left to focus on.
The misunderstanding has nothing to do with you, it has to do with him. It wouldn't surprise me that he behave this way to sabotage things and create space from you).
-that gives my anxiety new meaning there. when someone you loved so much wants to create space from you. wow.
I could tell you are going through separation anxiety, fear of abandonment, so it makes you reach out to him to calm down your anxiety. You are willing to go the friendship route to not lose him, it's not a good idea to go the friendship route when you want something romantic with him, it will be tourture for you).
-thank you for being so open btw! im gonna meet so many more people in life but i wanted to make sure i at least left him with the most sincere kindness in me. i think it would be torture. but his silence is also torturing me
You should wait to hear from him, right now i think you are going through a lot of anxiety, your body is on melt down, so more than likely it'll cause you do things to calm down the anxiety whether is positive or negative. If you send another message without him replying will cause him to probably ignore you, and most likely to back away from you. Your answer is to do absoletly nothing)
-i don't want to lose him. i let go of our relationship, will i have to let go of him too? that would pull my heart out bc he still exists in this life and i feel like i would fail if i didn't show him the better me. okay. i'll wait and focus on controlling my anxiety. thank you so much. i appreciate you <3
@duate
Hey there, hopefuly you are feeling better soon. I was ready your reply, and what really caught my attention was this;
"one big deal was a trust issue. i had anxiety of losing him bc we're going to college in diff states and i wanted to spend as much time as i could with him. so i kept my worries and anxieties inside. i was stupid enough to hang out with him without letting my parents know because i was that scared that i was going to lose time with him if i didn't make time for him. he saw that and how i was crumbling from this fear and that led him to break up with me bc he couldn't trust that i would be truthful to him about my fears."
I say it really caught my attention because this was not a good reason for him to breakup with you, he made it all about him which its why he said "he couldn't trust that i would be truthful to him about my fears.". You had a lot of anxiety because you felt afraid of losing him, so it made you want to spend more time with him to calm down the anxiety, however you were going through a lot of thoughts, fears, worries, to the point where you kept it inside and also you didn't want to lose him. He should have been more understanding of you, comfort you, and let you know it's going to be okay. About not telling your parents, well he didn't react or behave properly when you told him. A person who has a healthy self esteem, confident, would say "How come you didn't tell me?" then tries to empathize and understands what you are going through, without being like "You were not truthful, you didn't trust me", his statement communicates insecurity and emotional issues. You told him everything, but yet he decides to breakup with you...that was not cool at all. It was his insecurities, emotional issues that made him breakup with you, not what you did. You should not be the one trying to fix things, reach out first to him, he should be the one to contact you first and trying to fix things for the way he ended things.
@freshLight64
I understand. It's just hard knowing that someone I loved greatly can so easily tell me "i can let go now" but yeah, his feelings right now are still on him. he's going to respond through his feelings/emotions and i think that's what hurt me too because i wanted to move forward...thank you so much for the advice.