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Abandoned

NorCal August 10th, 2016
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I have a storybook love story to tell. I am hoping by getting this out it will be a form of therapy. Feedback is appreciated.

The beginning of our relationship was just friendship then one day she said she was attracted to me and we started dating.

We had fun and ran around in the city and suburbs of Portland, Oregon. We met started dating in the hot summer when temps were in the 90's to low 100F, we cruised at night with windows down blaring music in a 1967 Mustang - life was great!

I ended up moving back to California to avoid a lifestyle of drugs that I was starting to get into, and she came with me. This lasted for awhile but I was ignoring her and she left (I was on internet to much) the year now is 1997/98.

In 2002 she contacted me again via IRC (Internet Relay Chat) as I have a long established channel on the Undernet servers. She wanted to come back, but guess what? She has a baby.

I accepted her immediately back to California and life was grand! I ceremoniously adopted the boy as my own and called him as such, he is about 10 mos old at this time I think. We had the most wonderful 2 1/2 years until my brother was to show up for Christmas and did not want to visit with her as they had clashed before. my mother asked me if she could go back home to visit family while my brother was here, she agreed and went home - only she never came back, this is 2004.

I absolutely loved this woman and my new son, yes it was my fault for not standing up to my mother (who had severe medical problems and died a year and half later) by letting my brother impose his will and degrade her. I was very wrong.

My love for her never waved, I wanted her back so badly yet she would not hear of it. For 12 years I thought of her daily and nightly, I would pray to God for him to reunite us, I never dated, I never touched another woman. My love and devotion for her was and is still true and strong.

Now you have the basics of our past, lets get to the rest of the story.

When I left oregon in 1997 I had tickets which turned to warrants of varying degrees and I was wanted in that state, but not California, so I went on with my life and worked, I ended up owning a business and things were good - yet I was still lonely and pining for her daily/nightly.

Time to get rid of the warrants! That was in 2014. I contacted a lawyer in Portland and made an arrangment to turn myself in to the jail. I had friends visiting me in Humboldt that were heading back to Portland and they offered me a ride and stay at their house, even drop me off at the jail before 6am on my surrender date.

The days went by and soon I was back in Oregon a place I had not been in 12 years. My friends husband was taking me to the jail, the time is 5:30 in the morning. He drops me off and I walk the TWO blocks to the front door of the jail. Who sees me? MY LOVE!

I had not been in Oregon for 12 yrs and in the short jaunt of a 2 block walk, there she was with the boy that I called my own. They were driving and she swore it was me, she checked the jail roster and they confirmed it was me.

Ten days later I am free. And she had called my house in Humboldt (the phone number and my cell number I kept as original in case ever the day, she wanted to reach out to me like she did yearly), within a month she was again in contact with me and asked what I would do if she were on my doorstep, I said I would "Swing the door wide open! Welcome you with a KISS" she cried and 9 hours later she was here.

I am the happiest man on earth! I am beaming pride and love. Life was wonderful - better than wonderful. due to the fact I am raising my Grandkids we now had a small family, we all loved each other and got along great. We both said it was Gods will that we got back together, especially under the circumstances. She stated she even thought of me almost daily through those years. We were so loving to each other. I called her my wife, she called me her husband.

A year almost goes by and things are better by the day - she had asked me to marry her and I said yes. We set up a plan to get married this fall, we had rings and plans being made.

Last week she went back up north so kids can visit with their friends and she could get the rest of her stuff that we could not get on a previous trip. Well first few days were OK we kept in constant contact but after 5 days she stopped calling completely and would not answer her phone. Through her son, the boy I loved as my own he told me she ran into a X and was with him now she said "he quit drining and goes to church!"

My life ended. She will not even talk to me. I am abandoned. I hurt, I am betrayed, I love her with all my heart and would take her back in a moment but I know I am screwed. What do I do? I have options but none of them are good. I think of hurting myself as the only option to end the pain, people say there are others but not like this beautiful woman. She is my everything. Even typing this I start to weep.

