This forum post is based on the discussion held on July 31st, 2015 at 2PM EDT hosted by @Maygun in the Guided Discussion Room on the topic: Moving Forward from Arguments

Disclaimer: Although I (Alicattt) was not able to attend this discussion, I have reviewed the entire transcript and have made an outline on what was discussed to share with everyone!

Moving Forward from Arguments Discussion

Hosted by @Maygun

Outlined by @Alicattt

IceBreaker:

Find your conflict style by taking this short quiz!

I actually took the test, and I got Diplomat!

Discussion Questions:

I want you to think what you're like when you argue. Do you bottle it up? Do you scream in the other person's face?

Knowing your arguing style can help you communicate better with others. If youre someone who bottles things up, maybe you need to release sometimes so that you dont let it all out at once. And as a screamer, maybe itd be good to take some time away before engaging in conflict. This group seemed to have a lot of people who bottle things up, heres the poll:

Bottle it up: 5 (@LightACandle, @winderfulPumpkin71, @HardWay2015, @SoundofSpace, @OverPouringCup)

Screamers: 1 (@OlivesOcean)

Arguing is an indication of wanting to communicate something, usually something close to one's heart. While many issues can be resolved through peaceful discussion, other conflicts can provoke anger, defensiveness, resentment and other strong emotions. @Maygun​

We've talked about how we bottle up our emotions. So what are some of those emotions? What do you feel when you argue?

Sometimes when we argue. we find it easier to hide our feelings rather than lay them out in the open. Often times we feel sadness, anger, frustration, and most of all: hurt. Be it because they have hurt you, or you have hurt them, it seems to be a constant feeling that causes arguments. Here were some of the emotions listed:

@Apricot91: crying

@OverPouringCup: frustration

@LanternLight: hurt/anger

Rationality, reasoning, logic, scientific temper is the attribute of highest intellect. @PaulMartinTrudgillGay21Hertfordshire

Sad because it has to come to an argument. And sad because people don't see how I see it. And frustrated. Angry if they get offensive. @LightACandle

A lot of people cry in an argument. It's hard to see someone you care about disappointed with you. @Maygun

Arguing is tough and emotionally exhausting. But after the argument, are you able to say sorry? Why or why not?

I feel like one of the biggest questions around arguing is who says sorry? And honestly, there is no true answer. It should only be said if actually feel it, a fake apology isnt worth the effort. Or as some say apologies come in the form of action. I suppose some of it comes from a feeling of obligations, because some will apologize and some wont apologize, no matter whose fault it is.

I'm always able to say sorry for my behaviour during an argument, even if it's not my fault or that I acted badly. @OlivesOcean

I say sorry when it's a minor thing and if I'm the wrong one. But if it's obvious to me they were wrong I hate to apologize because it encourages injustice. @LightACandle

I am usually apologetic, but my husband likes to grind things till I agree with him. The term ‘agree to disagree is not one he knows. @Apricot91

My boyfriend is never wrong even with the proof. @gentleLion8958

I always apologize even when I'm not in the wrong. @HardWay2015

Often we apologize because we care about the person, and we don't want to lose them or the relationship. @Maygun

I have no problem saying sorry if I was wrong....but the other person doesn't say sorry sometimes when they are wrong and that hurts @LanternLight

"'Someone doesn't have to ask for forgiveness for us to give it to them. Forgiving doesn't mean letting someone walk over you, but rather letting go of the emotions that they can't understand." @Maygun

I've come to a point in my life where if someone cannot see some things objectively and handle arguments rationally, I cannot make time for them in my life. I need people who can partner up with me. @LightACandle

Holding onto pain is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die. You're holding onto hurt that you tried to show them, but if they can't see it, sometimes you have to let it go. That doesn't mean giving in, but moving on. @Maygun

So how do you resolve arguments, if at all?

For the most part everyone responded that there was no resolve to their arguments. However, I feel like no resolve is a resolve, in a sense. Its a sort of agree to disagree position. Perhaps you didnt get what you wanted out of it, but the argument is over and youve settled with that fact. To a certain degree I think this happens with practically every argument. Its extremely rare for both parties to be content with the result of an argument, or it probably wouldnt have been an argument in the first place.

There's a great 7 Cups podcast (video) on effective communication on this topic that @QuickJazz found!

