Me rewriting the creation of Adam and Eve and more all wrong hehehe

Dear readers: I find this very funny. If you do too, feel free to laugh out loud. It is actually really good for you. If you do not, you can feel free to just ignore this. Have a good day.

Spoiler: this does not follow any timelines. I will jump in time. Why? Because I do not want to write a *** connection between these two masterpieces. Yay.

God Meets Adam And Eve For The First Time or as I call it, CONFUSION

„What the *** are you doing in my garden“ said God, and stared at them.

„You created us“ said Eve, just as confused as God was.

„Oh *** not again“ said God. „I tried to do clay art. I wanted to do a self portrait.“

He looked closer at Adam. „Well“, said God, „you sure are a very *** self-portrait.“

„Ow“ said Adam, who just got insulted by an old man who could barely see without his glasses.

„Well“, said Eve, „at least he is making progress.“ She looked at some small angels. However, to her, they were not Angels, but just a Huge Ball With Rings And Wings And Way Too Many Eyes.

„Don‘t judge!“ growled God, „that is my Expressionism phase, okay? I was young!“

And Part Two: Man Falls For A Very Sus Snake, Turns Out That Him Being Fruity Was All Wrong

„Tommy, Tommy?“ Said God, having already forgot Adam‘s name.

„Yes, Papa.“ said Adam. Except he didn’t say it, because he had his mouth full of the apple.

„Eating Sweeties?“ asked God, and stepped on a lizard. „Ouch“ said the lizard and flew away.

Adam swallowed, and said: „No Papa.“ Which was technically the truth, he did not eat sweeties. Only a forbidden apple.

Meanwhile, Eve sat on a stone and thought about the thing with apples and doctors. God could heal, so he was technically a doctor. Now all she needed was another apple and the knowledge what a doctor was.

God, who finally found his glasses in his many pockets, put them on and saw Adam, who he thought was Tommy, who was just reaching out for another apple. He did not see Eve though, because the stone she sat on stood behind him.

„I‘m the tree“ said Adam, his voice trembling. God did not look too happy.

„I‘ll turn you into a tree“ said God, „Tommy, you are a bad, bad, boy.“

„I‘m Adam“ said Adam, and tried to duck behind the snake. Needless to say it did not work, because the snake was actually just another lizard whose legs had been stepped on by God. Thank God the lizard was used to microaggressions like these.

„You have gained consciousness of your nakedness“ said God. „You are hiding behind leaves“

„I am most certainly not“ said Adam. His voice was getting higher because he did not like the fact that an old man was staring at him like a funking pedophile.

„Yes you are“ said God, and stepped on The Lizard Without Legs.

„That‘s it“, said the lizard. „*** is much better than this place.“ And he tried to dug a hole into the earth to dig down straight into ***. But a lizard without legs cannot dug, and he quickly got tired from trying to eat the dirt. Plus, the lizard was not straight.

„I will have to expel you from Eden“ said God, „and you shall never return, and you-“

He didn‘t speak further. Eve had plucked another apple and, with all her strength, had thrown it against God‘s head.

God felt a bit dizzy, but mostly very, very weird. There were naked kids in his garden, and they were eating his apples and throwing them at him. Suddenly, he could feel his Rheuma.

„Out“ said God, and then he went off to get a really long Power Nap.

And Adam and Eve got out of the garden, plucking as many fruits as they could on their way out.

Feel free to add your very serious interpretations of the bible below:).