I did nothing wrong, I was the perfect husband-to-be. I worked, paid the mortgage and utility bills, we had food flowing out of the cupboards and refrigerator. Never wanting for anything - hell I had a bit over $50K of available cash in my old business bank account.

We would go out on the weekends for motorcycle rides - just me and her. In our room we sat together constantly and talked/loved.

I was very very affectionate, in a number of ways as was she. But now it is gone. For no reason. I did not even get a breakup call/text.

There is more to the story obviously but those are the basics of our relationship. I would kill myself to have it over agian.

I do not want to go into how bad I feel, as that just brings on the panic attacks that I have been having in my sleep, at work and thinking moments - unless I am not crying over what I have lost.

Food, sleep, staying out from behind locked door? Those are things I have not been doing for several days now and is effecting me physically. Again, I do not care. I would rather have it over than not be with my love.

I think I got off the original idea of this "statement of my life" but the mind wanders and I type freestyle.

Am I so bad that I do not even get a phone call or text? Why must I be treated like this by the woman I adore, and how can she treat me like this?

I know the solution but wrapping the end of a garden hose with tin foil so it dont melt and put in exhaust pipe so the engine purrs me to sleep is probably not it. But what else do I have?

Yes I am probably being ridiculed now and laff'd at by some of you folks reading this.. but it is my story.

4
SimpleOwl August 10th, 2016
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@norcal

Thank you so much for sharing your story. This story has touched my heart, as I am sure it will touch many others. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. The 7 cups community is here for you Norcal, we will not laugh at your hardships.

HopieRemi August 10th, 2016
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@norcal

Thank you very much for sharing your story. It takes courage to post on a forum a story of heartbreak! I am sorry to hear about all of the bad stuff that happened. <3

NorCal OP November 5th, 2018
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She did it again.

she came back after 3 months and things were differet, not as loving but life went on. I waited to get married to make sure it was to oast and we finally did get mariied, wy it was just 10 wees ago! Congrats? No. She left me again, same style, ghosting me.

She took my name off her facebook page. Removed the posting that said I love uou what happened, contact me.

She did it to me agai, I am heartbroken once agin, we were married 10 weeks.

But I should have known y her past with me.

I hurt like hel.

pure hell.

freshLight64 November 5th, 2018
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@NorCal

Hey there, I would like to first say thank you for sharing your story 2 years ago and for giving us an update. There's a few things I would like to point out from your past and new post.

Last week she went back up north so kids can visit with their friends and she could get the rest of her stuff that we could not get on a previous trip. Well first few days were OK we kept in constant contact but after 5 days she stopped calling completely and would not answer her phone. (Theres one important thing to always remember, connecting and bonding tends to take a lot of energy so at times yours and her interest level will go up and down. I feel space should be implemented at times to keep the relationship safe and refreshed. I believe she pulled away unconciously because things were going too good and she needed some space to herself. There will be times a woman will pull away for no reason even if things would be great, so if you start blowing up her phone with calls and messages then she will keep pulling away further from you because it communicates to her you are not being confident, it would have been better to wait until she gets back to you Through her son, the boy I loved as my own he told me she ran into a X and was with him now she said "he quit drining and goes to church!"

My life ended. She will not even talk to me. (I can tell you felt a lot of hurt and pain knowing the woman you loved wouldn't talk to you, it would have make feel anxious as well) I am abandoned. (I feel it definetly caused you to feel even more emotions combined at once, which is understandable. I do think your past abandonment issues and hurt were triggered here, so you were suffering from what happened in your past childhood plus what happened at this point) I hurt, I am betrayed, I love her with all my heart and would take her back in a moment but I know I am screwed. What do I do? (I think becoming more aware of what goes inside of you and thinking back of your past childhood hurt its fundemental because 80% of the hurt you feel has to do with your past childhood experience than what she did) I have options but none of them are good. I think of hurting myself as the only option to end the pain, people say there are others but not like this beautiful woman. (She meant the world to you, and you formed a connection with her so its normal you only wanted to be with her) She is my everything. Even typing this I start to weep.

