This forum post is based on the discussion held on July 28th, 2015 at 12PM EDT hosted by @ItsLee in the Listener Community Room on the topic: Friendships and Mental Health

Disclaimer: Although I (Alicattt) was not able to attend this discussion, I have reviewed the entire transcript and have made an outline on what was discussed to share with everyone!

Friendships and Mental Health Discussion

Hosted by @ItsLee

Outlined by @Alicattt

IceBreaker:

If you could say ANYTHING to your best friend right now (or a friend on your mind) in 3 words, what would it be?

I knew it was going to be a good chat after this first exercise, and after reading the responses I think youll understand why!

@AutumnFox: I miss you

@QuickJazz: Buy me cookies

@PaperGirl5: Lets get pizza

@SaoirseRoseC: Where are you?

@Izzy01: Stay strong, beautiful

@Zedda: Stay with me

@KfindingSpeaceK: I miss you

@ShyMap840: Fun road trip

@heartsNcupcakes: She is perfection

@fluffyUnicorns84: Gimmie your baby

@AndreiTheListener: Just do it

@Minionator: Dude…youre paying

@AutumnFox: Hes the cutest

@JaceofSpades: I love you

@WindnBreezy: You are non-existent

@Zedda: Fancy a quickie?

@Minionator: DUDE…YOU NEED TO SHOWER (Does five words still count?)

And of course, some of the great comments that followed, I couldnt agree more!

Your three word responses are interesting, and quite poetic, everyone. @QuickJazz

There should be a badge for people who are nominated as funny. @KfindingSpeaceK

Discussion Questions:

What would be characteristics of a positive, healthy friendship to you?

Healthy friendships have many characteristics. Among those are trust, loyalty, acceptance, respect, love, and honesty. I think this topic relates back to the old, golden rule, Treat others as you want to be treated.

@AutumnFox: honesty/loyalty/trust/respect/acceptance

@PaperGirl5: trust/respect

@Izzy01: safety/love/accepting

@QuickJazz: understanding/laid-back

@Zedda: sincerity/tolerance/understanding

@fluffyUnicorns84: honesty

@heartsNcupcakes: loyalty

@Lovey: compassion/respect

@happynappy: positivity

I tried to hold back some of the quotes… but I just couldnt! As funny as these are, they actually hold good truth to them.

Buy one, get one free. @Zedda (Is that really how the friendship thing works?)

Communication and cheesecake and ugly crying. @SaoirseRoseC

Someone who can handle the bad side with the good one. @heartsNcupcakes

All ya'll are right.. but the most important thing... that you can insult your best friend without offending him/her. @Minionator

RESPECT...above all else. The foundation of all relationships, whether they personal or professional. Especially true for friendships... But, trust, loyalty or extensions of that. @JTheElderRam

Knowing when to give you kick up the bottom, or give you a hug. @fluffyUnicorns84

Someone you trust enough to commit a crime with. @SaoirseRoseC

Someone who can be the Thelma to my Louise. @heartsNcupcakes

I am Louise where is Thelma? @Lovey (A match made, perhaps?)

A good friend will ring the doorbell of your house, when they arrive... a best friend will just walk right in and say, ‘Im here! @Minionator

A good friend will ask you if you'd like to have anything.. a best friend will just go to the kitchen and start eating. @Minionator

Actually, a best friend should ideally go to the kitchen and start COOKING, and offer you something, like a Jewish Mother would. Just feeds you, and feeds you, and feeds..and you werent even hungry. @JTheElderRam

I need someone who is the fire to my marshmallow. @Zedda

Someone who you are not ashamed to show your netflix viewing history to. @SaoirseRoseC

The wax to my candle. @Zedda

Healthy relationships are definitely ones where both are comfortable in every way. @KfindingSpeaceK

A friend is someone you don't feel the need to wear a bra in front of. @SaoirseRoseC

It's a bit like Harry Potter I guess, your two best friends get together so you sleep with one of their sisters. It's about payback and fairness. @Zedda

How do friends factor into mental health self-care?

