This forum post is based on the discussion held on July 31st, 2015 at 10AM EDT hosted by @HelpfulNick95 in the Guided Discussion Room on the topic: The Importance of Communication within Friendships

Disclaimer: Although I (Alicattt) was not able to attend this discussion, I have reviewed the entire transcript and have made an outline on what was discussed to share with everyone!

The Importance of Communication within Friendships Discussion

Hosted by @HelpfulNick95

Outlined by @Alicattt

IceBreaker

Have you ever wanted to confide in a friend, but you didn't know who to talk to because you didn't know who to trust?

It seems as though everyone has been in this situation before. Even though we call them our friends, it can be hard to trust anyone with our secrets.

How did that feel?

Of course theres a lot of feelings that can happen all at once in a situation like this. Mostly negatives ones, unfortunately. Here are some of the things that were mentioned: sucks, lonely, anxious, scary, numb, disappointing, and isolating.

Though there are some people I know I can trust, I feel like there are people who I'd love to tell but I'm not sure if I can trust them. @ItsLee

I have brilliant friends, but I don't want to scare them. @PurpleLychee

I don't want my friends to look at me differently. @toughBirch7294

When you have friends, you should feel confident in what you have to say and confident that they will still be your friend at the end of the day. @HelpfulNick95

Discussion Questions

You should have friends you can talk with, right?

Of course! Thats what friends are for, right? But sometimes it is harder to talk to a friend than you may think. A good point that was brought up was the idea that friends are there for support, be it by talking or just hanging out. Sometimes talking isnt what you need from a friend.

Worrying about being judged can be a huge aspect of why we may not feel confident in reaching out to others. @QuickJazz

Sometimes you just need friends to hang out with, to sit there and just not talk, at the same time. @ItsLee

It's kind of disappointing that most friendships I've witnessed are founded by mutual hatred for another person. @Schmaylor

I think sometimes you need a friend that you can talk to get away from your problems rather than talk about them. @Lissymay

Sometimes I want someone to just listen and not comment or judge. @wonderfulPumpkin71

Finding a passion that you all enjoy, or finding people who all enjoy that passion is a great building block for friendships. @HelpfulNick95

It can be so hard to confide in your everyday circle of friends depending on what youre dealing with internally. @Kickiree

Time and time again, we say we trust our friends, so if that's true, should we be able to talk with our friends about something important to us?

Yes! But again, just because you should be able to doesnt always mean you can. Trust is only one factor of many that helps us talk to our friends about important matters.

I find the greatest friends are the ones here because we are going through similar things and it feels as if everyone is more understanding than friends outside of this site. @Lissymay

‘Friends is a beautiful word you can have a friend in anything or anyone. @poeticguy

I once had a friend who gave me a bite of his sandwich. Good guy. @Schmaylor

True friends will tell you the truth. @ItsLee

I was told true friends dont spread rumours, even if to them its funny, when it can be the most hurtful. @Lissymay

So if trust in basically the core issue of all of this, how can we build trust within friendships?

Trust is a personal matter. Some people trust far easier than others. A lot of it depends on experience and past relationships. But usually trust is built over time. Confiding in someone is usually a good base for trust, but it really is dependent on the person.

I guess it's finding that perfect friend... A gem in a lifetime. @DatCoolKid

I believe friendships are founded upon trust with others, and not being afraid to talk about problems. You should be able to tell your friend that he/she did something that upset you, or that you need someone to talk to. @alfonsojon1997

Step by step, stone by stone, brick by brick. Display trusting behavior, and you'll have earned trust. But sometimes people won't trust you regardless of that, and it's important not to let that be a reflection of you, because sometimes people simply have trust issues. @Schmaylor

With building that trust, how could trust benefit you and others in a friendship?

Trust is great for friendships! Although I mentioned earlier, it is not the only thing that matters in a friendship, but it is certainly a big part. Trust allows you to feel more comfortable with that person, and that person to feel more comfortable with you as well.

Trust benefits me because then I know I have a point of contact for if I have anything important on my mind to speak about. I don't have to keep it to myself, which I personally do not like doing. @QuickJazz

I think the benefit of having that trust is having aN opinion to rely on. Whether it's a bad or good opinion, you know they are saying is true and they are just concerned about you. @frankSpruce2058

Kick those problems like a spartan and walk fabulously with your head held up high like always. @frankSpruce2058

When you have trust, you don't have to worry about backstabbing, gossip, or drama right? How can this benefit your friendship? What does worrying less about backstabbing give you time to do with your friends?

Getting rid of these worries allows you to be more free with your friends. You can open up to them, talk about anything on your mind. Theres no fear of judgment, you can be your true yourself around them and that is something to treasure!