I did nothing wrong, I was the perfect husband-to-be. I worked, paid the mortgage and utility bills, we had food flowing out of the cupboards and refrigerator. Never wanting for anything - hell I had a bit over $50K of available cash in my old business bank account. (I could tell you were the ideal husband/partner, you definetly tried your hardest. You sound like a loving and caring man, so i don't think it was your personality. I believe the problem is that you have a very tough time soothing your anxiety when she starts backing away and putting distance between you two. You begin to behave unatural and anxious such as keep calling and messaging her, this will make her feel turn off and then she backs away. I do feel she should have say "Hey i need some space", so it would have been easier for you. I also believe she didn't make things easier for you, and didn't communicate her feelings on order for your anxiety to reduce)

We would go out on the weekends for motorcycle rides - just me and her. In our room we sat together constantly and talked/loved. (This is amazing, however one important thing to remember is that this level of affection and love will go up and down. You probably tend to observe for every sign of her possibly leaving you, so this causes your anxiety to rise and then possibly you do/say things to pull her closer which makes her pull further away)

I was very very affectionate, in a number of ways as was she. (You have to be careful with this as well. We all received a certain amount of love growing up, so thats how love is for us. For example; If you receieve tons of love then thats what you are comfortable with, however if you receive a small amount of love then thats what you are used to. Theres a chance she received a small amount of love growing up, so giving her so much affection and love might make her feel uncomfortable because of a closeness issue she has, which then will make her pull away). I'm not saying you did something wrong, you were great, but she received a different amount of love growing up so it will cause her to be close then distant) But now it is gone. For no reason. I did not even get a breakup call/text.(Thats very rude of her, it must had caused you to feel immense anxiety and pain.)

Food, sleep, staying out from behind locked door? Those are things I have not been doing for several days now and is effecting me physically. (I could tell you felt this hole in your chest where it had this immense anxiety and then combined with intrusive thoughts which affected your everyday life) Again, I do not care. I would rather have it over than not be with my love.

Am I so bad that I do not even get a phone call or text? (No you are not a bad person, i think you are a caring and loving man, its just she didn't handle things like an adult) Why must I be treated like this by the woman I adore, and how can she treat me like this?

She did it again.

she came back after 3 months and things were differet, (I believe she felt smothered, so she decided to back away. I do think she didn't handle things like an adult though)not as loving but life went on. (This is normal since you two didn't talk for awhile) I waited to get married to make sure it was to oast and we finally did get mariied, wy it was just 10 wees ago! Congrats? No. She left me again, same style, ghosting me. (This woman seems selfish and self-absorbed, she comes in and out of your life without thinking how it affects you. I think she has the avoidant/dismissive style which means she can only handle a small amount of closeness, and then would withdraw if she feels uncomfortable when things get too close. I wouldn't be surprised if you kept chasing and cashing, which made her feel smothered and trapped)

She took my name off her facebook page. (Ouch...i would have felt so much hurt and anxiety if someone i love did this to me, i could only imagine the amount of hurt and pain you felt) Removed the posting that said I love uou what happened, contact me. (This is what I was talking about earlier. If a person backs away or puts distance between you two then its going to trigger immense anxiety and abandonment issues. This will make you use protest behaviors which involve; begging, pleading, blowing up someone phone, contacting them to ask whats wrong countless of times. Your wife will then use deactivating strategies as in; backing away, using your over-text as a way to feel empower to back away, thinking of negative aspects and so on. The more you try to close the distance, the more she backs away from you and then she disappears. It's so important to learn to soothe your anxiety in these moments because its going to make you say/do anything you can to pull her closer)

She did it to me agai, I am heartbroken once agin, we were married 10 weeks. (It's normal you feel this way, things were going good and then boom she acts distant. She can't handle closeness well, specially the love you give her because love for her never felt safe growing up)