Friends play a huge part in your life. Unfortunately, sometimes its for the better… and sometimes its for the worse. Its always good to only stay friends with people who improve your mental health, and rethink your relationships with those who dont. I think these quotes explain the positive effects of friends pretty well:

Friends are like free therapists, without the shame you may feel talking to family, or the judgement from someone who doesn't know you well. @SaoirseRoseC

Growing up without friends can take its toll. You dont have anyone to learn how to better socialize or to lean on, you dont have someone to be honest with you and help push you when youre down and out. @heartsNcupcakes

Friends can help maintain your healthy mental state by listening to you when you need someone to listen to, providing advice and help in any way possible, providing a shoulder to lead on in times when you need one. Because I'm sure we all know what it feels like to be down with the blues and have no one there for us. @KfindingSpeaceK

Be open and not judgemental to what you say. To be there for you when you need it, and to truly care about you. @Izzy01

Stigma can make you wary of which friends you choose. @Zedda

Its kind of like dogs. They need to be socialised or they hate other dogs. People are the same. @AutumnFox

Sometimes I do better to avoid friends when I need to take care of myself. It's a difficult balance though. Because, also, when I was really down, being around one of my friends (who is a ball of positive/optimistic energy) was a really big reliever from all the stress and sorrow I was experiencing. @QuickJazz

Friends are vital in mental health care. I have had periods when I've had literally none, and the difference is incredible. Because ultimately it plays into it, certainly made my depression worse. On the counter, if you have good quality friends, they can be literal life-savers. @LandAtTheEnd88

Can the mental health of one friend affect the mental health of another?

All around, the answer was yes. When being friends with someone you become very close, you tell each other things you wouldnt tell other people, and with that you can take some of their hurt, or in some cases, their joy, too.

Letting yourself hate someone, or making enemies, say yourself, is like letting someone live inside your head rent free. @hopefulTree78

Yes, friendship is a circuit, if one of the lights dims then they all dim, but if one brightens, they all brighten. @SaoirseRoseC

Of course. But it differentiates between all kinds of friendships. In some, if one friend is feeling depressed, the other may feel obliged to become happy to cheer them up. In another friendship, if one is feeling depressed, the other might mimic the same feeling because their friend is feeling depressed. @KfindingSpeaceK

Although it's very important to empathise with people and not try and think for them sometimes people think so much about others they lose themselves. @Zedda

Yes! It can affect friendships in so many ways! People struggle to know what to say (perhaps grow tired of repeating or having repeated conversations), they begin to feel down because the other is down, it can be stressful and upsetting to feel unable to help.. and such. It'd say it can definitely push people away for varied reasons, but it can also bring them together. I hit a bad point and found out that a whole group of my friends have various issues and mental health problems. Talking to them about how it affects them, etc, was comforting. @QuickJazz

Self protection is important, but ultimately if you care for someone then that empathy and level of care is impossible to avoid. So it can hurt you too, but if you are there for them, that could help their mental health in the long run. Short term pain for long term gain sort of thing. @LandAtTheEnd88

I think that if I feel this way because I care about my friends and what they're going through, then I can only imagine what they are feeling. And if me being there for them helps them at all, then I think it's worth it. @Izzy01

How might mental health make it more difficult to make friendships?

As if some people (as in myself), didnt have enough hardship making friends, mental health can complicate things further. Getting the motivation, the courage, just to talk to people can be difficult. And then to trust someone enough to build a relationship can be near impossible. Although, (on the flip side) it can also be a bonding experience to share your stories and bring two people closer together. Here are some of the things that people said can get in the way of making friends:

@AutumnFox: fear/anxiety

@KfindingSpeaceK: mental health disorders

@heartsNcupcakes: trust/socialization

@SaoirseRoseC: anxiety

@LandAtTheEnd88: depression/anxiety/paranoia/trust

Being scared that the problems you have will scare possible friends away - so you're afraid to be yourself in case they dont like you for who you are and what you're feeling. @Izzy01

Especially things like depression and anxiety, they can prevent friends from interacting effectively and can be even worse if the other person doesn't understand the severity of the disorder. @KfindingSpeaceK

There's a Dr Seuss story somewhere where it's a story of cats who persist that someone else holds their tail. Always, at the end there'd be the smallest or youngest of cats who would have nobody to hold their tail for him. One day they all carried their own tails, and all was well. I think this applies very well to care and self-care. Ultimately it's about teaching an appropriate level of self-care, whilst being mindful of others. @Zedda

Mental health can make it difficult for forming friendships for many reasons, but I would say one of the things is that it can make one isolate themselves, and make it very challenging for others to reach out. I often find I don't feel the energy to socialise or talk, even if I wanted to. I'm drained enough by what's going on that I can't. Sometimes I'll start talking to someone and realise within a few seconds that I don't want a conversation of any kind, for example. It can be hard to know whether I have the energy for others in such times. @QuickJazz

People may also translate friendship into a dependency on making them feel better. ‘You're supposed to be my friend and help me sort of thing. @Zedda

In the words of C.S. Lewis: Friendship is born at that moment when one man (OR ONE OF ANY GENDER) says to another: "What! You too? I thought that no one but myself ..." - How can common struggles and experiences with mental health encourage friendships?