Worrying less about your surroundings, together with your best friend, could possibly be one of the best feelings ever. @littleDeer2646

With all the uncertainty in everything else, having that one constant can keep you grounded when you need it the most. @ValentineLove

It can aid in helping one to just enjoy each other's presence - even in silence. That can be a truly comforting and great feeling to have that kind of friendship in itself. @QuickJazz

I've noticed when you're with someone and silent, and it's not an awkward silence, that's when you know you have a great friendship, or even romantic relationship. @HelpfulNick95

In my experience, your darkest time will be the time revealing who's your true friends that trust both of you and friends that's just using you because he/she needs something to you. @frankSpruce2058

The lack of an awkwardness in silence is a telltale sign of a comfortable friendship. @ItsLee

Not being judged is such a huge thing too. A lot of us have secrets or worries that eat away at us. Having that one person we can tell anything to without that fear of a bad reaction gives us much needed freedom and relief. @ValentineLove

I really like these lyrics from a song called ‘Best Friends. ♪ Through the good times and the bad ones, whether I lose or if I win, I know one thing that never changes and that's you as my best friend I really like that, if I can still call you a friend through all of that, that's pretty profound. @QuickJazz

Boundaries are required for a good relationship of any kind. Coworkers, friendship, significant other. Sometimes we don't know our boundaries and need people to show us them. @ValentineLove

Okay, so before you can build trust, you have to find people that genuinely like to be around you, and vise versa. With that, is it better to be yourself, or better to try to fit in with a crowd?

Always be yourself! To build trust, you have to be honest. By trying to fit in the a crowd, youre losing yourself. What makes every person attractive is what differentiates them from the crowd. Not everyone will like you, but thats okay. Youll find the people who do and hold them close. Making friends isnt about being friends with every person, only the people who love you for you.

If you try to fit in, that relationship begins on a lie. @ValentineLove

I'll be myself cause I want them to accept me for who I am, my flaws and my pro's… maybe even this bubble butt of mine. @frankSpruce2058

I love to just be me and not worry about anything else. I do tend to get looked at strangely a lot though. @WolvesSpirit

I like to think that various people and various groups can give me multiple opportunities to allow various aspects of my personality to shine. I seize the opportunity to let out my fun side around others, or my serious side around another room, etc. So whilst I suppose I adjust to fit in with others, it could also be said I do it to be myself too. If that makes sense. @QuickJazz

I find that if I start a friendship by being myself, it's easier to say to them things like ‘I'm having a bad day because -insert bad thing here- Or ‘I'm worried about -insert worrisome thing here-. If I start a friendship off by not really being myself, it's really hard to share these parts of me because they're a part of me. @ValentineLove

Relating to trust and communication, what are other important aspects in a friendship, or any relationship?

I think one of my favorite answers to this question is self-care. In a sense, making sure to take care of yourself is helping your relationships. When you are in a bad place it doesnt only affect you, but every relationship you have. Others cant replace self-care.

For me, I don't treat others the way I want to be treated and expect it back. That doesn't always happen and no one is obliged to do so. I think being happy with the way you are interacting with others can be very important. If you feel like you're giving too much, then that's over-stepping perhaps some boundary you have and it may be worth stepping back. Or too little, then perhaps you'd want to up your game. Sometimes my standards and others' do not match, and so there is room for compromise but ultimately, I want us both to be happy in it and if one of us or both aren't, we need to think about it for ourselves and/or each other. @QuickJazz

You always have to remember that self-care is more important than anything Always make sure you have enough to give before you give. @HelpfulNick95

Do you have any goals you guys would like to set yourselves in terms of building trust or building communication between friends?

I have a personal goal to try and be more open to trust. After trusting too easily, now I dont really trust at all, even in instances when I should. Not everyone is going to be the same as those few people from my past, and I have to remember that.

Being more honest with how I feel. I have a habit of not speaking up immediately if something bothers me By holding it in, the upset feelings (that could easily be fixed with communication) turn into resentment. And resentment is harder to fix. I tell myself I overreact and therefore am afraid to say ‘Hey, I don't like it when you do this. @ValentineLove

I think my goal is finding someone I can really depend on, like my long time friend. She's a good friend, but times when she's ultra busy with her college stuff. I need to find someone to speak with. @frankSpruce2058

I would like to try to reply more to friends who reach out to me and not to isolate myself. @QuickJazz

A HUGE thank you to @HelpfulNick95 for hosting this great discussion, and a BIG thank you to everyone who participated!

Participant list: @ItsLee, @DarkestBeforeDawn, @Chevy81, @PurpleLychee, @heartsNcupcakes, @MisterGreenEyes, @alfonsojon1997, @ImmortalEyes, @wonderfulPumpkin71, @toughBirch7294, @littleDeer2646, @WolvesSpirit, @DatCoolKid, @Schmaylor, @Lissymay, @QuickJazz, @WolvesSpirit, @Tamzin123, @frankSpruce2058, @Kickiree, @neatPArk9181, @omgitsjosh, @poeticguy, @sensitiveNectarine4616, @ValentineLove, @Hellopoptart, @HoneyBChatterjee, @exuberantkaty​

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