Think of how you communicate while fighting. Is it effective?

Effective communication while fighting is almost an oxymoron, right? I mean, most fights start due to lack of communication. But, noting how you communicate during an argument is actually important. Maybe youll notice that the other people dominates the conversation, and youre very passive. Or maybe youre the one who is dominating the conversation and not listening to the other side. In any case, learning how to better communicate during an argument will benefit all involved and maybe even end in a better result.

It can be hard to even attempt to find some middle ground or compromise when others shut you down in that way too. @QuickJazz

Arguing in general makes it hard to communicate effectively. Both of you just want to be heard, and emotions are running high. @Maygun

I find that, if the respect is gone, the communication can change and that's a huge issue. @QuickJazz

Personally though, if you are right then you make sure to prove it with facts. Take all the time you need to but you do it. So you both can see what's right. And if you find out you're wrong, then you HAVE to apologize. That's how I do it. @LightACandle

Did you learn anything from your fights?

Theres something to be learned from every interaction you have, and all are valid. Here are the things that people from the discussion have learned:

I learned that everyone fights differently. It's important to remember that so that you don't immediately blame them for acting a certain way. @LightACandle

From frights, of course; there are many things to learn, and many that I have learned along the way; sometimes its not worth it to waste time and energy into fighting, into getting too overwhelmed and what not; its best to calm down, to be rational and to move on progressively in a healthy and positive manner--blowing things out of proportion is not effective; its necessary to take the time to dissect issues and concerns in order to move on properly. @Br33zyS3tz

I learnt that I need to handle the emotional side of arguments better. I can deal with the issue itself, but I don't think I handle the emotions of the other surrounding it as delicately. @QuickJazz

I am a very emotional person and hang on to stuff- I have trouble letting the past go so I think that doesn't help with resolving fights let alone learning from them since letting it go on both our ends is hard. @gentleLion8958

Its hard sometimes to learn from arguments, to be critical and take things from fights, but essentially; there are always things to grasp after arguments; just have to be open and accepting. @Br33zyS3tz

It's hard to move on when you think you haven't communicated what you wanted to, or when someone won't listen. @Maygun

If you've taken a step back to collect your thoughts, come back to the argument and listened to the other person, and tried calmly explaining how you feel... and they STILL won't listen... it may be time to either find a common ground or to let go of the argument. @Maygun

Well the important thing is to make your argument heard, to express and communicate your points, your perspective. @Br33zyS3tz

You have to ask yourself if it's worth the time and effort, I believe. If it is because it's someone or something you truly care about, you need to come back at it with a calm mind and facts and an open perspective. You want to hear how they feel too. @Maygun

If you've done all you can to communicate your point and they still won't listen to you... are they worth having in your life? And is it worth keeping that pain with you?

I would say that theyre not very worth having in your life, and certainly not worth keeping the pain. If they dont care, why should you? There are certain cases where such person is unavoidable, such as a parent or other family member, but communication can still be minimized. If you know you dont communicate well with someone, then its probably not worth the effort to try unless you both agree to work on bettering it.

If they are not willing to hear, then they dont deserve your consideration and politeness; its okay to make sacrifices, but when others dont listen, reject, or ignore; this displays their character, their true colors. @Br33zyS3tz

If you can't avoid them, at least be polite to them. We're going to run into people in our life that we don't agree with but that we have to deal with. @Maygun

Its important to be heard and understood, heard in the least; if they do not allow this chance for you; then they might not even deserve to hear you in that they do not deserve your respect; they do not deserve to control and manipulate, or prevent you from happiness and relief. @Br33zyS3tz

A HUGE thank you to @Maygun for hosting this great discussion, and a BIG thank you to everyone who participated!

Participant list: @LightACandle, @wonderfulPumpkin71, @HardWay2015, @SoundofSpace, @OverPouringCup, @OlivesOcean, @Apricot91, @LanternLight, @PaulMartinTrudgillGay21Hertfordshire, @gentleLion8958, @avamay, @ImmortalEyes, @QuickJazz, @Br33zyS3tz, @affectionateAvocado35

​(Listeners - If this was the first discussion that you attended, please take the time to nominate yourself for the Aristotle badge, which you can do by going to the My Impact page, and then pressing 'Apply for special badges', below your list of badges)