Relating back to the previous question, mental health can benefit friendships as well. As discussed more in the quotes below, there is a comfort and understanding that comes with sharing these experiences that you cant feel with others who have not had these experiences.

It's okay making friends, but when they get to know you, you'll worry they'll be more motivated to leave you. @Zedda

By working through things together, knowing how each other may feel. @fluffyUnicorns84

When someone shares a common experience with you it's like a deeper connection to understand what they've been through and it makes you feel not alone with your experiences. @KfindingSpeaceK

Personally, I find it beneficial to learn of my limitations with regards to friendships with others. I find that, with those who are affected by mental health issues can better understand the challenges of things like dropping off the face of the earth and not talking to or seeing anyone for a while and things like that. Not every one of them, but with many more than those who cannot quite relate (and often instead take it very personally). It helps with my social anxiety (so, once again, with the fear of judgement thing), as I do not worry about not responding to them, or not speaking for months/years and then randomly showing up again, because they get it to some degree. I know that these are the people that will be able to hang with me for the longest and strongest - even if I speak to them every year or so, haha, and that's comforting. @QuickJazz

Sometimes when we identify others as victims, whether socially, physically, mentally, we then become more assured that they are not the perpetrators of such injustice. @Zedda

I do sometimes think it's beneficial to make friends with those who have no or little understanding of mental health so that you can find differences between you and them, and appreciate them. @Zedda

I think you feel at home and safe when you have shared / experienced a similar problem. @Izzy01

How might disclosing your mental health status to a friend be helpful?

Very similar to the last question, telling a friend of your mental health can result in a stronger relationship and a sensation as if a weight has been lifted. Even if it is not a friend who has had a similar experience or not, just talking about whats been going on in your life can be a relaxer. Thats how therapy started after all, right? And 7cups.com!

A problem shared is a problem halved @SaoirseRoseC

Disclosing your mental health status can be like taking a huge load off your chest. @KfindingSpeaceK

It's a very brave thing to talk about your mental health. But when you do, you can find that the other person has similar troubles. So it can help both. @LandAtTheEnd88

We often speak more of the bad than good, so sometimes the friend may think you're an Emotional Titanic whereas you're okay but need support sometimes. @Zedda

Complete the sentence in a way that works for you: When I am struggling with my mental health, I need my friends to: ___________.

@SelenoPsych21: bring me chocolate.

@AutumnFox: just understand.

@SaoirseRoseC: remind me that there is life outside my own head, and it isn't as dark and scary as I think it is.

@Izzy01: not take my change in behaviour as an attack on them, and to not push me to open up if I'm not ready and love me for me, and all my flaws that come with it.

@ItsLee: not turn their back on me.

@Zedda: be themselves and not give advice, or say it'll be okay when it clearly isn't going to be.

Do you have a story to share of how a friendship helped positively influence your mental health?

I think its safe to say that we all have our own stories, whether we choose to share them or not as they can be very personal, but as this is a safe place everyone should feel comfortable to tell theirs here.

One my friends has 2 children who call me auntie, when was in mh hospital they come to visit, all of them. Karen let the kids free in gift shop to pick me a card and toy each. Youngest got me me to you snail teddy -- that I now call mr snail and he goes everywhere with me if I away over night. @fluffyUnicorns84

Well.. There was this time in life I wanted to die. (I'm past it) but anyway I was planning it out and that weekend I met this girl, shes two years younger and we clicked. Became besties instantly and I kind of just.. Decided she needed me so I couldn't leave.. @AutumnFox

The stories above are only 2 of the many, many stories out there. Even though this discussion is past, if anyone else would like to share some of their own stories in this thread I think that would be great!

A HUGE thank you to @ItsLee for hosting this great discussion, and a BIG thank you to everyone who participated! A special congratulations to @ItsLee for this being her very first solo discussion, and she rocked it!

Participant list: @AutumnFox, @QuickJazz, @PaperGirl5, @SaoirseRoseC, @Izzy01, @Zedda, @KfindingSpeaceK, @ShyMap840, @heartsNcupcake, @fluffyUnicorns84, @AndreiTheListener, @Minionator, @JaceofSpades, @WindnBreezy, @Lovey, @happynappy, @JTheElderRam, @LandAtTheEnd88, @hopefulTree78, @AwesomeAndy, @Oreo

​(Listeners - If this was the first discussion that you attended, please take the time to nominate yourself for the Aristotle badge, which you can do by going to the My Impact page, and then pressing 'Apply for special badges', below your list of badges)